Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed- interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit- crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing you last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that?

--opening and closing monologue of Trainspotting

I want this poster. There is something refreshing about it. Something hopelessly dark. A somewhat irish way of looking at things. Once, in talking to my dad, I asked him (wow this sentence is starting to sound like the excerpts from the "analects" of Confucious.. lets go with it) "what is irish catholic guilt? and why is called ours?"

Confucious said.. I mean my dad thought about it and then said that there are generally two types of irsh. There are the happy good spirited masters of humor, Im sure everyone knows what I mean. Its that happy irishman that goes to the pub and drinks his fill (and maybe urs too) and then tells stories or sings or basically just spreads goodness around him. Laid back, masters of wit.

The irish are known for this.

And then there are the others, the dark irish as my dad put it. They are the depressed, cynical, guilt driving ones. If you think about how catholicism (which traditionally used guilt as a tool) has ruled ireland for so long you might understand the tightness with which "the faith" or perhaps more truthfully, "the church" holds the irish. These irish are hot tempered and jealous manipulators of guilt.. something that fits in just right with the dark irish.

I am a little of both. I have my moments that not too far later in the future I regret. but the truth is that once u recognize the ugly things you are capable of, while not forgetting the beautiful, you have more of a choice as to how you want to be.

I guess this post came back to choices. Not really the choices that our scottish friend (not even irish) was rejecting. But he was only seeing half the truth about choices. Only the superficial choices that our guidance counselors want us to make. There is a thought to be had from what he said. Not to agree, but to recognize the truths that he hints at under it all. Its not the only truth to live by... u might end up a drug addict- no but one truth that will help you prioritize the choices you form your life by.

god bless the irish, and god bless you

El Sol

Empty-armed
And half a soul to go

And all I wanted
Was you here next to me
A little sunshine and sympathy

Now everybody knows
That I've been hanging down so low
Cuz now I'm feeling up
Soon I'll be feeling out so cold
Wondering, will you call
And now I'm feeling high
Soon I'll be feeling left for dead
Sometimes someone saying yes
Changes what you'll bet

And all I wanted
Was just to hold you close
A little sunshine
Just to butter my toast
And your love next to mine

I had to let you know
That we were meant to be just right
Heaven sent, not sympathized
By everybody's lie
And now I'm feeling high
Now I'm feeling left so dead
Kicking up the dust in bed
Wondering, I guess

Sunshine
Sunshine
Sunshine
And some tea

And your love
Your love
Your love next to mine

I had to let you know
I had to let you go so I
Could see my lie fade from your eyes
And to my surprise

That's what I wanted
It's all I wanted
It's what I wanted
Me and you

Sunshine
Sunshine
Sunshine
And some tea

That's all I wanted
It's all I wanted
That's all I wanted
It's all I wanted.
---Zwan

IF YOU WANT TO SKIP THIS, I UNDERSTAND----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I finished reading the book of Job. It wasnt terrible. It certainly was an easy read. But I have to give it more thought before I feel something about it. Job basically was this model citizen. He loved and feared God and lived accordingly. God loved him and blest him to be the richest man around and he had many sons and daughters. He lived a good life always good to people and working for their benefit, and everyone was happy.

Then one day the angel of accusation came to god and said (roughly) "you know, he only loves you because ur so good to him, if the tables turned I bet he would curse you without too much trouble". So god says... alright go on and do ur thing, just dont lay a hand on him. So this angel causes all of his bulls and cows to get struck by lightning or drowned. So he hears of this and can't believe it. But then he also hears that all of his children while dining together fell victim to some sort of earthquake that killed them all.

So he mourns and mourns and feels almost broken. But he still blesses god because god is good. Then the angel goes back to god and god pulls one of those "SEE!" and the angel was like "yeah, well man doesnt really care about those and things around him, but mess with his own flesh and its a different story" so god said ok, "go to it, but dont kill him". So Job wakes up and he's plagued with boils and other discomforts. He can't believe it and soon enough he starts to curse his life and say that he wished he had never been born (major insult to god apparently) and that if he had to have been born he wished that he was still-born. Pretty serious eh?

Yeah so all of Job's friends come and feel really bad for him, but they intrepret it as god punishing him for his sins. Ya know the ole' :

"Suffering comes from god. God is just. Therefore Job is guilty."

So they read him out about how he should just repent his sinful ways and it would all be alright.
But Job knows he is innocent. So he intreprets the situation as:

"Suffering comes from god. I am innocent. Therefore God is unjust."

No one ever intreprets it as:

"Suffering comes from God. God is just. Job is innocent."

Eventually Job says that if only he could present his case to God, he could make him see his error. Eventually God comes down and appears to him (somewhat) and goes on and on about how mighty and well i guess omnipotent he is and asks Job lots of questions that reminded me of that song on good friday that goes :

"were you there when they crucified my lord... oh oh oh oh sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble tremble."

Well it resembles the first part about "were u there" cuz God does one of those "oh yeah, well if ur so wise then where were you when i made the sun... and so on" (pulling rank so to speak)

Job sees the error of his ways and submits to god, and god in turn blessess him 3 or 4 times that of before. More wealth, more children, etc.

