Knock Yourself Out

It's something unattainable
That you can't live without
And now the unexplainable
Has you riddled with doubt

Things begin
Things decay
And you've gotta find a way
To be ok

But if you want to spend the day
Wond'ring what it's all about
Go and knock yourself out

Why were put in this mess
Is anybody's guess
It might be a test or it might not be anything
You need to worry about
But if you're still in doubt
Go and knock yourself out

--jon brion (i heart huckabees soundtrack)

yeah so i went. I saw the painting on the wall in the front. i saw the arched ceiling and the dark wooden pews of my childhood, and I kinda liked it. I didnt get ashes, or go for communion, but i sat there, and i listened, and i sang for the few moments when singing wasnt a bad idea. I realized that the traditions of the mass, as stiff and practiced as they are, are there just like they are in the japanese Noh play. All the words you recognize, just something to slow you down, take you out of the chaos of the surrounding world and put you for a short time in a place where you could center yourself around something meaningful and reflect.

im still not a catholic, but it makes me want my own pulpit. I have something worthwhile to say, and in this world the only chance im going to get is a classroom. It's not just a passion for teaching, and a passion for the subject matter that matters, but a passion for life. and despite my youth, I've got that. A passion for change, a reason for hoping. i don't really remember how to pray like I used to. I dont think I believe in direct conference with a God, but i do know that there is something bigger than my individual experience, and that's worth the search.

it was said that the sermon was aimed at the right audience, filled with its disavowel of empty symbols and hypocrisy. perhaps we're all a bit too cynical. but when you're asking me to believe in some guy raising from the dead... is not believing really that cynical? we're visual creatures, we know through our sight..

but supposedly we're all sinners; and we're supposed to keep soo many secrets. if we dont keep our alms giving secret, if we dont keep our fasting secret, if we dont keep our prayer secret, then we're hypocrites.

i dont really like the word secret there. secrets seem to be to be all wrong. maybe the word should be gentle or quiet. be quiet in your fasting, in ur alms giving, in your prayer. be tender or be gentle.

that says to me something more of the tone than be secret. i dont think acts of love should be secret. they should be gentle and kind and even quiet, but secret? no. there is shame in secrets, and there is no shame in love.

im open to different understandings and perspectives. ;-) if you care.

Box Of Rain

Look out of any window
any morning, any evening, any day
Maybe the sun is shining
birds are winging or
rain is falling from a heavy sky

What do you want me to do,
to do for you to see you through?
for this is all a dream we dreamed
one afternoon long ago

Walk out of any doorway
feel your way, feel your way
like the day before
Maybe you'll find direction
around some corner
where it's been waiting to meet you

What do you want me to do,
to watch for you while you're sleeping?
Well please don't be surprised
when you find me dreaming too

Look into any eyes
you find by you,
you can see clear to another day
I know it's been seen before
through other eyes
on other days while going home

What do you want me to do,
to do for you to see you through?
It's all a dream we dreamed
one afternoon long ago

Walk into splintered sunlight
Inch your way through dead dreams
to another land
Maybe you're tired and broken
Your tongue is twisted
with words half spoken and thoughts unclear

What do you want me to do
to do for you to see you through
A box of rain will ease the pain
and love will see you through

Just a box of rain -wind and water
-Believe it if you need it,
if you don't just pass it on
Sun and shower -Wind and rain
in and out the window
like a moth before a flame

It's just a box of rain
I don't know who put it there
Believe it if you need it
or leave it if you dare
But it's just a box of rain
or a ribbon for your hair
Such a long long time to be gone
and a short time to be there

--grateful dead

im listening to clips of music from i heart huckabees.
music really does take a grade A movie and give it a plus.

I watched the superbowl, and I saw the salute to the declaration and veterans and all that. The sequence started with representatives from american aid organizations reciting excerpts from the declaration of independence. As bill clinton would point out, the declaration of independence was a document asserting the freedom of white men in america from england, and most of the representatives seen, were black men. He noted for everyone to recognize and be proud of how far we've come. However women weren't the subject of the declaration of independence, they werent mentioned at all or included. And there were no women viewed. and don't u tell me that there are no women in any american aid organizations.

sometimes i just want to give up on the whole thing. maybe that's my immaturity talking, or just the fact that I see just how insufficient america really is. if we really were the nation that every kid is raised to think we are, i wouldnt have a problem. but we're not. and thats unacceptable. I don't understand why we teach our children american history. it's all just a pretty tale of horses and parchment paper. who gives a shit who discovered america? as an american i am entitled to be just as outraged as i am at this load of sausage that we obsessively ask god to bless. cuz honestly its a wild day when i'm proud to be an american. you can put that on ur commercials.

honestly i'd see it burn. if there is a god, let him strike us down like we deserve. Someone has to teach this country that its emptiness will never be filled, not by all the oil in the world, and not by any triumph in battle. there is no more america.

its all a dream we dreamed one afternoon, long ago.

there are boys that i dont ever want to hang out with. they call and they call and they text or whatever and the answer is always "no thanks". But they never seem to understand. Maybe I'm too nice, or too pretty I dont know. But either way they come back, for example take fella X;

Fella X: just wondering if you wanted to go to the movie
Fella X: i think hide and seek
Moi: ohh
Moi: too scary for me
Fella X: lol
Fella X: they're all going with their girlfriends and stuff
Moi: i see
Fella X: i don't feel like being singled out
Moi: so u figured, you'd bring someone else's gf?

heh. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's sweet to be hit on. But I don't need some guy to hit on me to make me feel good about myself. I know I'm pretty and funny and overall enchanting (hehe) plus my favorite boy tells me so all the time. ;-) but I'm pretty happy with the boy I've got... and I'm not hiding that from anyone. so fellas, when a girl tries her nicest to tell you no, take a hint.

not to say i dont enjoy guy friends. but if only they could all be a bit more like sean and a bit less like the ones who fall for me. (though I confess, they do have the best taste.)

alright, enough belly aching about all the guys answering to the name "fella X".... its time to do some italian.

Nel mio sogno, andro a China, e mangero le arancie con il mio ragazzo, joseph.

what do you say to that hun?

prego.