Do you realize
That you have the most beautiful face?
Do you realize
We're floating in space?
Do you realize
That happiness makes you cry?

Do you realize
That everyone you know someday will die?
And instead of saying all of your good-byes
Let them know you realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do you realize?

Do you realize
That everyone you know someday will die?
And instead of saying all of your good-byes
Let them know you realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do you realize
That you have the most beautiful face?

Do you realize?

--the flaming lips

I can't get that song off my mind. I heard it today for the first time ever, and I think its a must download. And the lyrics are just wonderful. It makes me feel like Im looking at the stars. Its that same feeling of awe. I think I've just decided that Im making people cds as belated christmas gifts. Guess which song will be on each of them. = - )

I had a terrible fight today with the people I love the most. I heard another song today that filled me with anger. I had to turn it off. I wanted to delete it from history. No song has ever done that to me. I used to like it, but not now. I'll never be able to like it again Im afraid.

Those are mine.. the flaming lips. I have quite the flaming lips. They get hot with anger and then I get myself in trouble. They burn to say things they shouldnt. hehe

I want to be loved -just like everybody else does. I need it. "if you just give love and never get love .. u'd better let love depart." So I wake up every morning hoping to find that. Hoping to find love at the end of my fishing hook. I dont just want someone to hold my hand and tell me that it will all be ok. I wont settle for that. No. I'd rather be alone. And I dont need someone to get me over my past loves.

I dont want to be your distraction, I want to be your love.

"I dont want no second hand lovin from no second hand man."

"i'd fight for you but i can't fight someone who isnt there"

"you said u didnt give a fuck about hockey and I never saw someone say that before
you held my hand and we walked home the long way ....isnt it amazing anything gets accomplished when that little feeling gets in your way"
--the tragically hip

good quotes

nutcracker tomorrow... hehe memory lane due for a trip i guess.

I am coming to terms with some issues I have. One of these issues is about God. I believe in God, but I dont think of God like I was brought up to think of God. I dont think God is a he. I dont think God is like that. Furthermore, I dont think God is a being like we are. I dont think of God as my father either. Thats not God. God isnt a supreme being that sits in the clouds and looks down on us and frowns on our beligerence and hate. I guess what im trying to say is that i dont think God is a being... i think God is a state of being.

Countless times I've heard it said "God is love". And I believe that. I think thats the best way God can be described to our understanding. I dont think God wants us to worship "him" because I dont think of God that way. I think of God as being a feeling of peace. When people feel "God's presence" I think that they arent feeling the presence of another being, but that they are in a state of being. I think that religion was created by some deeply spiritual or perhaps just deeply tortured people who needed justification for life. So religion was developed to govern society and to explain the basics of life. Explanations that would guide societal behaviors and values. When we believed that God was an angry God full of wrath and punishments, we beat our children to teach them to behave, now that we believe that God is a loving God full of forgiveness and understanding and compassion, we react to children's wrong-doing with love.

I also think that prayer is just another form of meditation, we as a people need to believe that somewhere someone is listening to us, and caring for us, and from that belief there is comfort. But the truth is that there is no omnipotent BEING that constantly watches and decides whether to, or how to divinely intercede. Prayer refocuses our lives on our true values and priorities, when we believe that we have God's support through prayer, we live better lives and react better to stress... (If you take psych then u know that extremely stressed out people with a support group of some sort .. family friends etc... live longer and are less likely than stressed out people on their own are to get sick with cancer and the like.)

I dont know where I stand on everything, I have a lot of thinking ahead of me, and dont get me wrong, i think we as a human people NEED to believe in God. I'd also say that most people NEED to belong to an organized religion. I certainly think that it helps parents raise children, if they are brought up in a church etc. I like being in church for the most part. I like the reason it was originally created. To be a community, a support group, for people who are alike in values. That is a good thing. Should we depend on some out-dated church in some self important tourist trap to dictate our individual faiths? As it is an individual issue, you have to decide for yourself... I know that my spirituality has very little to do with my religion, and that the basic principle of my entire belief system is this " i love when I find God in you, and I love when I find God in me" so i should always be seeking it. If I am, then i can do no wrong. And isnt that the way its supposed to be?


Ive been doing a lot of thinking lately... it only spins me in circles.. merry christmas

"and im feeling the same way all over again
im singing the same lines all over again
no matter how much i pretend."
-norah jones

--two blogs in one day.. why do i have so much on my mind?

Today was just fun. It was a red and white dress down day, so that makes it kinda silly fun, and i didnt even mind mass today. I was really tired, but the band's odd noises made it interesting.

Then we had a few nonsense periods and I stayed after for the suck-ass pep rally. I hated it. I was the only one from my homeroom who was going to the pep rally.. so i left with matt powe and sat with jill.. or at least i had planned on sitting with her with the other athletes, but she wanted to sit down by the front and I stayed up top by myself. But its ok...I wrote in my brand new journal that kat got me for Christmas, and I played snake on my phone.. here is the entre from my journal.....


