Smashing Pumpkins - Galapogos
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Ain't it funny how we pretend we're still a child
Softly stolen under our blanket skies
And rescue me from me, and all that I believe
I won't deny the pain
I won't deny the change
And should I fall from grace here with you
Will you leave me too?

Carve out your heart for keeps in an old oak tree
And hold me for goodbyes-and whispered lullabyes
And tell me I am still
The man I'm supposed to be
I won't deny the pain
I won't deny the change
And should I fall from grace here with you
Will you leave me too?

Too late to turn to turn back now, I'm running out of sound
And I'm changing, changing
And if we died right now, this fool you loved somehow
Is here with you
I won't deny the pain
I won't deny the change
And should I fall from grace here with you
Would you leave me too?

I've been thinking of this song all day.

"its killing me im dying... to put a bit of sunshine in your life"


I dont really know what to say. Life isnt too bad really. The play keeps me tired and math keeps me praying, but other than that Im gettin by. I guess the only aspect of my life that Im still not sure what to make of.. is of course the most important relationship i've got goin now. Which makes sense, the most important person in my life is having the roughest time. I wish there was something more I could do, but all i can do is try and make him see how wonderful i am and how good i am for him. which cant really be done any other way than by just being me.. and im already doing that as best as i can.... just love him and that'll hopefully be enough, cuz if its not, then there isnt anything i could do anyway.

Im not that complicated a person i dont think... i like to smile.

i sound like im thinking about the end cuz right now, that thought is the only thing that could kill my happiness indefinately.

I think it would be nice to be loved by me. I mean, im no superhero.. but i do think im special. Ah, these are my thoughts and sharing them isnt really what i intended. I dunno, all i know is that i love this boy. And i know i could never fall in love with a facade. So i know.. even if he doesnt, that i'll be here, even if im not what he wants anymore.

damnit, i just hope he doesnt throw me away... cuz that would be a mistake

cant he see i need him? i want him around- i love him.

Oh, he wishes he was famous
Spends his time alone in the basement
With Lennon and Cobain and a guitar and a stereo
And while he wishes he could escape this
But it all seems so contagious
Not to be yourself and faceless
In a song that has no soul

I remember feeling low
And I remember losing hope
And I remember all the feelings
And the day they stopped

Some times in our lives we all have pain
we all have sorrow
but if we are wise
we know that there is always tomorrow

lean on me.

alright so here is a brief moment of Gen. buckle up

i like having people close to me. Its dangerous, but when I need them, having them close is really nice. Sometimes I worry that I am a burden on people, but lately I've seen that everyone needs someone sometimes. But then there are certain people who always seem to be down .. and when those people are around they seem to have a monopoly on the "not feeling up to par" feeling.

Being happy gets more and more complicated every day.. but its better than before when it was impossible.

I had this friend who was always depressed, and i almost went out with him but he just screwed everything up and I dont talk to him anymore. I hate the thought of that.. not talking to people anymore. I know its a reality i'll face soon enough after graduation, but come on.. not now.

I just want to be really happy tomorrow. I know im gonna have to make that happen for myself (and sochor will do her best to kill it) so im just gonna go to bed. i hate the internet

im not going online ever again, u'll all have to call me. i'll wait by the phone.

Brushfire fairytales
Itsy bitsy diamond wells
Big fat hurricanes
Yellow bellied given names
Well shortcuts can slow you down
And in the end we're bound
To rebound off of we

Well dust off your thinking caps
Solar powered plastic plants
Pretty pictures of things we ate
We are only what we hate
But in the long run we have found
Silent films are full of sound
Inaudibly free

Slow down everyone
You're moving too fast
Frames can't catch you when
You're moving like that

Inaudible melodies
Serve narrational strategies
Unobtrusive tones
Help to notice nothing but the zone
Of visual relevancy
Frame-lines tell me what to see
Chopping like an axe

Or maybe Eisenstein should just relax

Slow down everyone
You're moving too fast
Frames can't catch you when
You're moving like that

Well Plato's cave is full of freaks
Demanding refunds for the things they've seen
I wish they could believe
In all the things that never made the screen
And just slow down everyone
You're moving too fast
Frames can't catch you when
You're moving like that
Slow down everyone
You're moving too fast
Frames can't catch you when
You're moving like that
Moving Too....

ugh.. life

Happy to be near you
When you need someone to cheer you - all the way

tu as un grand saucisson!

that means....umm... We're hosting a foreign exchange student from france... sure it does

april 28-may8th baby!

So we have to hang out one day and show him a good time... and no, you arent allowed to make fun of france's sissy policies or anything like that in front of poor Benoit (i am hoping danny picks him and not Pierre)

Today was great... my mother threw a remote control at me when i got home, then i got to explain to josh that it was an accident... she said that im not on my own yet... as if that was something anyone could make MORE painfully obvious.

