Don't stand around your haunted home
Those demons won't leave you alone
Don't forget me when you grow old
Remember, Remember ......

--liam finn

So I've been told that I've changed a lot this year. In some ways I would agree. I've been through alot of change this year and I am of the opinion that experience and how you choose to interpret it, has an influence on you. To be sure I probably have upset some people who care about me, friends that I've made who have grown to love me and whom I have grown to love as well. I imagine that for them, I've changed quite a lot from the person I was when I was with joe. I know that during the time he and I were together I changed from the person I was in highschool to the person I was for most of college, and all the people I was in between as well.

It must be hard to recognize in me the same girl I used to be. But I am not without similarities to that girl. She is still there in the occassional tone of my voice, in the playful faces I make, in the way I rub my forehead as I read. There are significant traces of that girl, she is not gone. She is just learning how to live life differently, to face the challenges that frighten her and intimidate her and how to look at herself reassuringly when others cannot. I have been told that I have hardened myself, grown selfish and thoughtless where the feelings of others are concerned. I suppose I have hardened and perhaps been too selfish at times. But my world changed last christmas. It was a change that separated me from a part of myself and reunited me with another part of myself.

There are people who will tell you that I'm in trouble. They will tell you that they think I am lost and that I am without direction while at the same time telling you that I am stronger than they are, since I was able to walk away from something that meant so much and to get involved in other relationships without too much hesitation. They will tell you that they rescind their friendship because they cannot stand to watch me ruining myself, lowering my standards, completely debasing myself and living a life where love means little compared with the fear of being alone.

I will tell you that there are mornings when I wake up and hesitate to get out of bed because I have not found a job, and worry that I'll run out of money and run out of strength and courage and take some job that I hate just so I don't feel like a loser. I will tell you that there are days when I wish I was back in school, with only those cares and worries. But I will also tell you that most days I see my life as one filled with beauty and opportunity. I see the sky, and I see myself and I think of the limitlessness of potential and I see much more than a woman who doesnt have a job, but instead a person who has found herself in one of life's more uncomfortable situations. I recognize that the fear I faced at the end of the year was more of the unknown than of not getting what I wanted. Because ultimately what we all want is certainty, purpose, a place to go every morning and a place to sit every evening and collect ourselves and feel like we're worth something. My goal and my desire is still to go to graduate school, I want to be a literature professor more than anything else. And I don't see this as a set back, but as a lesson in being flexible. The earlier I meet with this reality, stumble over it, almost ALMOST break my neck and get up and deal with it- the better I'll be the next time around.

So the trick is not to hide, although there are many times when I think I should just go live in a hole in the center of a mountain and dream my days away-- but instead to live. I will live, and I will do it to the best of my seemingly limited ability.

Those who care for me, I just ask that you be there for me. Because life without you will just not be the same.

Night is just the day breathing in.

The week is practically over, and good thing. It has been waay rough. Between being on death's door and fighting with sean, I feel like any more of this week and I might need a short stay in the hospital. Good news is I am feeling better ( I woke up today and my throat didn't hurt, haven't seen the return of the headaches or the fevers either ) and although Pete Yorn didn't play for longer than an hour, he did play Dancing in the Dark and I was introduced to the magic that is Liam Finn. Finn was fabulously charming and I bought not only his cd, but also his t-shirt. It was too much up my alley not to buy it.

The night was punctuated here and there by uncomfortable honesty and my slowly returning health only made the night more interesting as I tended to get very emotional. I figure I'm just tired still, and all the emotional stuff was just too much for me. I'm still very congested, so breathing is a chore, and when breathing is a chore, everything else takes real work.

I'm going to bed now because I am tired.

Paper Bag

I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances
Were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said, 'Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void,' he said
'It's all in your head,' and I said, 'So's everything'
But he didn't get it
I thought he was a man
But he was just a little boy

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

-fiona apple

It has been a day and a half since my last post, more because I've fallen rather dramatically ill quite suddenly. My mom thinks I might have lymes or something. So yeah, there is a thought to brighten the summer.

Yesterday was sunday, and I had made plans to meet up with jeremy in teaneck. Reshma took josh with them to the yankee game, and my parents got to have some time to themselves to go to the movies and just enjoy each other's company. Reshma is good. Danny is still in Maine, and actually today is his 20th birthday. He comes home tomorrow, and I don't have a gift for him yet. I wasn't planning on being so yucky. One of these days I have to get into the city to hang out with jim, but I guess now that'll have to wait.

