I'm Actual

Can we take the next hour and talk about me?
Talk about me, oh we'll talk about me
Talk about me, and we'll only talk about me

Can we please take this hour and talk about me?
And my hatred for corporate magazines
You know they don't speak to me
The irony is they won't speak with me

I placed you on a windowsill
Cut notches up and down the door
My surprise I woke up one morning
In our bed, in your place, lay a note

It read, "Baby, Your love it just ain't good enough.
I found sunlight 6 hours away.
You watered me down 'til I drifted abound
Somewhere far from your shade."

Now I shadow my former self
Once holy, now lonely, a chest full of holes
red wax it paints me all clear
When the big hand strikes 12, I disappear

And the angels are fake and they'll lie to your face
Anything to keep you away
You watered me down 'til I drifted abound
Somewhere far from your shade

It's time I accept the fact that you on your back
It has buried the past
Can we please take this hour and talk about me?
Talk about me, oh we'll talk about me
Talk about me, and we'll only talk about me

Can we please take this hour and talk about me?
And my hatred for corporate magazines
You know they don't speak to me
The irony is they won't speak with me

--the format

So here I am very much enjoying my dog problems. They have such up-beats with such mildly depressing themes and content. It's like something I recently read in a book called Lolita in Tehran; that the reason why we can feel good after reading books in which terribly sad and awful things happen, and even like these books is because of the amazing skill of the form. The content is enriched by the form to such an extent that we rejoice over the experience of reading it, even though the content itself maybe challenge or bother us. In the same way, I can both identify with the sadness of the song and feel that sadness, while at the same time rejoicing over the experience of the song.

I don't want to talk about my life right now.

Ok so I had my interview today with the high school but am still a little kid as far as the rest of mah life is concerned and was immediately taken in by this internet evaluation of how the men I drool over on the big screen translate into what I am looking for from mr. nextdoor. I included all of her assessments because I found myself very much in the Sweet Sensitive camp but with the occassional starry eyes for a warrior man. In other words, I want a man to love me and still have the confidence to keep up with me everywhere it counts. diplomacy diplomacy diplomacy. =-) so yes, do enjoy. My own comments can be found in parentheses on the occassion that I feel the need to put my 2 cents in)
-------------------------------------------------
from : Who’s your celeb dream date?
By Chelsea Kaplan

For the fellas:::::::::::

The Girl Next Door: Drew Barrymore in Music & Lyrics, Kate Hudson in You, Me and Dupree, Kirsten Dunst in Spiderman 3 and Cameron Diaz in There’s Something About Mary

You’re really looking for: Someone with whom you can have a quality, committed relationship. You’re seeking someone reliable, dependable and trustworthy—someone you can take home to your family and someone who can get along with your friends. You want a companion you can build a life with and someone who will return your genuine love for them.

The Love Doctor weighs in: “The girl next door is the gal who will really understand why you still hang out with your high-school buddy who is obsessed with antique trains, or why you will only eat ice cream on weekends. What does this say about you? It means that you are ready to have a relationship in your life and to trust and share your intimate feelings and thoughts with a woman.”

The Brain: Toni Collette in In Her Shoes, Gwyneth Paltrow in Proof and Julianne Moore in Children of Men

You’re really looking for: An intellectual challenge. You want someone who can meet you head-to-head in wits and intelligence. You crave a woman who gets turned on by seeing a foreign film and then getting into an animated discussion about it later in bed.

The Love Doctor weighs in: “You are secure in yourself, with who you are and with where you are in life and work. You are not threatened by women who are your equals in power and intelligence. Instead, you feel intelligent women amp love and sex up to the next level.”

The Bombshell: Rose McGowan in Grindhouse, Beyoncé Knowles in Dreamgirls and Jessica Simpson in The Dukes of Hazzard

You’re really looking for: Someone with whom you can have a fun date, a one-night stand or a non-committed relationship. You want someone who can give you an encounter or relationship with no strings attached or who won’t come with any emotional baggage. This type of woman could patent a perfume called “Unavailable,” which is a scent that always turns you on.