It was funny, i had a wonderful.. wonderful day with joe and then i got to see my dad... and i told my dad that mom was gonna really give it to me when i got home and he said "sometimes its worth it". i couldnt have said it better. =-)

thats enough for me right now...

All the Way
--Frank Sinatra

When somebody loves you
It's no good unless he loves you - all the way
Happy to be near you
When you need someone to cheer you - all the way

Taller than the tallest tree is
That's how it's got to feel
Deeper than the deep blue see is
That's how deep it goes - if its real

When somebody needs you
It's no good unless he needs you - all the way
Through the good or lean years
And for all the in between years - come what may

Who know where the road will lead us
Only a fool would say
But if you'll let me love you
It's for sure I'm gonna love you - all the way,
all the way

So today I remembered how to smile. I took the time to be with the people who i've missed, and only then did i realize how much i missed them.

Im looking to talk to elizabeth. Cuz its just a crime to have ur locker right next to someone like elizabeth but to know so little about whats up with them. I cant allow that much longer. Times are stressful, but there is always time for that. Plus.. when we do get a chance to relax.. there is a certain movie of a certain play with a certain someone in it that i certainly have to see. hehe

So the play... tension is high... drama is high... and i still have to find this body leotard or whatever it is. Im not thrilled about that though, cuz im definitely not excited about not wearing alot of clothes. Now, mind you that didnt stop me from getting a coffee and a muffin with the girls after choir.. but it does nip at the back of my thoughts (just behind my worries about the lack of "oo-ing" going on, combined with the excessive bouncing!)

but AHHHHH all the Sonny-isms are finding their way into my conversation..

hows tricks?
whats shakin?
friggen A

day off! Im off!

Each time we have a quarrel
It almost breaks my heart
'Cause I'm so afraid that we will have to part

Each night I ask the stars up above
Why must I be a teenager in love

One day I feel so happy
Next day I feel so sad
I guess I'll learn to take the good with the bad

'Cause each night I ask the stars up above
Why must I be a teenager in love

I cried a tear for nobody but you
I'll be a lonely one if you should say we're through
Well if you want to make me cry
That won't be so hard to do
If you should say goodbye
I'd still go on loving you

Each night I ask the stars up above
Why must I be a teenager in love

I cried a tear for nobody but you
I'll be a lonely one if you should say we're through
Well if you want to make me cry
That won't be so hard to do
And if you should say goodbye
I'd still go on loving you

Each night I ask the stars up above
Why must I be a teenager in love
Why must I be a teenager in love
Why must I be a teenager in love
Why must I be a teenager in love
-- bobby vinton


the music might change a little, but people stay the same. i dont think i can handle another day like today.

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my friends are good to me

they make excuses to get out of things so that i dont have to be alone (kat)

they kiss me and hug me to make me feel better (ali)

they run to get me tissues when i dont want the world to know (nm)

they see me and know immediately something is wrong (kat, eliz, ali, sean, david, steve, dad, nm ...)

they ask me how i am and even if they dont understand what i mean ....they still tried (mike, sue, steve)

i have good friends (i love u all)

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"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."
--Robert Heinlein

"If I know what love is, it is because of you."
--Herman Hesse

"Love is, above all, the gift of oneself."
--Jean Anouilh

"I could do without many things with no hardship--you are not one of them."
--Ashleigh Brilliant


yep.. i miss you

Angel - Sarah McLachlan

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

You are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack

It don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe
in this sweet madness
oh this glorious sadness
that brings me to my knees

You're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here



hehe.. I picked out 5 cds from my dad's collection (5 of my favorite cds) and all of the people on them are dead---from Frank Sinatra to Marvin Gaye.

I know I'm a fool. I always have been. I don't plan on changing, even if everything around me does. The reality of life is starting to hit me pretty hard now. Im not saying thats bad, just that Im a bit lost in it all. Time moves so fast, and I really just need someone to talk to me. I'll talk for days if you know me well enough...

----

When its good, oh its oh so good
and when it aint im still in love with you.

----

I have been thinking about all the things that have been up in the air lately. Prom, Florida, scholarships, and everthing else that college means. I've thought about what not going to prom would be like, while standing before the mirror staring at myself in my dress. I guess I dont have to go to prom. I could be indifferent about it. Its just another party I guess. Then again, I could be indifferent about a lot of things. I could be indifferent about joe. But that doesnt mean that just cuz i could i should.

Kat is moving to Florida. That can't be stopped. I dont really know what to say about it. It hurts to think of her so far away. She's so close to me and dear to my heart. I have to stop talking about this because Im starting to cry and I have to go to dinner now. Lets just say I love her.

I think I expect too much sometimes. Sometimes I get too uptight and then Im no fun, or I overthink things and thats no good either. I set myself up for disappointment when I look for a fairytale. I dont deserve a fairytale. And thats ok i guess.. I can live.