See, that was one page right there... i read 90. Not bad though, very poetic... but i could write the spark notes. =-)
______________________________________________________________________________________________


OK so yeah.. now that i've gotten that out of my system (this will happen alot.. maybe 11 more times) hehe
I got all of my books except one today. So i feel a lot more comfortable with my situation. With the tension off I can focus on other things. Other very important things.

Last night I had a lot of important conversations. Age and I talked about her and her relationship. I dont want that to happen to me. Not that either of them did anything to make it happen, it was just the way things go. I really miss Joe, and I know that I would wait for him forever, but i'd rather just see him now. hehe

I think about him all the time. I want to be with him. I'm gonna buy phone cards and call his cell.. or something. Im planning on driving up there tomorrow. His picture is right next to my bed. I fall asleep thinking of him. Sometimes I get like Im about to cry, but i havent.

I've talked to people.. almost all guys, but that doesnt really matter-- I've talked to people who said "I dont want to miss out, you don't get these years back". I agree. You shouldnt feel like ur missing out on anything. Because if you do then maybe you're not doing what really makes you happy, and in that case you aren't just wasting ur college years, you're starting a trend that will result in the wasting of moments of your life. And thats no good. For me, I don't want to miss out on joe, the idea of us drifting apart scares me to death and its thoughts of summer and breaks that get me past that first terror.

I am going to work my ass off this semester to keep my priorities in order. My life will consist of reading, writing, going to class, reflecting on my life, and holding onto the friendships and relationships that define me and make me the best I can be. Thats 5 things (occassionally I'll eat and sleep Im sure) that rank for me.

it can be done.

Slip Slidin' Away

Slip slidin' away
Slip slidin' away
You know the nearer your destination
The more you're slip slidin' away

I know a man
He came from my home town
He wore his passion for his woman
Like a thorny crown
He said Delores
I live in fear
My love for you's so overpowering
I'm afraid that I will disappear

I know a woman
Became a wife
These are the very words she uses
To describe her life
She said a good day
Ain't got no rain
She said a bad day's when I lie in bed
And think of things that might have been

And I know a fa-ther
Who had a son
He longed to tell him all the reasons
For the things he'd done
He came a long way
Just to explain
He kissed his boy as he lay sleeping
Then he turned around and headed home again

God only knows
God makes his plan
The information's unavailable
To the mortal man
We work our jobs
Collect our pay
Believe we're gliding down the highway
When in fact we're slip slidin' away

Slip slidin' away
You know the nearer your destination
The more you're slip slidin' away
Mmm...

--Paul Simon


So here I am. I stare at the clock and watch the time tick by, slowly. So slowly. I'd go out for a walk, but you can only walk so far before you are back were you started. I'm not a partier. Something tells me there is more out there than what I've found. I need more living. I can feel myself dying.

I'm making mistakes. Trying to live and doing it all wrong.

You have to be productive. you want a job.. be productive, you want a course.. be productive.. join, contribute, produce.

I just want to go out and sit under a tree and read.

Im not homesick. I don't want to be home. But i dont want to be here either. This is no escape. I was looking for an escape. im looking in all the wrong places for the things Im lacking.

College seems so high school. Does high school never end? I used to think it was a building.. its not.

I have to go out. Do something. I have to make this better.

Last night was horrible. I don't even know myself.


"there's nothing I could say to make you try to feel ok
and nothing you could do to stop me feeling the way I do."

I miss people. Sean and I need to form another corporation like in disney.

I wish i was making friends.

For all of you who aren't out kissing your roomates, or those of you who still look forward to kissing a future roomate. This one is for you.. from the B LOUNGE BEAUTIES (lounge)!

I Like Being A Woman

I like being a woman, Why?
I can cry
I can hug
I can talk to friends
I can be soft
I can be strong
I can wear my heart on my sleeve.
I can smell pretty
I can sweat
I can take joy in the feeling of cashmere
I can romp around in jeans
I can cook
I can not feel like cooking
I can get teary eyed over a movie
I can defend what is right
I can help others
I can offera hand to a child
I can wear my hair up
I can let it flow loosely in the wind
I can wear long flowing skirts in the summer
I can walk barefoot in the grass
I can paint my nails lovely colors
I can use my hands to fix and mend
I can take pleasure in the richness of lipstick
I can be insecure
I can be most confidant
I can revel in a bubble bath
I can check my own oil
I can take pleasure in feeling feminine
I can take pleasure in feeling masculine
I can exercise my right to vote
I can stand up and make a difference
I can create.

--Ellen M. Dubois

Yes.. that poetry right there was the work of a true genius. Not that I find anything wrong with pride in womanhood.. but come on, in ending this poem she could have just said "i can have babies and men can't". "I can find no reason to like myself so I've decided to like myself for what distinguishes me not as a person, but as a gender." I like being me... but being a woman doesn't really afford me special joys that a man can't counter in his own gender specific way. (Im sure)

I have to go to a meeting, and maybe i wont finish this.. but the point is made.

"man I feel like a woman"