Last Goodbye

This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die
But it's over
Just hear this and then I'll go:
you gave me more to live for,
more than you'll ever know.

This is our last embrace,
must I dream and always see your face
Why can't we overcome this wall
Baby, maybe it is just because I didn't know you at all.

Kiss me, please, kiss me
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation
You know,
it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye

Did you say "no, this can't happen to me,"
and did you rush to your phone to call?
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind saying,
"Maybe...you didn't know him at all."

Well, the bells out in the church tower chime
Burning clues into this heart of mine
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memory
Of her sighs that, "It's over...it's over..."

--Jeff Buckley

There is a certain formula that makes everything work. A certain percent of effort combined with a certain percent of talent or skill and bingo.. there you go. But what if someday it isn't that easy, that mathematical, that certain?

What if one day comes along and everything you were so sure of at one moment, becomes everything you've ever been confused about. The ground beneath you is shaken, the sky above you falling, and the reason for it all-clouded.

Maybe you'll be lucky enough to have someone around who'll understand, but maybe you'll be like the most of us, and never really find anyone who understands enough to make it all ok.

Maybe you'll be a "man" about it, maybe you wont. Maybe you'll be on the phone or crying into your pillow angry at the world like a three year old at everyone who ever said that ever ugly word: "no".

So what am I going on about? Fear I guess. I'm trying to describe a situation that I've found myself in more times than I'm happy about. I don't usually like to think about the darker times in my life, the more alone times in my life... especially not when I'm pretty happy. But every once in a while I need to remind myself of the hurt, the darkness, so that when it comes again (and i am too young to expect it not to) I might not feel that "this time" it will be the end of me.

I felt that way once. I even swore off love to the last person I loved. I told him :"if this is what love feels like, i hope i never fall in love again". That just goes to prove all of the stupid, half minded things I say when I think that "this time" it will be the end of me. =-)

Because I hate closure.. i'll end by saying

I've always thought that if only I could be a priest then I could give homilies and wouldnt that be great. I think that would be one of my favorite parts of the job. But I could never vow obedience like that. Not that every priest is obedient.. but they do vow it.


Maybe thats one of the reasons I think being a teacher would be grand. And maybe I'm proving myself somewhat arrogant because I think that my thoughts and what I've got to say is worthy of an audience.. and a rather impressionable audience (like catholics or students).

And yes, you could say that students are rather resilient and that Im wrong.. but I think at the same time you could say that students are still attempting to figure things out.. how they think, and stuff. So even if its not the point of my class discussion, if Im good enough.. I'll make an impression in their lives. And since thats what I always liked, I should learn something from them too. And to an extent that seems like the true job of a priest. Forget all the high church tradition and sacrament... if its not in the people who gives a damn?

Hehe, one day I was talking to my dad and he said that he thought I should be a priest, he said he thought I'd be good at it. Then I pointed out how my gender might render (hehe rhyme) me an unlikely choice, and he suggested I try a different faith. hehe i love my dad...

Danny just left for his campout this weekend. That means Im stuck home with mom/working this weekend.. ugh =-)

Hallelujah

I heard there was a secret chord
That david played and it pleased the lord
But you don't really care for music, do you
Well it goes like this the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah ....

Well your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to her kitchen chair
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah .... .

Baby i've been here before
I've seen this room and i've walked this floor
I used to live alone before i knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
But love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah ....

Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me do you
But remember when i moved in you
And the holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah

Well, maybe there's a god above
But all i've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
It's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah ....

--Jeff Buckley


I had a blog here.. and then I heard this song. I'd never heard this, the original version. Knowing the tragedy of this man's life made this song even more touching than i always thought of it as.

I'd like this song at my funeral. So when you guys come to my funeral if its not being played one of you has to stand up and start it. I'd do it for you.

I was in such an angry mood before when I wrote what used to be here. I was upset with practically everyone. This song kinda made me think bigger than all of that. No more splinters.

When I dont like something, I simply put it off. I try not to think about it, and I place all else before it. I get uncomfortable with the idea of losing something, so I ignore it... maybe I try and distance myself from the thought by distancing myself from the thing. Like with Kat... and Brian... you would have thought I'd have learned something. Its a hard lesson learned. And I am the perpetual student.