So, yesterday I made it up to teaneck- though late- armed with a mix cd, Songs Picked by a Grape, Or- The Reason I'm Late. After I found out how much his dog dislikes bass, I regretted putting so little funk on the cd, but hey who knew. I met his mom and dad and we went to a park which is also the location of the county zoo. We saw mountain lions, bobcats, alligators, pig, goats, turtles, owls and other birds, monkeys, ostrich, bald eagles, prarie dogs, and even an ANTEATER. I'd never seen one before, and it looked like something out of science fiction. The tail looked like a peacock's tail, all feather like. Also it looked like it was wearing fringey cowboy pants on its legs. lol

At the park jeremy found a marble which reminded me of MIB. Apparently I am the worst ninja in the world because I was completely unable to sneak up on him.

In addition to all of those animals, we also saw cows. This is important because when we were heading over to the zoo I told jeremy that I had asked my brother dan which animal he would pick to completely erase from the face of the earth. I had picked the cow because of how useful it is. I imagined the sadness and havoc of a world without milk, ice cream, cheeseburgers, leather etc. Danny had chosen the bald eagle because he wanted to squash the patriotic sentiment in the country. Jeremy was a very hard sell on the idea of killing animals, but eventually decided that if he could he would get rid of Pugles. The dog crossbreed of pugs and poodles. He never really got the idea, that we had nothing against cows or eagles, but that it was the backlash that we were interested in causing. For the rest of the day I was the animal killer.

haha

Later we went to palisade park, saw a creepy graveyard, encountered a cop and were sent on our way. All in all it was a pretty good day. Unfortunately I think I am allergic to the boy because almost as soon as I got in the car to go home I felt absolutely awful. My throat was swollen, my head ached, I had a fever and my body was shutting down. I made it all the way home in only a half hour, going nearly 100 the whole way. I couldn't wait to put myself to bed.

I still feel icky. Though they said they werent allowed to use the water yesterday and yet they gave us ice in our drinks. Maybe it was the ice? Anyway, that was my weekend. It is monday now- and I am sick.

Nessun Dorma

Nessun dorma! Nessun dorma!
Tu pure, o, Principessa,
nella tua fredda stanza,
guardi le stelle
che fremono d'amore
e di speranza.

Ma il mio mistero e chiuso in me,
il nome mio nessun sapra!
No, no, sulla tua bocca lo diro
quando la luce splendera!

Ed il mio bacio sciogliera il silenzio
che ti fa mia!

(Il nome suo nessun sapra!...
e noi dovrem, ahime, morir!)

Dilegua, o notte!
Tramontate, stelle!
Tramontate, stelle!
All'alba vincero!
vincero, vincero!

-- puccini, From the opera Turandot

incredible performance of this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1k08yxu57NA

So I am not a big opera fan, but I love this aria, and I don't know a person alive who doesn't feel the emotion of living fill their chest and rush in waves through their body when they hear it done well. Puccini was a genius, and maybe captured a bit of love's magic in music when he wrote this into being. I shall win. At dawn, I shall win. God bless.

I went to a bbq at carmel's house, and aside from my brothers not being there, I had an incredibly wonderful time. So many people were there, I got a chance to talk with them all. My family was there to celebrate my graduation, and carmel, tina, maria, tully, trish, linda and silvio, and carmel's mother were there and so we reunited our italian vacation group. I really bonded with those people during that vacation, they took me in as their own and we were like family. Seeing them was really wonderful and I hope to see them again before too long.

I'm going to bed. and tomorrow.... VINCERO VINCERO VINCERO!



Here is the translation for those who don't know italian:

None must sleep! None must sleep!
And you, too, Princess,
in your cold room,
gaze at the stars
which tremble with love
and hope!

But my mystery is locked within me,
no-one shall know my name!
No, no, I shall say it as my mouth
meets yours when the dawn is breaking!

And my kiss will break the silence
which makes you mine!

(No-one shall know his name,
and we, alas, shall die!)

Vanish, o night!
Fade, stars!
Fade, stars!
At dawn I shall win
I shall win-
I shall win!