ever feel like sometimes your thoughts happen so quickly that time stops and all lesser thoughts pause and allow the major deliniations to happen within them?

i miss sing

I haven't really been posting lately, but not for lack of trying. For some reason the words just aren't flowing-- possibly because every attempt I make is in the AM. And not the early AM, as in I haven't gone to sleep yet, but the late AM, the it's 10:30/11:17 and I'm awake because I don't work during the day and everyone else does and here I am on the couch wondering if I'm killing myself. Now, you'd think that something that inspirational... death.. would cause me to produce terribly morbid works of bloggery. However, it just hasn't been the case. Instead I sit here, wondering where all my friends are and if they feel the same cold cardboard way as I do right now.

I have that feeling like you get if you havent yet brushed your teeth after you wake up with a mouthful of invisable, nonexistant sour cream and onions. I should probably just brush my teeth and hope that makes some sort of a difference.

I'm feeling the squeeze. The end of summer squeeze, the low-funds squeeze, the "busy people inviting you along to things they'd planned to do without you" squeeze- those sorts of squeezes.

I read suzanne's blog. A pretty good entry. Made me think about how I'm feeling now, and how christina's feeling and all those other good people who will admit to feelings of awkwardness. Every year of college my family has made some outrageous change to the house, making it physically foreign as well as emotionally and familially foreign. (that is now a word, if it was not before)

Now I'm at the point where my home is a place where I can reunite with my older brother at odd intervals of the day, and check up on my lil brother so that I'm not some non-existant "soon-to-be lady" in his life. Danny seems to have found a way to take care of himself, but there are some people you'll look out for all your life.

This year I've buried as I've unearthed. I've moved foward and stepped back and struggled with the twisting and tearing while holding on to the past to ease me through into the present. If I look around me, I see that most of my friends are friends from forever. Joe, Christina, Sean, Ali, Stephen, Katie, and Suzanne. I have some friends that are new, like Matt and Jim, and Elizabeth, but for the most part, the people who I hold closest to my heart, are the names that fade in dusty yearbooks.

As I'm growing I am making mistakes and finding my feet again. But I feel squeezed by who I am to everyone else, and who I am to me. Very few people know both.

ing and acting.

nobody ever really dies.


but that's hardly a consolation

Last night Joe and I had a really big fight. Sean had just arrived at the door and so unfortunately he was around for about half of it. I felt really bad about wasting his time but what I felt worse about was the fight. I hate fighting with him, and over something so stupid.

I've just been rattled all day, first with the fight before bed, then having my bank account dip into the red, and finally just trying to shed some pounds before the 22nd. It'll be really good to see these pay checks hit the bank and relax.

RELAX!!