So Cruel

We crossed the line
Who pushed who over
It doesn't matter to you
It matters to me

We're cut adrift
But still floating
I'm only hanging on
To watch you go down
My love

I disappeared in you
You disappeared from me
I gave you everything you ever wanted
It wasn't what you wanted

The men who love you, you hate the most
They pass right through you like a ghost
They look for you but your spirit is in the air
Baby, you're nowhere

Oh...love...you say in love there are no rules
Oh...love...sweetheart...
You're so cruel

Desperation is a tender trap
It gets you every time
You put your lips to her lips
To stop the lie

Her skin is pale like God's only dove
Screams like an angel for your love
Then she makes you watch her from above
And you need her like a drug

Oh...love...you say in love there are no rules
Oh...love...sweetheart...
You're so cruel

She wears my love like a see-through dress
Her lips say one thing
Her movements something else
Oh love...like a screaming flower
Love...dying every hour...love

You don't know if it's fear or desire
Danger the drug that takes you higher
Head in heaven, fingers in the mire

Her heart is racing, you can't keep up
The night is bleeding like a cut
Between the horses of love and lust
We are trampled underfoot

Oh...love...you say in love there are no rules
Oh...love...sweetheart...
You're so cruel

Oh...love...to stay with you I'd be a fool
Sweetheart...you're so cruel

---U2


That song came on as soon as I hung up the phone. What am I supposed to do. It's not like I have done it before. Thank god I made the right choice though. I might have regretted that a long time.

Let's Not Shit Ourselves (To Love And Be Loved)

The animals laugh from the dark of the wilderness.
A baby cried hard in an apartment complex,
as I pass a car buried under the influence.
The city is driving me out of my mind.

I have seen a child he's caught
in the sad trap of gravity.
He falls from the lowest
branch of the apple tree
and lands in the grass
and weeps for his dignity.
Next time he will not aim so high.
Yeah, next time, neither will I.

A mother takes loans out,
sends her kids off to colleges.
Her family is reduced to names
on a shopping list.
Meanwhile, a coroner kneels
beneath a great, wooden crucifix.
He know that there are worse things
than being alone.
I have learned to retreat
at the first sign of danger.
I mean, why wait around, if it's just to surrender?
Ambition, I have found, can only lead to failure.
I do not read the reviews.
No, I am not singing for you.

I stood dropping a coin into the pit of a well.
And I would throw my whole billfold
if I thought it would help.
With all these wishes I make,
I should by something real,
at least a telephone call home.
My teachers, they built
the retaining wall memory,
all those multiple choices I answered so quickly.
And I got my grades back and forgot just as easily,
but as least I got an A.
So I don't have them to blame.

I should stop pointing fingers;
reserve my judgment of all those
public action figures, the cowboy president.
So loud behind the bullhorn so proud they can't admit
when they have made a mistake.

While poison ink spews from a speechwriter's pen,
he knows that he doesn't have to say it,
so it don't bother him.
"Honesty" "Accuracy" are really just "Popular Opinion."
And the approval rating is high,
so someone is going to die.

ABC, NBC, CBS: Bullshit.
They give us fact or fiction? I guess an even split.
And each new act of war is tonight's entertainment.
We are still the pawns in their game.
As they take an eye for an eye until no one can see,
we must stumble blindly forward, repeating history.

Well, I guess that we all fit into your slogan
on the fast food marquee: Red blooded, White skinned
oh and the Blues.
I got the Blues! I got the Blues! That's me! That's me!

Well, I awoke in relief. My sheets
and tubes were all tangled
weak from whiskey and pills, in a Chicago hospital.
My father was there, in a chair, by the window,
staring so far away.

I tried talking, just whispered, "...so sorry
...so selfish..." He stopped me and said,
"Child I love you regardless and there is
nothing you could do that would ever change this.
I'm not angry. It happens.
You just can't do it again."

So now I try to keep up, I have been
exchanging my currency.
While a million objects
pass through my periphery.
So now I am rubbing my eyes because
they are starting to bother me.
I have been staring too long at the screen.

But where was it when I first heard
the sweet sound of humility?
It came to my ears in the goddamn
loveliest melody. How grateful I was
then to be part of the mystery,
to love and to be loved.
Let's just hope that is enough.

--Bright Eyes


Yeah that song is kool. Thats what lyrics are supposed to look like. Maybe music (in english) hasnt gone down the tubes.

I hope that is enough.

