Kathy's Song

I hear the drizzle on the way
Like a memory it falls
Soft and warm continuing
Tapping on my roof and walls

And from the shelter of my mind
Through the window of my eyes
I gaze beyond the rain-drenched streets
To England where my heart lies

My mind's distracted and confused
My thoughts are many miles away
They lie with you in your sleep
And kiss you when you start your day

And this song I was writing is left undone
I don't know why I spend my time
Writing songs I can't believe
With words that tear and strain to rhyme

And so you see I have come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is you

And as I watch the drops of rain
Weave their weary paths and die
I know that I am like the rain
There but for the grace of you go I

--S&G

he wrote that for his love.


1:00am

don't you want me anymore?
don't I mean anything?
am I not worth one smile?
you once told me that the best I am is good enough
but now the best I am
is all I've ever been

I have moments when I think of your arms
and how strong they feel when I feel so weak
I think of them, and they make me feel strong

what do i do for you?

people say im a good person, that i think of others first and that im self-sacrificing. I'd say I've got a good heart, but a weak mind. I don't always accomplish what I aim to. I want to be loved.

no one ever said "love me and we'll be happy". no one ever says that. at the same time no one says "love me and we'll be unhappy". Why do we only have one real word for love. the greeks had 3. phillia, eros, and agape. phillia was love of family and friends, eros was erotic love, and agape was love of god. They say that cultures have lots of names for the things they value. Native Americans have thousands of different names/distinctions for "horse" and eskimos the same with "snow". But i only know of one word like "love" and that is "love".

i miss my friends. it hurts so much sometimes. i was at this campus crusades thing tonight with my friend elizabeth who is a born again christian. she thought that tonight was some special thing so she asked me to come, but it turns out that she got the date wrong. Of course I stayed anyway and attended the meeting, and it was just really hard to see everyone really into it believing in jesus, and knowing i couldnt feel that way. i got a free bible, but having people assume i was christian did more harm than good i think. i felt like i was deceiving them. but i dont even know what to think so how could i properly represent that to them? Im longing to belong, but i dont think that place is for me. i feel like the little bird that goes around asking everyone "are u my mother?"

my mind is restless.

My mind's distracted and confused
My thoughts are many miles away
They lie with you in your sleep
And kiss you when you start your day

Said Sadly

You should know that I love you
We should love like lovers do
And I can't help but fall for you
Ah honey I'm just a fool
Now you know

Darling, I'll never be true
You see, for so long I was blue
(I'm not the only one)
And if I hurt, then you will, too
Ah honey I always lose
Now you know

Lover, when will you?
I'm so afraid that no one cares
Lover, can't find you
I swear to God don't leave me here
Now you know

Oh, you know that it can't be
When no one else here really means
(Anything to me)
If you hurt inside
If you confide in me again

Since you ran away
Hold me now, tell me how
Love is ours

Lover, when will you?
I'm so afraid that noone cares
Lover, can't find you
And noone knows what brings us here
Lover
Hold me now
Hold me now
Tell me how
Love is ours

--SP

Thats a really pretty song.

In the chaos and the rush, a silence films
Till all that matters falls into hush, and
Sweet company passes into memory.

Availability does not satisfy desire
It kills it
The noise of friends washes out
To reveal the song of belonging.

The cold sky is feverish tonight
As the stars in your eyes burn out in apathy
Remembering nights you used to shine

Tender kisses of lovers afraid
Of being too harsh with love
Unintelligible ramblings
Failing to make sense of
Feelings

Momentus realization
Gives birth to
Fatal misunderstanding


all of those dont go together... but thats ok
Its thursday....
I feel badly about what happened the other night

I'd like to just say that im glad to be alive.
One year ago today stephanie quinn died in a car accident.
Thank you steve for wearing your seat belt.

be careful everyone, i couldnt live without you.

