The First Day of My Life

This is the first day of my life
Swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain
Suddenly everything changed there
spreadin' blankets on the beach.

Your's is the first face that I saw.
Think i was blind before I met you.
I don't know where I am,
I don't know where I've been,
but I know where I want to go.
So I thought I'd let you know-
These things take forever,
I especially am slow,
but I realize that I need you
and I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night-
just to meet me in the morning,
and I thought it was strange.
You said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
and you said,
"This is the first day of my life,
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you
but now I don't care I could go anywhere
with you
and I'd probably be happy.

So if you wanna be with me
with these things there's no telling
we just have to wait and see-
but I'd rather be working for a paycheck
than waiting to win the lottery.

Besides maybe this time it's different
I mean I really think you like me...

-- Bright Eyes

I know I already updated but this song is too good. It's a nice sentiment.

Peach Trees

Is true love a trip to china town?
Or being held in one's opium gaze?
Under the peach trees
There I'll sit and wait.

Is true love a lone walk through bryant park?
Or being held in the month of may?
Under the peach trees
Under the peach trees
Under the peach trees
There I will be,
-will be until you come and get me.

Cuz I'm so tired of waiting in restaurants
Reading the critics and comics alone.
With a waiter with a face made for currency,
like a coin in ancient Rome.

And I really do wish you were here next to me.
Cuz I'm going to see James Dean.
There I will be,
-oh under the peach trees
Under the peach trees
Under, under, under the peach trees with him.

--Rufus Wainwright

Just for awhile. I got two letters today, well they came yesterday but I only got them today. Perhaps it is the rareness of a letter or at least one that arrives carrying anything more than bills and junk, that infuses them with the romantic potential of stopping my heart and multiplying all that is sentimental and sweet about me by units of math beyond my comprehension. It's probably not wise to lay out all of my weaknesses in such a public and nondiscriminatory way, but I'm not in the mood to hide beneath my calluses.

I've got work tomorrow. Phil's Pills. Pedicure after that... perhaps see a boy I know after that. Let's recap the week shall we?

--friday night i drove up to rutherford and we watched Time Chasers
--saturday, dad, dan, jeff and I went to see my third viewing of Star Wars
--sunday we drive down to somerset to join jim to see Kicking and Screaming and then have dinner at Long Horn.
--monday, memorial day, i watched Platoon twice on Spike TV, met christina and elizabeth at starbucks for a few hours of fine refreshment and conversation, hung out a bit with aunt jeane at the family bbq, and closed off the evening with a repeat of Time Chasers with suzanne, some twisted honey wheat pretzels and a visit to my dark childhood in The Little Toaster
--tuesday night matt and i went to play pool and hang out for a bit
--wednesday i hung out with sean, met up with the boys and dad, and then had ice cream with christina
--thursday i headed back up to rutherford and went out to dinner with aunt carol, carmel and dad
--and here i am friday.. woke up in rutherford and had breakfast with aunt carol and carmel and enjoyed a pleasant chat as always, and then drove back to somerset, god i've started to really enjoy the peace that ride brings me... i've got plans later to check out a birthday party with my friend jim at his house in nb... then rest up for work tomorrow!

Good times. Thanks to people for saving my sanity. Grazie.

Being home means many things to many people, one of those things is gaining weight, and one of those people is me. Hehe.

I was thinking about blogs... yeah I know, of all things- but I was so you're going to read about it. Or at least, I'll imagine you are. Okay, so blogs-- There is something extremely therapeutic about publishing your thoughts and putting them out there, expressing yourself in a public, or at least quazi-public way, and thus forcing yourself to stand behind something. At the same time, you're only as accountable as you let yourself be, because you can choose to be completely anonymous. But is any expression ever truly anonymous? I mean, you know you did it, and although it might not be linked to your name or recognized as originating from you, there is something about you that created it, which gives it value-- otherwise people wouldnt claim that unsigned paintings are really the work of Pollock or Turner. If identity has no impact- then it doesnt matter. But luckily the world we live in is not one controlled by structuralists, at least not yet-- and so who you are still counts toward some unexplainable or defendable element of value.

Like I said before, I'm not very organized in my thinking, or my writing these days, bare with me.

Sometimes I get caught up. Sometimes I move so quickly that I lose track of where I am and what really causes me to feel. I know this is starting to sound like a christmas eve homily- but honestly sometimes I feel like my eyes are either open too wide or too narrow-- at the same time. Overwhelmed by the chronic and crippled by the shooting pains. Trying to keep a spoon on my nose while swimming in the atlantic. Altogether completely exhausting.

rapid fire emotions- can't things just be easy, for a little while?

