it's extremely cold in my house. I'm not really sure why, but I'm sure that its uncomfortable and it makes me want to pee an awful lot. Now that Ive shared that bit of uncomfortable conversation killer, I'm going to try to figure out what I feel like doing.

My dad is kinda getting on my nerves. He just keeps picking at everything I like and finding things for himself to disapprove of in them. I know that I do this too sometimes, I get in moods where I'm just kinda snippy and agitated with things, and so I'm willing to cut him some slack. Recognition is half the battle...yeah right.

I feel like cutting my hair. Or dying it- though I'm not sure I want to deal with the hassle of dying it. Plus after I dyed it black and had that whole ordeal about getting it back to normal...I'm not sure if it'd be so smart an idea to mess with it again. Especially since I'm gonna be going back to school in a few months when my hair starts to grow out again, and then I don't want to be embarrased. I don't know... if I don't get into rutgers then I wont really have anything to worry about because I'll be going to douglass but living at home- so having terribly awkward hair wont really matter because I wont really know anyone or have any relationships. God I just have to get in. And when I do I am going to need to party, celebrate, relieve the anxiety that right now I'm gently suppressing and casually shrugging off as if it were some minor hiccup in my confidence and well-being. Ok rambling needs to end. I need to write more, I'm beginning to lose my touch.

My dad and brothers helped me realize today that the guy who pissed me off last night would have pissed me off no matter what he did last night, although his actions weren't particularly smart. no i dont mean lizardman. who could stay mad at a lizardman? i mean another.

My brother should form a band. I'd really like to be able to sing with him, we don't sound bad together, I just don't know all his songs. I think that'd be awesome. I could play bass and he could play guitar. I might just give it a try this summer. I have to do something. I'm gonna start painting next week too. I know exactly what I'm gonna try. =-)

But yeah.. something with the hair has got to change. I'm tired of this.

i have to gorgeous myself, everyone needs a little gorgeous every once in a while.
damnit i have to pee again. damn cold!

oh and i told my dad what "bling bling" meant... and "frosting". he's funny.

ever feel so depressed that you make yourself an ungodly large bowl of ice cream, topped with sauce? have you ever been so depressed that you threw yourself into it and every other self-absorbed sense dulling indulgence you could find?

ugh. me too.

help me.

Grown tired of water all the time

--dmb

i need a holiday.

my heart is heavy.

i am forgotten.

if you dont know the context
you dont know anything.

the other woman finds time to manicure her nails.
the other woman is perfect where her rival fails.

i don't know whether i'm going away or being sent away.

there is always hope on sunday.

i feel cold and alone.

the thing about doing your own thing is
you end up on your own.

i never claimed to be perfect, or even delightful. However it'd be nice if I never went to bed thinking otherwise.

i know thats how i feel about him.

have you ever wondered what that little line is that britney spears sings after "my weakness caused you pain" in her song "everytime"? Probably not. Well frankly- I have. it's been really bothering me, not constantly of course, but whenever I hear the song I am overcome with curiosity to know what that little whimper of a line really is. Well tonight folks, let the mystery be revealed.

To be honest, I was confused because I thought she said "anthe sex was so ..." the last word lost me. Was the sex "good"? Was the sex "real"...I wasn't sure the sex was either. I even wondered if she thought the sex was "short". You know how those pop stars are, they don't necessarily guarantee you a line that rhymes. So all of this just frustrated me even more. I had to know how the sex was. I just had to.

So I LOOKED- IT UP. I know, amazing. And the line.. if you were wondering is "and this song's my sorry". Now isn't THAT sweet? But I'm still curious. How was the sex britney?

i left in the middle of the night so of course I'm here. No where else to really go that won't remind me of what I just left, so I might as well sit here and dwell for the moment. God knows I'd only be keeping people up if I mentioned it to anyone else.

I'm angry. It's the lingering kind of sad angry that you get when one of your friends isn't acting right. Or maybe they are acting right, they just aren't really your friend. either way, that's how I feel and its nice and crappy.

Mind you I don't really want to be here right now, I'd rather be where I just left- but that's done now. Plus I need to think about this and if I was there I'd just want to talk about it and just like I said earlier, keeping other people awake hasn't been the most constructive plan of action I've ever implemented.

today did not go well.
i put too much pressure on him.
what a mess this turned out to be.


i need to sleep, but i just want to cry.