The Love Doctor weighs in: “In choosing this type of woman, you show that you value fun and excitement over commitment. Being attracted to the bombshell type indicates that you are not in the right space and place to settle down with a woman, and you aren’t ready to trust and share yourself fully with a woman. Instead, you’re in it for fun. There’s also a chance that choosing this woman communicates a certain sense of guardedness. You are reminding yourself that you could be hurt emotionally if you fall in love and become vulnerable.”

The High-Maintenance Princess: Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde, Lela Rochon in Waiting to Exhale and Uma Thurman in My Super Ex-Girlfriend

You’re really looking for: Women who will be dependent on you. High-maintenance women will always call on you to you to fulfill their needs, and in choosing one, you’re willing to gladly cater to their each and every need. In return, you will be given rewards for all that you do to please them.

The Love Doctor weighs in: “Even though she is exasperating at times, you like to be seen with this gal because she’s always well-put together and enhances your image with the guys. Chances are, you are also someone who doesn’t have a high degree of self-confidence or self-esteem. You need the reinforcement or positive feedback from others that this kind of woman brings to feel good about yourself.”

The Career Woman: Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada and Kate Bosworth in Superman Returns

You’re really looking for: A woman who is confident with herself and expects to be at the top…and in front of others.

The Love Doctor weighs in: “You are not afraid or threatened by women who are powerful, bright, and earn a good living. This says a lot about your own confidence: You don’t fade out when the woman in your life shines.”

The older woman: Jennifer Aniston in The Good Girl, Diane Lane in Unfaithful and Cate Blanchett in Notes on a Scandal

You’re really looking for: Someone who’s experienced…and relatively drama-free.

The Love Doctor weighs in: “This means that you are more mature than your years or that you are attracted to the qualities of your mother. Neither is a bad thing. You have probably always been interested in friends who were older than you. You have also learned a secret—that older also means more experienced. Sometimes older translates into less drama too, which is fine with you. Rejoice in your own maturity and be watchful that any age gap doesn’t create too many conflicts.”

And for the ladies:::::

The Bad Boy: George Clooney in Ocean’s Thirteen, Colin Farrell in Miami Vice, and Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

What you’re really looking for: Someone who is exciting, adventurous, and even a little bit dangerous. This guy lives life on the edge, and if you’re with him, you’ll get the opportunity to take a walk on the wild side right along with him.

The Love Doctor weighs in: “A woman who is professionally successful and highly achievement-oriented is often attracted to a bad boy, because being with someone who is unreliable and spontaneous — her complete opposite — is very exciting and sexy. Because he’s not someone to settle down with, in choosing him you communicate that you aren’t yet ready for a quality relationship. Instead, you are looking for fun and probably feeling the need for a little rebelliousness. You might even be a bit unhappy, but not ready yet to look at your life. You haven’t yet realized that your heart will pump faster when you find someone who is similar, not your opposite.” (If you are a bit unhappy, I'm sure a little vacation time in the sun with george clooney will perk you right up... haha)

The Peter Pan: Vince Vaughn in The Break-Up, Matthew McConaughey in Failure to Launch and Jack Black in School of Rock

What you’re really looking for: A man who wants and needs to be taken care of. You adore his carefree, kid-like attitude, which feels fresh and different to you, even if it does remind you of being an older sister. When the two of you spend an afternoon playing hooky from work, its tremendous fun makes you feel young and giggly again, which is refreshing.