Walk on Me

Sometimes I wonder
If you're still here
Lookin’ out for anything
That could fall and hit your head

Fluorescent lights burn out in time dear
We see world in a different light
Did you give up?

Love is supposed to be this bad,
Make you cry mega ultra sad.
If I told you you’re all I ever had
Would you walk on me?
Because I wouldn't walk on you

If I was in your shoes
I wouldn't walk all over you
So please don't walk all over me
I wouldn't walk all over you
So please don't walk all over me

Right now I feel like its all ending
Spit me out sell me cheap
You'll never ever ever ever ever teach me to fly
In the sky it's early and still mornin’
All those smiles you made
Wanted to cry cause you gave up

Love is supposed to be this bad,
Make you cry stupid shady sad.
If I told you you’re all I ever had-
Would you walk on me?
Because I wouldn't walk on you

If I was in your shoes
I wouldn't walk all over you
So please don't walk all over me.
If I was in your shoes
I wouldn't walk all over you
So please don't walk all over me

--ben kweller

I don't usually blog so much anymore. At least not like I've been lately. While I was up at my dad's house I wrote in my journal, but now that I'm here again... it's the best way to order my orderless thoughts.

Orderless thought of the moment:

I was thinking about Yoda.


not the best photo, but for some reason i'm having trouble saving pictures, so this will have to do. 

(I just started writing and boy oh boy... it was orderless. So I'm going to look at yoda, and hopefully you'll be right there with me.)

Yoda, is perhaps the wisest of the jedi and most in touch with the spiritual way that is the "Force". He is a source of humor, and self-humility. He is a patient and affectionate mentor and is my own personal favorite jedi. In his younger days he personifies contemplation and although he is a fast-reflexed fighter, he is best known for the simplicity with which he lives through the Force.

Yoda is small, green, and has big ears. He walks with a cane, and has kind eyes. Also characteristic of Yoda is his speaking manner. Creator and original voice of Yoda was a man named Frank Oz who was also responsible for Yoda's reverse grammar.
Actors have a way of bringing their character alive by filling in the gaps that exist between the idea of a character and his recognizable existence before you. Frank Oz, through developing Yoda with this speech pattern, added an element to Yoda that is perhaps the most interesting to mention. There is something passive about his english. Also due to the nature and extra second it takes when listening to him to find meaning, it creates a need for patience that can be annoying, but ultimately makes perfect sense because of who is it, and what he's all about.

However, that said, I think that the annoyance is stronger with the prequels since the writing seems to be worse, give or take a few undeniable lines of gold.

Yoda faciliates many different moments of the epic when delicate ground is being tread. Most easily recalled is the moment in Episode III when Mace and Obi won and Yoda are talking about Anakin's negative reaction to being charged with the task of spying on the Chancellor, when the prophecy itself is brought into question and Yoda asserts what could be understood as the fallibility of religion.

There are many moments in my life when i wish I could sit down next to some shades and get some 900 year old advice. hehe alright well i think thats enough rambling for one afternoon. =-) may the Force be with you.

Its been a nice couple of days, all things considered. Beside fighting with sean and everything with joe... it's been alright. It's good to spend time with my dad and Carmel and my brothers and then to see my grandmother and christina and elizabeth and to finish it all up with some movies with suzanne. I mean, to be honest it's been a more active few days without joe than it is usually with him. They all seem to understand, which may just be because they are female... but my brothers and dad are being extra sensitive too, which I appreciate. I really don't know where my head is at. The words and jokes seem to fly from me uncontrollably, and although that leads to good times and sociability, it seems to be serving as a sort of energy release. It feels good to get rid of some of the aggitation.

I still just don't know what it all means.

but i do know what this means... and i like it!


You're Steve. You make everyone's day better with
your suspiciously large belt buckle. You
brought Stache Bash to Rutgers and made trucker
hats and aviator sunglasses ACTUALLY cool,
though drinking so much cranberry juice you
piss it at 80 proof doesn't seem to have caught
on.


Hardenbergh 5
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Every breath I take feels like my first, as it is quickly followed by a compressed feeling on my chest and a painful sensation somewhere on the middle of my tongue that makes me feel like I'm choking. I can usually restrain the tears but I just don't know how long I'll be able to stand breathing being so exhausting.

They say love is knowing you could be anywhere in the world, and still wanting to be with that one person who makes the world come alive. That feels right to me, and maybe that's what feels so wrong... I dunno I just think this week is gonna take far more energy than I have in arsenal.