I think I'm drowning
asphyxiated
I wanna break this spell
that you've created
you're something beautiful
a contradiction
I wanna play the game
I want the friction

you will be the death of me
yeah, you will be the death of me


--muse

this methylmorphine < ie codeine > may be helping me to stay sane, but it's also driving me crazy... so i dont know what the point is!

im absolutely exhausted. maybe what bothers me the most is that none of this matters. im caught between wanting to be two different things sometimes. i want to fit into things and at the same time be myself. well right now myself is winning because it demanded surgery and heavy sedation... but when all this wraps up it'll be interesting to see who has more control.

i want to get dressed up. i want to wear new shoes and go dancing, or go camping, or go fishing or something. i want to feel alive, and right now being drugged and sluggish, < oh and highly emotional > doesnt exactly make me feel the thrill of vitality.

i thought about doing all the normal things that one does when they decide to attempt to revamp themselves. i thought about dying my hair, cutting it off or into some trendy style... i even thought about getting a perm or something new. thankfully i put those ideas to bed before i went too far down irreversible lane. I ran the idea by dan and he practically yelled at me. He said it'd be suicide and although i'd like to think i have more going for me than my hair... i agreed with him that it looked nice long. I also thought about taking up smoking, buying a new wardrobe consisting of clothes that would make "men cum in their pants the second they see me" as sam so crassly put it. But unfortunately for the men of the world, i put those plans on layaway for the moment and decided to go a different route.

more on that later though.

im outta ink and outta attention span.
damn drugs.

"codeine's a hell of a drug."