"Sitting in the mouth of all I am not, I look across the court at the few miserable souls that dared to be themselves. I sit among the athletes, looking down to those to whom I more fittingly belong. The non-athletes. I am surrounded by negative jeers and self immortalizing cheers. There is a black girl behind me filled with jealousy and hate. She hates everyone. She hates all white people. She secretly hates herself. She says that she isn't grey.. she doesnt become sweet and white when she is with the white people... she says she is black all the time. She speaks up again. She hates Kerry. Kerry has such a beautiful voice sometimes, too often for the girl behind me. She wants Kerry to go away and never sing for us again. I turn to her and remind her that she is not up there singing. She stops asking why no one else sings. Small victory. Yes something is wrong with me --I want to reply to her when she snarls and asks her friends what my deal is. I know to stand for the Star Spangled Banner, I know better than to jeer "go home freshman" before I bow my head to pray. The athletes get a hallway of well wishing cheerleaders to run through. They are cute. The cheerleaders arent bad either..lol Those same cheerleaders wouldnt think twice to throw their elbows in your face during the day, but now, you are their god. Are these people I'm hiding amongst better than those on the other side of the gym. I doubt it."

So yeah, that only took about 5 minutes to pour out of my head. So as the pep rally sucked, Jill and I left and had some fun in the parking lot before we too headed for the road. We joked with Tim, Bill, Kristen, Jackie, Neel, and Brian. Brian chased our car down and when I rolled down my window asked us for a Christmas kiss. I figured he was just interested in jill so i sat back and waited. Then I made some uncomfortable joke about not having any chocolate.. hoping to avoid the situation.. when no one got my hershey reference I had a brief thought and kissed him on the cheek. That sufficed and he rounded the car to jill to receive toll. Then we watched him hail neel... lol I was suddenly very glad he had come to our car first.
not that neelio isnt grand.

We went to sam ash and danced around picking up idle things and I bought a guitar book for danny. It was a perfect idea. I thought about joe.. but i didnt want to risk it. So then we went to mcdonalds for some lunch since neither of us had eaten during 7th period. While there we encountered a group of edison boys that looked our age. They ate faster than we did and left.. or so we thought. We turned to the full length window to my right and her left only to find those 3 boys standing against the window staring expressionless at us. We were immediately uncomfortable.. boys dont just stop and stare at us. Its not done. And so we reacted like anyone would.. we got squeemish and proceeded to not look at them. We even turned to look at the wall opposite them. To our hilarity we saw them making shadow puppets. It was histerical and i had to jump in so i made a shadow puppet that ate one of their puppets... it was very odd.. but really funny.
We walked out --passed them and they said "good afternoon", they made a phone gesture to which i just laughed... I was hoping they might ask jill. The walked to their car as we walked to ours and then we left.

It was weird, but fun. Not that im starved for attention, but it was attention i dont normally get from strangers...or most of my friends for that matter.

So then we made our way to the mall in meager hope of finding the Grease broadway soundtrack.. but i picked up another kool cd, so its ok. And now im home, and boy am i tired. No poem tonight... too much to write.

g'nite sleepers

A POEM THAT SHOULD NEVER RHYME

"Oh he's someone special for me to love
though never should he know it
he's warm and always there to care
though not wihout liability or risk
But he's the only one I'll have."

-geek3


I spent the entire day (once i got home) looking back. Trying to gain some edge that would help me make heads or tails of what worries my mind. I dismiss it quickly enough, but it always returns.. and so today, I took time and only found more questions. When does the past become just that.. the past. I always thought that a person chose how the past would reflect upon their future.. sure it might travel with them, as we cannot sever the lives we'ved led from the life we wish to live--but at some point it should melt away, or become more and more acceptable until the day you stop letting it rule your destiny.

It bothers me when I do this, and when other do too. I understand that I bring a lot of baggage to all of my relationships. But for the most part, I think Im open about it.

It was nice today.. a couple people told me that they have noticed that I've been glowing the past few days. They said I was radiant.. and that today even my hair seemed happy in curls. I told them that it was all joe's fault.. and although I couldnt say why.. im sure its the reason.

I have grown so tired lately, that my happiness is the only thing that keeps me going. Its like some constant source of adrenaline. But I would say its more than just hormones. I have been truly happy lately.

For all the things I have to hold against this relationship they cannot overcome the joy i feel just knowing he cares. I have a lot of things to overcome... and i dont really plan on doing that alone. It hasnt been a month, but when im not with him im thinking about ;sdlfkj;lsdafkjiowejfsdm,f

i feel dizzy. i have to stop thinking... it ruins me. i ruin me.



