"In these dangerous days there is a right way and a wrong way to be strong."

--john kerry

Just when you think everything is going alright, you get that sinking- empty feeling in your gut that tells you that it's all been a dream, and that you'll never outgrow your emotions, nor will you ever be as grown as you think you ought to be by now.

I liked that quote by john kerry.  not that im going to write about his speech.  I just thought it was a good quote. 

i'm stressed, its midterms and finals all wrapped up in one week. 

im awesome.  im interesting.  im someone.  if I read your blog... don't I matter?

i don't have to wonder who reads this thing.  cuz i know that you don't, right hun?

 

bottle up and explode

bottle up and explode
over and over, keep the troublemaker below
put it away and check out for the day
and in for a round of overexposure
the thing mother nature provides
to get up and go
 
bottle up and explode
seeing the stars
surrounding you, red white and blue
 
you look at him like you've never known him
but I know for a fact that you have
the last time you cried
who'd you think was inside
thinking that you were about to come over
but I'm tired now of waiting for you
you never show
 
bottle up and go
if you're gonna hide it's up to you
I'm coming through
 
bottle up and go
I can make it outside
I'll get through becoming you
becoming you
becoming you

--Elliot Smith

I haven't decided which song yet to use.  I'm writing this part first.  I figure if I just listen to a whole bunch of Elliot Smith songs a line or two will grab me.  At the moment the lost feeling I've got is looking for a melody to define itself.  Jeff Buckley couldn't quite reach it.  Nick Drake is too fuckin out there to make an attempt, so my thoughts say that elliot won't let me down.

Not that I'm depressed.  Which even confuses me.  Why would elliot smith be perfect to define my lost feeling if I'm not depressed.  Well I am sad.  But I'm also looking to find an answer.  I'm not content to be miserable.  And I haven't reconciled myself to futility.  I just find myself suddenly dropped in a place where my gut instincts have proven self-destructive. 

The moon is really big, but it's missing a fairly big slice.  Like my stomache.  It's orange.

The last thing I want to be is a burden.  My mind is constipated.  I think so hard about things so stupid that when the important things come along all I have to offer are blank stares and lame hugs.  Sometimes I'm far too idealistic.  I don't know why I thought that a hug might change things, calm things, make life's true priorities come to light.  Maybe I've watched too much Seventh Heaven.  Maybe I really am an idiot.  Cuz as it went I just took two to the gut and left on the mock consolation that of everyone, I probably had it the lightest.  I didn't have to deal with mom when I got home, I didn't have to deal with dad when he got home, and I had someone else who loves me right there to hold my head and help me laugh.

I just figured out which song I'm going to use.  It's not as upbeat as baby britain.. but at this point, I'm just really kinda tired. 

everybody should leave a comment offering to buy me a drink--
and then whoever actually does that, can buy me one.  lol ah melancholy slipping into delerium.  thats probably not spelled right.  oh whatever.  gnite folks... this idiot is going to sleep away this nightmare.

"It's hard to believe that people made such a fuss
over a guy who whispered such melancholy songs
over an acoustic guitar."
--Real One Player

^^ you know what, mr real one player??  you are an ass.^^