I am not insane. I might be hard to relate to at times, but that is only because the way I look at things is somewhat skewed. I am a huge critic of cheese. Not cheddar or american, but movie, music, and other forms of cheese. I think it has to do with my strong desire to feel. And so when I feel like someone is insincerely representing what they want me to feel, my first reaction is to label it for what it is, and disapprove. Now, 'cheese' is a relative term surely, so some might say (and indeed some have) that I am really a sucker for 'cheese'. They are not wrong, because according to them I appreciate things that they deem cheesy. However, sometimes cheese succeeds at soliciting real feeling from me, and in those circumstances I recognize that the 'cheese' I am enjoying, is no longer 'cheese' at all.
But when I deem something cheese it is usually because i resent its existence and want to mix it with some Kraft macaroni.

Okay so that stupid paragraph on the topic of 'cheese' doesnt really accomplish much. It doesnt convince you that I am not insane, and perhaps even works against me there. =-) But I'm really not crazy.. really.

I am a very emotional person. I always knew that I was. I used to fight it, I used to hide my tears and fight them back, but no longer. Now I cry and I cry hard. I weep for all the things that are wrong in the world and all the things I can't explain. My life seems trivial and yet I have soo many aspects of it that I focus soo much energy on.

Energy...

I have questions that I have always wanted to ask. About bass guitars and waves of sound and light- about how photos are taken and why germans and irish make good combinations- hehe there is just so much that I'd like to understand.

"Your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones
turn into something beautiful
and you know
for you I'd bleed myself dry
for you I'd bleed myself dry"

It's christmas time, and I'm getting you all down.


You are Form 9, Vampire: The Undying.

"And The Vampire was all that remained on
the blood drowned creation. She attempted to
regrow life from the dead. But as she was
about to give the breath of life, she was
consumed in the flame of The Phoenix and the
cycle began again."

Some examples of the Vampire Form are Hades (Greek)
and Isis (Egyptian).
The Vampire is associated with the concept of
death, the number 9, and the element of fire.
Her sign is the eclipsed moon.

As a member of Form 9, you are a very realistic
individual. You may be a little idealistic,
but you are very grounded and down to earth.
You realize that not everything lasts, but you
savor every minute of the good times. While
you may sometimes find yourself lonely, you
have strong ties with people that will never be
broken. Vampires are the best friends to have
because they are sensible.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Oh and the laughs roll in............

Alright so today has been quite an adventure. I stayed up until 4 am this morning on the phone and woke up at 1. From tears and just being tiresome my eyelids drooped.

I got the bus to college ave and made my way to the SAC where I met Stephen and got money for the day. We went to meet up with ali, jay, evan, jon, kerensa, and jamie at the Round Grill and boy was that a good time.

Jamie drove me home from there and we hung out for a bit in my room, much like ali and I had done yesterday afternoon and john and i had done yesterday evening. When jamie left I turned to the philosophy books glaring at me from under my guest entertaining accessories.

Not wanting to do any sort of studying, I called up david and invited him to come over for a few hours and shoot the shit, something I would later feel was a less than responsible idea because of my sudden over-commitment. Not 20 minutes after I get done making plans with david, boris calls.

Boris, my russian, is a commuter and has a math exam tonight 8-11 on livingston and then an 8am philosophy exam with me on college ave tomorrow. So he asks the question of questions... "can i stay over at your place tonight"

I tell him yes, but that I have to double check with my roomate, and so --click-- "hi dear?..."

Upon news that all is good, I start to think about what I want to wear tonight (completely ignoring the final i have to study for) So I get the bright idea to borrow my roomate's jeans. She hasnt been at school since last friday, and figuring she won't be back till thursday (her first final is friday) I put them on. Once again not 20 minutes later there is a knock at the door and Whitney is there.

But upon hearing the knock I dive into the closet and grab all my hangers and hold them in front of me. Having my entire wardrobe shielding me I proceed to get my robe on so that i can change my pants. I change pants as she is bustling around and i get her jeans onto a hanger. But alas, another challenge because her hangers are white and all of mine are multi-colored. SO I wait for her to leave, holding my breath hoping that she wont look for those specific jeans, those jeans that are in my closet at that moment.

