"I don't want to be your regret, I'd rather be your cocoon."

What is it about men and women that make them so strange with one another?

I think sometimes it hurts so bad because I've gotten so comfortable with the notion that I'm completely safe with someone, I'm connected with someone, and that it's all going to be okay. We can hide from the horrors of the world together when they get to be more than our raw hearts can handle- and we can stand up to the injustice we encounter because we know that our connection has made us stronger, more alive, more than just one scared individual trying to figure out in a temporary world why we get up in the morning, and why we hold each other as we fall asleep at night. Because when I am alone it seems to be only a gesture, lacking in any real logic, as if two people clutching one another as they fall 7 stories to their immmenent deaths find comfort in that gesture. It will save neither of them from the fact that they both will die, but at least they aren't alone, they are connected.

Well right now I feel like I'm falling, it happens to be a long fall, but I can see it coming. I'm going to fall in such a way that the friends who notice will be embarrassed by my weakness, but even my own shame doesn't much touch me then. You can't be worried about your hair when you're falling 6 flights.

Not that my whole world is failing. To the contrary things are mostly healthy for me. I'm working hard, I'm mostly appreciated, I'm learning alot, I'm not the best I can be, not even close... but I'm aware of it. I want to be staring into a champagne smile, I want someplace soft to fall. Maybe I should stay in the room this weekend, but if I did that I'd just wallow. And things aren't that bad. I really hate how I'm feeling though. And I dont mean to complain because I know that there are people who have had horrible lives that detest the superficial complaints of others, like me.

The other day, my autobiography teacher said that if it werent for suffering, there wouldnt be any literature. That struck me profoundly.

I really want a hug. I know I'm losing.

If I Ever I Would Leave You

If ever I would leave you
It wouldn't be in summer.
Seeing you in summer I never would go.
Your hair streaked with sun-light,
Your lips red as flame,
Your face witha lustre
that puts gold to shame!

But if I'd ever leave you,
It couldn't be in autumn.
How I'd leave in autumn I never will know.
I've seen how you sparkle
When fall nips the air.
I know you in autumn
And I must be there.

And could I leave you
running merrily through the snow?
Or on a wintry evening
when you catch the fire's glow?

If ever I would leave you,
How could it be in spring-time?
Knowing how in spring I'm bewitched by you so?
Oh, no! not in spring-time!
Summer, winter or fall!
No, never could I leave you at all!

--Camelot

This musical is one of my favorites, partly because of the fun of it all, and partly because of the vanity that completely intoxicated me when I found anything resembling my own odd name somewhere real, somewhere public, somewhere outside me.

I've always thought my name was so special, so different, so beautiful that I hoped I'd look like a Genevieve someday. I don't think I've become what at that young an age I saw myself becoming, no cinderella transformation- but I guess I do feel more like my name is me. I couldnt imagine my name being anything else, and thats usually a good sign.

And I absolutely hate it when my comp apps TA calls my name during roll call. He says everyone's name as if he dreaded our existance, and I just hate it. I'd rather he just call me Purcell if that's the way he's going to be about it. I don't know if I'm alone in feeling this way, or if this means I'm too snooty or whatever, I just hate hearing him say it. Kinda like when special people say it, and I get all extra happy inside, warmer than I usally am. Maybe I'm just crazy.

Anyway, I didnt pick the song for that reason, hehe I sometimes feel like my blog is a space for me to be my own sorta DJ, I spin a song out there and then talk about how it sounds inside my head. Anyway, I picked the song because it' a good one, and because I've spent a lot of seasons with someone special in my life, and they are all more beautiful than the last.

The Stranger Song

It's true that all the men you knew were dealers
who said they were through with dealing
Every time you gave them shelter

I know that kind of man
It's hard to hold the hand of anyone
who is reaching for the sky just to surrender.

And then sweeping up the jokers that he left behind
you find he did not leave you very much
not even laughter

Like any dealer he was watching for the card
that is so high and wild
he'll never need to deal another

He was just some Joseph looking for a manger
He was just some Joseph looking for a manger.

And then leaning on your window sill
he'll say one day you caused his will
to weaken with your love and warmth and shelter

And then taking from his wallet
an old schedule of trains, he'll say

I told you when I came I was a stranger
I told you when I came I was a stranger.

But now another stranger seems to want you to
ignore his dreams as though they were
the burden of some other

O you've seen that man before
his golden arm dispatching cards
but now it's rusted from the elbow to the finger

And he wants to trade the game he plays for shelter
Yes he wants to trade the game he knows for shelter.

You hate to watch another tired man
lay down his hand
like he was giving up the holy game of poker

And while he talks his dreams to sleep
you notice there's a highway
that is curling up like smoke above his shoulder
It's curling up like smoke above his shoulder.

You tell him to come in sit down
but something makes you turn around
The door is open you can't close you shelter

You try the handle of the road
It opens do not be afraid
It's you my love, you who are the stranger
It is you my love, you who are the stranger.

Well, I've been waiting, I was sure
we'd meet between the trains we're waiting for
I think it's time to board another

Please understand, I never had a secret chart
to get me to the heart of this
or any other matter

Well he talks like this
you don't know what he's after
When he speaks like this,
you don't know what he's after.

Let's meet tomorrow if you chose
upon the shore, beneath the bridge
that they are building on some endless river

Then he leaves the platform
for the sleeping car that's warm
You realize, he's only advertising one more shelter

And it comes to you, he never was a stranger
And you say ok the bridge or someplace later.

And then sweeping up the jokers
that he left behind
you find he did not leave you very much
not even laughter

Like any dealer he was watching for the card
that is so high and wild
he'll never need to deal another

He was just some Joseph looking for a manger
He was just some Joseph looking for a manger.

And leaning on your window sill
he'll say one day you caused his will
to weaken with your love and warmth and shelter

And then taking from his wallet
an old schedule of trains
he'll say I told you when I came I was a stranger
I told you when I came I was a stranger.

-leonard cohen

these lyrics to this song capture me sometimes, and i have to listen to the song again and again until finally I can say it's over.