I had written a very long blog, but as I was in the middle of it my coworker interrupted me, and made me feel a lot better. So although I am not done with the blues, I decided to delete that entry and try again.

I am in a position now to look at where I've been, and what I've done in the light of moving forward. I have made many mistakes but I've also been very lucky and done very well. I've known special people who have treated me kindly, and given me a sense of comfort and confidence when my surroundings weren't warm. When I think about high school I think about childhood and when I think about college I think about a first change that happened in me. My best friends saw me through it, and if I could reduce all of college down to one name, Joe.

Without exception Joe was the most wonderful person I've ever known. He is the only person in the world to have loved me so kindly. I am a better person for it. I would like to never have to say goodbye to him, but I realize that in order to have the best hopes for his happiness, I have to let him go. I have to trust that my own feelings will tell me where my life should go and that the love I would have liked to have given him would not be the same if it wasn't whole hearted.

In addition to how wonderful of a person joe is, there were other pluses to being with him. Friends that I had thought I'd lost after our breakup were coming back into the picture and that felt really promising and good. The dream that I'd once had of getting married and raising a family was returning to mind and the charm of that thought was very great.

But butterflies were missing. Maybe I've read too many femminist/femystical novels about women staying in marriages that lacked passion for undying devotion. Though maybe I feared that the rarity that is a man who will love and cherish only you would not be so easy to come by again. There is no clear explanation that I can give. I am not so good at expressing myself sometimes. All I know is that it was not an easy decision. And I'm sorry for the hurt I caused. But I had made a mistake and I'm to blame. I wasn't strong and I was selfish. I couldnt stand the thought of losing him but it just wasnt right. You can love someone and not be in love with them.

I will always care about him. I will always be sorry for the pain I've caused.

Back to me. I have to try to take care of myself. I have to listen to my feelings and trust that they are telling me something important. I have to deal with being alone and taking care of me. I have to understand that not all of the people who once cared about me understand me, and that a lot of them will never try.

I am a strong person because I have done this. I have done something that has made me unhappy because I had to fix a mistake that I'd made. I made a decision about my future and about myself. I have let go of the only person I've ever loved because my life has challenged me to prioritize loving myself over my fear of being alone.

No one wants to be alone. But I dont want that fear to hurt me anymore. Maybe now I'll take that problem more seriously. It's time to take care of me.

I hope everyone else can understand. I will miss him.