Closer to You

How soft a whisper can get
When you’re walking through a crowded space
I hear every word being said
And I remember that everyday
I get a little bit closer to you

How long an hour can take
When you’re staring into open space
When I feel I’m slipping further away
I remember that everyday
I get a little bit closer to you

These are the days
That I won’t get back
I won’t hear you cry
Or hear you laugh
And when it’s quiet
And I don’t hear a thing
I can always hear you breathe

You know there’s nowhere else
I’ve wanted to be
Than be there when you need me
I’m sorry too
But don’t give up on me
And just remember that when you were asleep
I got a little bit closer to you

--The Wallflowers



I can taste it. The sweet realization. I'm gonna take down the pictures on my wall. Cuz they are only up there now to compensate for my inability to fill a room myself. I think I'm gonna work on that. High fidelity speaks to me. I'm so weak.

I should have eaten dinner.

I've never been good at boys. I dont understand them. How can they love you so much and then vanish.

april 1st -- meet your fool

i could wait up all night, then cry myself to sleep.

but tears don't mean much now. i leak confusion. im so tired.

everyone's got so much shit in their life. i need some shit of my own. but not just anybody's shit.. i want some of my own. premium me-shit. whatever

i like the indigo girls. i like to sing their harmonies. i try and sing the lower line, its kinda tricky cuz their voices blend so well. like two violins.

suddenly realizing my phone was off i rushed to find it to check to see if anyone had called while i had left it on silent.

The Late Show

Everyone I've ever known has wished me well
Anyway that's how it seems, it's hard to tell
Maybe people only ask you how you're doin'
'Cause that's easier than letting on how little they can care
But when you know that you've got a real friend somewhere
Suddenly all the others are so much easier to bear

Now to see things clear, it's hard enough I know
While you're waiting for reality to show
Without dreaming of the perfect love and holding it so far above
If you stumbled on to someone real, you'd never know

(You'd never know)
You could be with somebody who is lonely too
(Sometimes it doesn't show)
He might be trying to get across to you
(Words can be so slow)
When your own emptiness is all that's getting through
There comes a point when you're not sure why you're still talking
I passed that point long ago
(Long ago)

Now I'm so tired of all this circling
And all these glimpses of the end
(You know it's useless to pretend)
That's all the voices say:
"You'll go right on circling
Until you've found some kind of friend"

Well I saw you through the laughter and the noise
You were talking with the soldiers and the boys
While they scuffled for your weary smile
I thought of all the empty miles
And the years I've spent looking for your eyes
(Looking for your eyes)

Now I'm sitting here wondering what to say
(That you might recognize)
Afraid that all these words might scare you away
(And break through the disguise)
No one ever talks about their feelings anyway
Without dressing them in dreams and laughter
I guess it's just too painful otherwise

Look, it's like you're standing in the window
Of a house nobody lives in
And I'm sitting in a car across the way

(Let's just say)
It's an early model Chevrolet
(Let's just say)
It's a warm and windy day
You go and pack your sorrow
Trash man comes tomorrow
Leave it at the curb and we'll just roll away

--jackson browne


how do you define perfect happiness? you know it when you feel it. maybe i've gotten it all wrong somewhere. i thought i was doing something right, i thought I'd figured out just the way to help you. trying not to disappear from a life in which i exist only as a blue nickname or a voice down a long long line.

i'm a thought, a memory, a fantasy, a teddy bear. how to bridge the gap or just save myself from falling too far out of reach. it seemed all too easy a problem to solve. i just take a walk.

a walk through the neighborhood of my youth. a walk from the community i hardly participate in to the community that sent me off not that long ago. all it took was a walk to bridge the gap. a walk that though tiresome, made things possible. Just a little preparation for the next day and the journey is an adventure. and with you always on my mind, it was a good one.

But that life, in which I am only a chalk drawing tucked in beside a hectic desk, is one that hungrily grows more and more despite the slight decrease in my preset meal plan.

I've slowly been coming back, slowly beginning to regain the faith shaken so badly that night. the fear of it all. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. But i know that last night i dreamed it.

if far from me is what you need to be, im getting the message.

im sitting here wondering what i need to say to get you to recognize
me

You Do

You stay the night at his house
with no ride to work
and I'm the one who tells you
he's another jerk
but you're the one who can succeed
you've only got to prove your need--
and you do
you really do

The sex you're trading up for
what you hope is love
is just another thing that
he'll be careless of
but though there are caveats galore

you've only got to love him more--
and you do
you really do
even when it's all too clear

You write a little note that
you leave on the bed
and spend some time dissecting
every word he said
and if he seemed a little strange
well, baby--anyone can change
and you do
you do
you really do

--Aimee Mann


desperately seeking genevieve-

I hate when I write the initials of something I mean to remember, and then I can't remember what they stood for to begin with. I drains me to have to keep up with everything, I just want to take some time out for me.. I guess I'm just tired of people asking me if college is getting better and then feeling obliged to tell them that it is because I care about them. I know they care, but I'm sure I'm not convincing anyone. I always was a bad liar. Not that that ever stopped me.

Its always so crazy to write "that that" ... I mean wow what a great language we got goin here.. sigh

The time is ticking by, and I still havent finished that damn outline. I've been told I over-think things. I worry. I just don't know so many important things. It's scary to be aware of how much I just dont know and how fast I move anyway. I know when I'm reckless and it scares me to think about just how fragile everything around me really is.

I'm looking for faith. I want to know what I am. I've read so much and figured out so much about fictional characters and the societies they represent. I know so little about me. I've been really lucky to have people who care around me. I just never adjusted to losing some of them. I don't really want to adjust.

I'm afraid of losing. I'm afraid of being left alone. I'm tired of having people insinuate that I am godless. It is always done in such a way as to avoid showering me in shame, but that only makes it worse. I don't know what to believe. I don't want to just believe in what I've always been told. I do want the respect I deserve as a good person.

Its a dangerous world and little girls like me get crushed in it every day. I need life to slow down for a minute. I want to remember the little things. This hero misses her little girl.

I'm gonna hold my tongue till I learn to speak.

or at least try real hard.