Im not above
taking risks for a love
that none have ever possessed

And Im not above
stepping out on a love
that never has stood the test

No Im not above
looking up towards a love
that never has proved to exist

And Im not above
asking for love
from a well that should never run dry

No Im not above
pronouncing my love
though my tongue should be so shy

But I am above
deserting a love
no that I could never let stand

No, Im not above
reaching out for a love
oh, I'll hold it tight in my hand.

I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
when hope was high and life worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die-
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.

Then I was young and unafraid,
and dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid-
No song unsung, no wine untasted.

But the tigers come at night
with their voices soft as thunder-
as they tear your home apart
as they turn your dream to shame.

And still I dream he'll come to me
and we will live the years together.
But there are dreams that cannot be-
and there are storms we cannot weather.

I had a dream that life would be
so different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed.
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

Yes its late, yes i have a math test tomorrow. Yes im getting a C. Yes I should either be in bed or studying. (there.. thats enough affirmative action for one night.. on with the blog!)


So today was probably one of the nicest days I've had in a very long time. Not to say that my days arent usually nice, but today was grand. Elizabeth picked me up and I had a really nice time talking to her... her locker is right next to mine, but we never get bored of each other... at least i hope..lol Then things just generally went well.. My friends were in good moods, I got to spend time with joe before school and I managed to avoid getting a lot of homework.

After school my day sky rocketed. Joe and I brought danny home and then went to see Lord of the Rings II which was very good. The landscape for that movie was breathtaking. Joe was often breathtaking as well.. so Im feeling a little winded... thank goodness no one reads this. ---otherwise someone would point out that i just posted that all over the internet or something. =-)

It would be nice to live with joe. Or to live next to joe. I think I'd settle for that. Then again, my mother popping up everywhere would prolly not be much fun.. so i guess i'll have to settle for living where i live and just making him come over more. My mom asked me tonight if i was sick of joe yet... i looked at her funny and she was like "yeah well u spend so much time with him.. not counting in school when you spend all ur time in the hallway going to bathrooms and such" ----I had to laugh.. the woman made a funny.

oh and i got into douglas. yes im going to college. I think thats nice. I think someone didnt like how comfortable i was with only applying to one school because ms singewald told me the other day that to her knowledge Rutgers didnt have my application.. always a nice thing to tell someone two weeks after the deadline. =-) Orange County anyone??? Except my roadtrip would take all of 5 minutes to get to the admissions office. lol oh well i guess i should stop working on the screen play. "somerset county" had a nice ring to it. (the word of the day is "nice"--if ur slow on the uptake, or as tired as i am)

I should go.. I need to be snoring by midnight. G'nite loves.. time to fly away.

Bed! Bed! I couldn't go to bed!
My head's too light to try to set it down!
Sleep! Sleep! I couldn't sleep tonight.
Not for all the jewels in the crown!

I could have danced all night!
I could have danced all night!
And still have begged for more.
I could have spread my wings
And done a thousand things
I've never done before.
I'll never know
What made it so exciting;
Why all at once
My heart took flight.
I only know when he
Began to dance with me
I could have danced, danced, danced all night!

It's after three now.
Don't you agree now,
She ought to be in bed.

I could have danced all night!
I could have danced all night!
And still have begged for more.
I could have spread my wings
And done a thousand things
I've never done before.
I'll never know
What made it so exciting.
Why all at once my heart took flight.
I only know when he
Began to dance with me.
I could have danced, danced, danced all night!

I understand, dear.
It's all been grand, dear.
But now it's time to sleep.

I could have danced all night,
I could have danced all night.
And still have begged for more.
I could have spread my wings,
And done a thousand things
I've never done before.
I'll never know
What made it so exciting.
Why all at once my heart took flight.
I only know when he
Began to dance with me
I could have danced, danced, danced
All night!

My wandering love

Where are you my love, my stranger?
Can you hear me tonight
all the words I can't say?
If you'd just stay with me
and love me forever
I would never leave you -I'd never go.

Where are you my love, my wanderer?
Why do you leave me alone
to steal joy from your fading shadow?
The memory of your slight touch
to haunt me forever
The world is cold without you
-but you must go.

Where are you my love, my dreamer?
Will you sleep well tonight
and wake to create your world?
The smile that I did covet
will be gone forever
And these arms that would ever hold you
-will have to let go.

glp

I wrote that last year. Its saddening to remember that night. It puts that feeling right back in the pit of my stomach. Some feelings should never be forgotten...though hopefully never repeated. Every once in a while I revisit those feelings. Its a cold feeling. "but i should never think of spring, for that would surely break my heart in two."

I started learning the piano today. I want to learn how so badly.. so that maybe someday I'll be able to play for my loved ones and we could all sing together. I think that would be nice.

I feel cold inside. Not happy. Kinda pissed. I know i dont have a tough life. I know there are things I should be doing with myself to make my life better for me and for everyone else.. but im still angry.

i dont want to talk anymore. i just want to be left alone.. its not easy to live up to bumper stickers

i love ur smile, just dont make me