Welcome to the christmas party. grab some food, an old friend, or a new one that is really quite terrific(or terrifically promising) and lets get down to whats good.

Everything finally is coming together. It is amazing how beautiful life can be when you have the people you love close by. I had a really terrible evening last night with some old friends. It was the most fake thing I'd seen in a while and everyone seemed aching for something real. We were out in public, at a nice restaurant in nice clothes, and it was all wrong. None of us are ready for that world. The world of the nicely set table in some remote, cold restaurant where the floor is overly slick with laquer and the tables so close together that instead of feeling cozy one feels censored.

I had seen christina and elizabeth only hours earlier and that felt so right. We were cooking in jeans and tshirts in her kitchen. We were baking, and with no sort of drive behind us other than to catch up and enjoy one another. Last night at dinner there was no sort of electricity or drive to reconnect. We were well pressed, and telling one another that things were just as they should be. No one was upset. No one was worried. No one was anything other than working hard and living life like usual. Couple life. Nothing changes. Schedules are maintained.

No one took me seriously when I told them something serious. My world has been changed within the past month in a significant way, and instead of anyone responding to that, they made jokes. Maybe I'm too sensitive all the time. Or maybe they just didnt know how to respond to something serious because they didnt want me there, or my real life which they are hardly a part of anymore.

I peeled all of the nail polish from my nails waiting for the torture of that dinner party to end. Who the hell were these boring people who'd stolen the bodies of the people I used to enjoy so much? Yell at me. Tell me off. Tell me that you couldnt care less about my family because you have your own shit to deal with. Tell me you think I'm cruel or heartless, or that I hold a grudge or whatever it is. Tell me that you dont have time to deal with me because there is too much drama it would cause. That your life is too busy, that you work too hard to keep yourself on track, maintain your fucked up image of who you need to be to someday make the people you love and fear proud of you. because then i would respect you. then i would understand you. and sure, this is a blog and certainly not direct. But maybe i'm not perfect either. Maybe this is my own rallying cry.

I'll save the rest of this for in person. I'll take my own advice. this time.