So now I have the jeans to get back into the closet, the boy who is taking his sweet time to come over, the boy who wants to come over and sleep over, the boy who isnt happy with me, the boy who i have skillfully and stupidly offended (i didnt explain this one, but it relates to the one before it as well), and the philosophy that is not getting into my head. AND SO

She leaves the room. I run to the door and lock it and dash toward the closet... of course none of her white hangers are free and so i grab the jeans off my bright green hanger and desperately try and fold them over another pair of jeans. As soon as that is accomplished I run toward the door to unlock it before she tries the door and realizes that for some unknown reason, i have locked her out.

Upon her re-arrival all is well, at least where pants are concerned and all of my troubles turn again to the men in my life and the philosophy that is not studying itself.

So now my concern turns back to the main boy, who, because of reasons unknown is alright and fine with boris, and so i let boris know that all is well and set, and I go on to call the boy who i have skillfully and stupidly offended.

I explain that I am an uninformed lunatic who asks for too much, and is terribly sorry for hurting his feelings, because I am a lunatic and because I really didn't mean to hurt him. And being the kool friend he is, he somehow understands and I am grateful to him for that, well, for that and for his friendship.

So I move onto boy who wants to come over and chill but has disappeared and has yet to show up. This boy, when called, is in the shower and even if I wanted to cancel plans to study philosophy... I cannot. So I give up on that situation and begin to give attention where attention is due, no.. not to philosophy, but to the sleeping situation.

I go knocking on all of the doors on my wing and even ask some people I've never talked to before if they have sleeping bags and if they wouldnt mind me borrowing them... but none have one. Beginning to sweat from the idea of having to sleep on my hard floor with nothing, I knock on the last door. Not the last door on my wing, but the last door I knocked on... because once i got a sleeping bag, there was no more reason for knocking.. but I digress.

Lila lent me her sleeping bag and I return to my room comfortable with the way things are working out, although unhappy about the boy who isnt happy with me, and unhappy with the philosophy that will be wiping the floor with me at 8am tomorrow morning.

However before I can completely throw my evening away the boy who wanted to come over and hang out cancelled on me, thus making it possible for a slight chance of studying to arrive.

Sigh... so I tried not to make the story too exciting (this is where i leave off.. cuz this is where i am.. i cant tell u what becomes of boris or boy or boy.. because it hasnt become yet.) because I feared writing another awesome blog and then accidently getting too crafty and deleting the entire thing. I do that waay too often, and so all of my blogs are written at half-skill level... but please... learn a good philosophical lesson from all of this...

boys make life interesting
but they might cause you to fail philosophy

goodnight scouts.

Possum Kingdom

Make up your mind
Decide to walk with me
Around the lake tonight
Around the lake tonight
By my side
By my side
I'm not gonna lie
I'll not be a gentleman
Behind the boathouse
I'll show you my dark secret

I'm not gonna lie
I want you for mine
My blushing bride
My lover, be my lover, yeah...

Don't be afraid
I didn't mean to scare you
So help me, Jesus

I can promise you
You'll stay as beautiful
With dark hair
And soft skin...forever
Forever

Make up your mind
Make up your mind
And I'll promise you
I will treat you well
My sweet angel
So help me, Jesus

Give it up to me
Give it up to me
Do you wanna be
My angel?
So help me!

Be my angel
Be my angel
Do you wanna die?
I promise you
I will treat you well
My sweet angel
So help me, Jesus

Jesus
Jesus
Jesus...
--The Toadies


Ya know when they start calling for jesus, that all hell has broken through. Angels and jesus.. bad combination any day.

I will conquer... I will not divide... I don't have a math final.
I will read, I will write, I will be victorious...

so help me jesus.

Okay so that was the end, but considering I am not done studying and that I'm feeling the need.. here I am.

"Friendship can be a dangerous enemy, a seduction of the mind lying beyond the reach of investigation."
---Confessions by St. Augustine

I just read that on my review sheet... there is this other line in the book that says something like "and I neither wished or needed to read further" or something like that... He found the exact passage he needed to read at the time, and his conversion occurred. That'd be nice.

Sometimes I ask for too much. I know I want the ridiculous. I don't care about the material... I guess it serves as proof of the immaterial, but all I ask is to feel it. Maybe I don't feel it as easily as some people do. Maybe I'm more cynical with my love. I guess enough men have said it when they didnt mean it. I know which ones they were. Of them all only 4 were honest. And only two of those men said they loved me.

I miss my friends...

I don't have to answer to anyone. So if i do, its cuz i value ur opinion of me... but opinions arent that important.

What would James Joyce say to you? He'd probably tell you to fuck off. He's craaazy like that.