I always cry when this song ends. Yes, a perfect funeral song... its pretty and sad and hopeful and hopeless. Its the perfect song to capture a moment of reflection. Its human.

Dentist time... then ali g's house... then brian's send off.... silent sigh

Epitaph

Please don't leave me wanting more
I hope you never die
There's no need to say why
Just promise that you'll try
To give me all you can
I'll never ask for more
There's a new life through the door
A cradle rocks and falls
Cements the melody
Our troubles passing

Through decaying, simple times
I'll tread on your trail with pride
C'est maintenant decide
I've nothing better

Please don't leave me wanting more
I hope you never die
There's no need to say why
Just promise that you'll try

---Badly Drawn Boy

My thoughts make no sense. My rambling deserves no audience. I shoot my own foot.

I get from strangers and just strange people what I want from the people I love. That doesnt make me happy.

Im good to the strange and the stranger but Im hurtful of those I love.

The worst part about it is that I know Im doing it, and I set out not to.

Im tired of my own thoughts.

I miss my dad.

I need to give people a break. And starting tomorrow I will. Its probably a mistake, but Im good at those.

My problem is that I love. I live because I love. I have problems because I live. Whata cycle

frustration
confusion
warm
wet
cold
tired
hungry
achy
alone

"And you weep
Cause it's over"


I am greatly annoyed by myself. That statement is true no matter how you read it's meaning. The intended "I greatly annoy myself" and the unintended but equally true "When Im left all by myself, I get annoyed".

But the intended meaning is what I am gonna go with right now.

Everyone desires to be good at something. Maybe good wasn't a strong enough word... maybe the word that I really wanted to use but opted cowardly for a lame water'd down "hard" lemonade version .. well maybe that word was EXCEPTIONAL. Yes, thats it.. I think everyone deep down really wants to know that they do something EXCEPTIONALLY. Sure, its different things for different people, but the desire is common to all.

Personally I would settle for Exceptional performance in any of several aspects of my life. I'd like to be an exceptional singer, dancer, story teller, daughter, girl friend, the list goes on and on but thats not the point. The point is that a great deal of people's lives are spent trying to find that one area... that one area in which the real slim shady kindly stands up and all the knock-offs.. well knock off.

And sure, the saying goes that its lonely at the top, but I think B Wicke would applaud me for saying BULLOCKS to that, and spending a few days investingating the top. And anyway, the real truth is that a truly successful person is never lonely. But then, maybe thats why they are so successful?? Hmm

So what am I getting at? Where is my personal story from my day to explain where all these thoughts are coming from and hopefully what the culmination of them will be? Well there is none. Sometimes I just feel really intensely about something and the best explaination I can afford is nothing at all.

I can't tell you why I had to write about this. Do I feel inadequate.. sure if that makes you feel gude about this whole stint of ur life... so be it. It doesnt really change anything, but I dont know that it should. Maybe this is the point where u say ... umm okay and click on some "enlarge my penis" attachment in some email. I dont know what would give the right amount of closure to this entry right now. I guess I dont want it to have any. I dont feel any. Nothing about my life is closing. Lots of doors are opening.. but none of the neat little boxes I opened days and months and years ago are sealed and stacked. They are just where they've always been, and they like it that way. I like it that way too.

Im not rejecting anything. The old or the new. When one door closes another one opens... BULLOCKS
What if you are in an elevator?? One door closes, and then that same door opens just a short time later.
Maybe you've enjoyed the company of someone who walked into the elevator with you...
maybe you don't remember their name.... maybe something terrible happened and the thing seemed to stop
it just went no where.. and there was no one to turn to ... so it was just you, and those stuck with you.
Maybe they made you laugh or even better, you made them laugh---
or maybe they farted and made the ride a terribly torturous and painful experience.

Regardless-

It was a journey, and the elevator doors never changed. They came with you.

So when that one door closed, you and ur elevator mates made a decision about where you were going, and you pressed some buttons along the way

but hey, when you got there you walked through that door together.

And if for whatever reason you decide not to follow the lead of the person/people you are with..

maybe you want to go a little further, your own way..... well for whatever reason... at least you had those moments to make that decision.. together,
but for yourself.

So by all means I wont let that door close on my future, but at the same time my past will always ride with me.

come to my party on tuesday and celebrate with me.. u are invited