The Love Doctor weighs in: “If you’re attracted to an ‘I won’t grow up’ kind of guy, you tend to be someone to whom others turn for advice and help because you’re a very solid, reliable person. You’re glad to be that kind of person, but you may feel weighed down by always being the responsible one or feel like there’s too much structure or ‘adulthood’ in your own life. In picking this guy, you choose your opposite — someone who most certainly isn’t structure-oriented — and that provides you with the escape you need.” (I can't help commenting here that this is a very unattractive sort to me. I have 3 brothers, I don't need another, and even they don't need to be taken care of. I am very much for the fun free attitude, but the characters she lists are pretty lame to me. I know I probably sound like a jerk but I don't want to be with a guy who lives a life I don't want to lead myself.)

The Player: Ryan Phillippe in Cruel Intentions, Jude Law in Alfie and Will Smith in Hitch What you’re really looking for: The boost to your own self-image that you gain from being with someone who others find highly attractive.

The Love Doctor weighs in: “Choosing this type of guy can indicate a host of different things. Picking a player can suggest a need for attention. By wanting to be with someone who not only has a reputation for being a hot commodity, but also is known for being with the ‘hottest women,’ your stock with others rises. It’s also possible that you have low self-esteem if this is your type, because you don’t think you can get a man on your own merits. Lastly, the fact that you’re pursuing a manipulative, arrogant hottie says that you’re not looking for the marrying type.” (another incredibly unattractive man. Not in the traditional sense because god knows these men are hot hot tamales. But I don't value myself any higher just because the last girl you were with was gorgeous (too).)

The Sweet, Sensitive Guy: Zach Braff in Garden State, John Cusack in Say Anything and Adrien Brody in King Kong What you’re really looking for: A keeper. Someone who will get along with your friends and family, be your best friend, confidant and your lover. This is a guy who was telling the truth in his profile: He really does like to talk long walks and watch the sunset! The

Love Doctor weighs in: “In picking a kind and considerate guy, you’re indicating that you want a mate who is confident and able to share and express his feelings to you. You have a calm, confident attitude about love—and plenty of time to explore it with this guy. You’re ready for a real relationship, and chances are, he is, too. This could be the real thing.” (SWOON!)

The Warrior: Bruce Willis in Live Free or Die Hard, Brad Pitt in Troy and Viggo Mortensen in Lord of the Rings

What you’re really looking for: A man who is powerful and aggressive. This guy knows what he wants, goes for it and always gets it. You love that he’s tough and nearly always emerges victorious when he engages in battle—be it on the court, the field, the battleground or in the workplace.

The Love Doctor weighs in: “You like the idea of a man taking control of the relationship; his power turns you to mush. In picking a guy like this, you don’t necessarily have to have control over what goes on in your relationship all the time. He’s got raw sexuality, and you do, too, so you’re a hot pair.” (oh viggo, and Brad Pitt in troy.....hmmmmmm, though i liked eric bana in troy better and he's more the sensitive warrior guy, so maybe he's the bridge connecting the warrior to the sensitive guy?)

The Workaholic: Matt Damon in The Good Shepherd, Topher Grace in In Good Company and Richard Gere in Shall We Dance?

What you’re really looking for: Someone who won’t be turned off by your busy schedule.

The Love Doctor weighs in: “You are a person who likes to do things on her own. In fact, you may be a bit of a workaholic yourself and believe that sexy text messages back and forth aren’t such a bad stand-in for the real thing once in a while. You don’t mind hanging out with the girls or pursuing your own career, because time with your partner is like a rich dessert—you enjoy it all the more because it’s infrequent. You get what you need out of your relationship, although you may not see your partner or spend as much time with him as others do in their relationships. You get plenty of affirmation from others in your life like friends, family and co-workers.” (ugh another guy im not interested in. A guy with a dream, with the gumption to take on challenges and jump at opportunities is great, and time with my ladies sounds loverly but "workaholic"- he might be nice when it comes to my birthday and anniversaries, if he's around for them... but no that just doesnt jive with my philosophy on life and love)

TIME BOMB

Oh no, was it worth it?
Starting now I’m starting over
I’m gonna sleep with the next person I meet
starting now I’m starting over
you swore "together forever"
now you're telling lies
well tell me your words
they got no, they got no concept of time

tick tock, you’re not a clock, you’re a time bomb baby, a time bomb, baby, oh
tick tock, you’re not a clock, you’re a time bomb baby, a time oh, oh, oh

oh no, was it worth it
was it worth what you did to your wrists?

was it worth what you did to big business?
was it worth what your friends put up their noses?

