I think I'm drowning
asphyxiated
I wanna break this spell
that you've created
you're something beautiful
a contradiction
I wanna play the game
I want the friction

you will be the death of me
yeah, you will be the death of me


--muse

this methylmorphine < ie codeine > may be helping me to stay sane, but it's also driving me crazy... so i dont know what the point is!

im absolutely exhausted. maybe what bothers me the most is that none of this matters. im caught between wanting to be two different things sometimes. i want to fit into things and at the same time be myself. well right now myself is winning because it demanded surgery and heavy sedation... but when all this wraps up it'll be interesting to see who has more control.

i want to get dressed up. i want to wear new shoes and go dancing, or go camping, or go fishing or something. i want to feel alive, and right now being drugged and sluggish, < oh and highly emotional > doesnt exactly make me feel the thrill of vitality.

i thought about doing all the normal things that one does when they decide to attempt to revamp themselves. i thought about dying my hair, cutting it off or into some trendy style... i even thought about getting a perm or something new. thankfully i put those ideas to bed before i went too far down irreversible lane. I ran the idea by dan and he practically yelled at me. He said it'd be suicide and although i'd like to think i have more going for me than my hair... i agreed with him that it looked nice long. I also thought about taking up smoking, buying a new wardrobe consisting of clothes that would make "men cum in their pants the second they see me" as sam so crassly put it. But unfortunately for the men of the world, i put those plans on layaway for the moment and decided to go a different route.

more on that later though.

im outta ink and outta attention span.
damn drugs.

"codeine's a hell of a drug."

i need to get away.

ok, let me just tell you all that wisdom teeth suck. there is no way of being eloquent about it. they just really really suck. they make your face feel like you're storing ping pong balls for a random occassion in which having ping pong balls in your cheeks will be perfectly appropriate and quite advantageous. I also have these really long and pokey edges of the stitches rubbing against my gums and cheeks and thats not exactly a sweet deal either. but the point of this is not to corral sympathy, though if you'd like to give me a call it'd be nice (and my tongue has shrunk back to normal size, so you'll actually be able to understand me, if you ever could) and I certainly wouldnt turn you away. (though i might be doped up which would make for quite a good bit of black mail someday) but as i was saying, the point of all this was not to corral sympathy or pity, but really just to express how unprepared i really was for this emotionally.

you ever know you have to do something, but ur not really sure what it entails, but that you know it entails some sort of grueling discomfort and so you decide that you'd rather just not know whats going to happen and not think about it, rather than find out everything you can and have some semblance of certainty about your doom? well that was how i was approaching this thing. I wanted to be totally knocked out during the whole thing, and preferably doped up for the duration of recovery.

However I ended up being awake the whole time, groggy and numb, but awake and uncomfortable.. oh yeah and really freaked out.

afterward i shook like a leaf and cried like i'd seen a ghost. yeah so it wasnt one of my fearless hero moments. but i wasnt sobbing like a baby, dont get the wrong picture. i was just very pale and shaking and crying as if something was in my eyes. it was quite crazy. so word to the wise... ugh irony... keep your teeth where they belong.. in ur goddamn mouth!


or if u get them out keep them on ur coffee table and show everyone who comes to see you!!!

Forever Young

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you
May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
And may your song always be sung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.
--bob the job dylan

wow bob dylan in concert. an interesting experience. in a casino in atlantic city no less! Like my brother jim said.. "wow we just saw a concert in a casino in atlantic city.. i feel like i've just seen barry manilow." so old bobby was not as rockin in any way as neil young in concert.. (hell- in friggen off broadway extravaganza!)--but still a pretty damn kool way to spend a sunday night.

I signed on for a lot more hours at work. Looks like my evenings (yes katie.. i said evenings --ok ok, I know katie doesn't read this, but this is all in my head anyway so damnit.. hello katie, hello)--my evenings are now by appointment only. (thats really not true, and appointments can be made very very last minute anyway)

alright, well although I don't really have much to do tomorrow except go to my mom's school and make 3 dozen cupcakes...I think I'll call it a night. Or as katie would delight-- an evening. sigh. All of this would be a lot more fruitful if katie actually ever read this. BUT enough about katie. lol

So the countdown has started. Wednesday this week I have my wisdom teeth taken out. All of them. Ugh. Scary.

I was watching the pink panther with lizardman the other day, and all they do in that movie is smoke smoke smoke, and I suddenly got the craving for a cig. Not that I've ever really had one...but the craving began. So today at work I was thinking about all the choices and all the different kinds of people that come into the pharm, and the cigs that they buy. Immediately some of the brands were thrown out the window by the sheer reputation of the pharm's lovely patrons. Then I had another thought. I don't really want to get addicted and die from these things. So then I figured I'd just smoke Quest cigs.. ya know they got menthol and regular, and they got really low to no nicotine in 'em. But then I realized what kind of panzy i'd look like if I went around smoking NO NICOTINE cigs. But problem solved folks... I'd buy a pack of marlboro.. u know REDS, and then after I'd made my way through the pack, I'd buy Quest packs. -----but but but
I'd put the Quest cigs into the marlboro pack, thus maintaining my 'badder than thou' look while also preserving my body from addiction and affliction just a tad longer. then i realized how much thought i'd put into this whole clever scheme and decided that I'd rather just talk about this scheme than muster up the courage to go through with it... wait, is it courage or shame that I'm thinking of? I'm not sure. heh. oh well it was just a thought. but boy, the pink panther sure is funny.

hey lizardman.. forever young, you and me babe-how bout it?

baltimore, more, door.