These Days

Well I've been out walking
I don't do that much talking these days
These days--
These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
For you
And all the times I had the chance to

And I had a lover
It's so hard to risk another these days
These days--
Now if I seem to be afraid
To live the life I have made in song
Well it's just that I've been losing for so long

Well I'll keep on moving
Things are bound to be improving these days
One of these days--
These days I'll sit on corner stones
And count the time in quarter tones to ten, my friend
Don't confront me with my failures
I had not forgotten them

--Jackson Browne

(yeahyeah and nico did a kool version of it too)

I need a journal. I real book that I can write in, instead of using this dumb computer sometimes. Sometimes I don't want to use this thing. Sometimes I just want to write my own thoughts somewhere that no one else is gonna find them. Some of my thoughts don't belong here. Kinda like me. I don't always belong. I havent felt like I really belonged here since the end of the summer. I miss my dad, but knowing that he misses me makes it easier somehow. Its like that song (I've been using the root "some" far too much in this paragraph) "SOMEwhere Out There".

We were talking about stealing today in world lit... about the parallel that St. Augustine draws between his stealing of a pear when he was a boy (for the fun of being bad) and Adam's eating of the apple (which he too knew was wrong). So today as I was leaving work, I stole something too. No, we don't sell fruit. I stole something else. But now that I think about it, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I might just bring it back this weekend.

I dont know what to say when your not okay. So i just get impatient and tell u to smile... oh yeah im a sweet person... right. Everyone is tired, everyone is aching, we're all just swimming to that sunset, give a man a break. Ok. So far away from everyone.

I want to get away. I like to feel the wind as i get the hell out. This surrogate home is not my own. I want the family I love. Ali, Katie, Ally, Sean, Jim, Dan, Dad, and my sweet joe.

they say it'll be ok

give me a bridge... all you need is a bridge to reinvent a song, to reinvent a path, to reinvent a life.

it all means so little to me here

to tell you the truth ... I know i've been half asleep
every night as im falling asleep these words repeat in my head:

dont let tomorrow catch you
run as fast as you can
but no matter how fast u go
u'll be alone when the day is done

i need something here to die for
i need something here to live for

i mean so little to me here

Somedays arent the best days
When you wake to find your world
And all the babies are silent
Because they've given up on tears

Aint nothing gonna make this world get better.
There's no chance of a full recovery
Don't look for the silver lining
When all you've got is a sky full of rain

The empty laughter is making your belly ache
And too much aching will make you sore
But you keep looking at the world through two ocean eyes
And you'll never see the joy through the mist



-------------------------------------------------------------

What's so good about boyfriends?

1- they forget ur middle name. and it makes you laugh for the next 5 months

2- they will get horrible scars and infections and refuse bandaids but shed a little blood and they want to bandage you ER style

3- they sow reason back into your life after you've lost your mind and are flipping out with stress

4- they keep you warm when you have no heat and no comforter

5- they give you a spot on the floor to rest when your family locks you out of the house

6- they beg you to let them sleep, and when you dont give permission they tell you just how much they love you before they sign off/hang up

7- they kiss you even if you have bad chinese food breath

8- they tell you that you are an 11 on a scale of 1 to 10, and swear they're not lying

9- they write songs for you, and poems for you, and it means the world to them

10- they'll take you into new york and sit for an hour to have a drawing of the two of you

11- they'll dance with you in kitchens, and train stations, and in line at disney world and in all of the random places that feel like the nicest place on earth at that moment

12- they'll let you try and make their bands webpage, and then when you suck it up they don't rub it in

13- they'll be the man you need them to be even when its not the man you want them to be, and i'll never know how they do it

14- they'll take a conversation about getting away and turn it into a plan of action

15- And finally: they'll sing "man i feel like a woman" in their best Bob Dylan and then tell you how much they love you

=-)

between the bars...

I'm so tired. I'm going to sleep and forgetting about my paper. I'll write it/finish it tomorrow before class. The craze picks up where it left off. I'm already behind because I did practically no work tonight. What is wrong with me?

All I want now is happiness for you and me.

Fighting against the rising sun is a battle for glorious losers.

Don't twist my art.

i wish i could create something so special to me that i couldnt share it with anyone.

but im too tired.

it seems like im consantly living 100%. Either I'm studying my brains off and preparing for class, or I'm in class engaged to the max of my understanding, or I'm spending my weekends with joe feeling more alive than I ever thought I could.

i'm drained.


"do what you want to whenever you want to, though it doesnt mean a thing... big nothing"