So, starting now I'm starting over (stop it)
Tell the new wave kids their make-up kits
Can find me where self pity gets a breath of fresh air

tick tock, you’re not a clock, you’re a time bomb baby, a time bomb, baby, oh
tick tock, you’re not a clock, you’re a time bomb baby, a time oh, oh, oh

you set the watch, you're just in time
oh, to wreck my life, to bring back what I left behind

tick tock, you’re not a clock, you’re a time bomb baby, a time bomb, baby, a time
bomb, baby, a time bomb, baby, a time oh, oh, oh

four years and you fell for a waiter
I’m sure he says he’s an actor
so you’re acting like....
(you never tried to take your life)
so, starting now I’m starting over
I’m throwing bottles and
I’m taking showers
I’m going to sleep
I’m going to sleep

so, starting now I’m starting over (stop it)
well, starting now I’m starting over (stop it)
to play the game, get even, act my age

tick tock, you’re not a clock, you’re a time bomb baby, a time bomb, baby, oh
tick tock, you’re not a clock, you’re a time bomb baby, a time oh, oh, oh

you set the watch, you’re just in time
to wreck my life, to bring back what i left behind

tick tock, you’re not a clock, you’re a time bomb baby, a time bomb, baby, oh
tick tock, you’re not a clock, you’re a time bomb baby, a time oh, oh, oh

Oh no, was it worth it
was it worth what you did to your wrists?

--The Format

So this song is very very good and has lyrically nothing to do with anything related to my life, but I like it. Yesterday was a very big day for me, I hung out with Ali and Suzanne at the beach and had a really great time. It was nice to sit in the sun and talk and catch up. I've missed those girls alot and it felt really good to hang out with them again. Its amazing how some friends you can go a long time without seeing and then when you finally come back together the level of intimacy is still there, you feel comfortable like you always used to. It put me at ease. So much has happened this year that I had wondered from time to time whether I'd lost some of my friends for good. It was a wonderful feeling to be standing on the beach with the waves hitting my legs and to feel like things were going to be okay.

Afterward I went to dinner in Princeton with suzanne, sean, ali, john, ally and joe. We got fondu and it was very much like old times. It was just a really nice day. I got sunburnt though, in the oddest places. On the sides of my hips and on my back where my straps were. Damn spray on sun screen!

Maggie and I talked alot today, it too was nice. God I hate the word nice. She sent me 2 of the format's albums. I talked to joe today a good bit too. I also set up an interview for tomorrow morning around 11, not for a teaching job but for a receptionist job essentially. Also my mom finds out tomorrow from her principal whether or not I have a job there filling in for some kid who needs vacation time from summer school. So all in all, a good day with ihop for dinner. ;-)

Okay apparently my blog is too big. ......... ok bye

"Crystal Village"

Take my hand
Come with me
Into this crystal scenery
And wait, til I retain the ticket

You would never have the time
I would love to change your mind
You were there
And it was good in the beginning

Over here, see the lights
Arranging twilight sages
Commence to reveal it to the others
You would never have the time
I would love to change your mind
You were there
And it was good in the beginning
You were there
We were good in the beginning

Yeah, take my hand and come with me
Into this crystal village
And see the lights so fried in brightness
Cos you will never have the time
I would love to change your mind
You were there
And it was good in the beginning

Take my hand, come with me
I see the lights so brightly
And we fall as if we never really mattered
Cos you will never have the time
I would love to change your mind
It was there And it was good in the beginning

We were there
It was good in the beginning.

-pete yorn


it was good in the beginning, and it can be good again. baby steps.

and so begins another chapter.