Sweet Bleeding Heart

So now its my time
Time given to live
To love and to trust
To bleed and forgive

My heart swells with hope
As I shrink with fear
Of losing the love
Thats now standing here

My heart has a lock
but here is its key
I'll entrust it to you
In you I believe

What promise be made
What act can I do
To make up for hurt
That I have caused you

My eyes burn from tears
I wept long last night
When you walked away
And shut out my light

My friends sympathize
But call me a fool
For breaking the most
Important of rules

My heart has a lock
but here is its key
I'll entrust it to you
In you I believe

Build your trust on truth
Understanding too
Dont hide behind walls
Youve formed around you

Dont say youre sorry
Dont stay in at night
And dream of a prince
Who'll say its alright

Yes, think on your fears
Then put them to rest
Put trust in your love
And be your own best

Oh sweet bleeding heart
Youre wish will come true
You will find the love
Thats hidden for you

My heart has a lock
but here is its key
I'll entrust it to you
In you I believe

ok so I recognize that I need something.. but I dont know what it is.

Im tired of the white noise. Im caught up again. I dont know what it is Im listening so hard for, but I'll know when I hear it. My friends laugh and the music plays but its just more white noise. I had a conversation in the car today that was really good.. a moment, a connection. Every once in awhile I catch, and share a look that carries the same weight.. but those are exclusive to certain people who just know how to look at me. Living in the moment has become nearly impossible for me because I spend each of my moments planning for the next... so that in theory I could live it more fully when it arrived... but I spend that moment preparing for the next, and therein lies the commonplace tragedy. I think Im going to begin my Biddie story again.. I used to write it in my journal.. but it might be more fun here.. then again.. maybe not




all her doubts are someone else' point of view

I'm not in love

I'm not in love
So don't forget
It's just a silly phase I'm going through
And just because I call you up
Don't get me wrong
Don't think hell you've got it made
I'm not in love
Oh no
It's because
I'd like to see you
But then again
It doesn't mean you mean that much to me
So if I call you
Don't make a fuss
Don't tell your friends about the two of us
I'm in love
Oh no
It's because

(Be quiet...big boys don't cry...)

I keep your picture
Upon the wall
It hides a nasty stain that's lying there
So don't you ask me
To give it back
I know you know it doesn't mean that much to me
I'm not in love
No no
It's because

Ooh, you'll wait a long time for me
Ooh, you'll wait a long time
(repeat)

I'm not in love
So don't forget
It's just a silly phase I'm going through
And just because I call you up
Don't get me wrong
Don't think you've got it made
I'm not in love
I'm not in love


hehe.. yep

So yeah today was a mix of good and bad. Classes were long and people were distant. I miss my friends. Im going over katie's house tonight and I talked a good part of the day with kat. Drama just wasnt fun today. Rich was really bothered by just about everything and people were just being stupid. I just want to enjoy everything, and I know thats a lot to ask.. but I look for it anyway.

I got an administrative detention.. I was just kinda disappointed in myself. I deserve the detention.. but I just wish i didnt. It wasnt worth the detention. Lately all the bad things i've done have been more than worth any punishment.. heh so this one just didnt add up.

I dont really feel like thinking ... at least.. not here.. not anymore.

know olive juice my friends.. no matter what

Lately my moments have been pretty full. Drama and school, work and play.. round in circles I go.
I have plenty to do, and a boy to see --hehe who knew all this could be part of me?

So my friends are pulling away in their own different directions.. Im never sure where to go anymore. Its great when everyone is so independent that you want to be everywhere and in the end.. ya end up just where u are.

One place I found myself today was at the menlo mall staring at the koolest looking carebears staring back at me at the card store... I used to love them soo much that when i saw them I almost didnt want to leave. I used to watch the show and think they were sooooooo cute. They were just as cute in the store.. i think i want a shirt with them on it.. that would be kool. They had care bear valentines.. i think i might go back and get them. hehe carebear stare!

It was kool hangin out with jill.. she and I get on really well.. I can be totally straight with her and I know she'll always be on my side.. she's kick ass like that. I dont get to hang with her enough.. but when we do.. we are a lot alike. She is one of my peer friends.. u know.. I dont feel intimidated by her brains or whatnot.. not saying she isnt smart.. cuz she could teach me a thing or two in math and science.. but at the same time she isnt one of those damn honors kids.. so she knows what it feels like to feel left out. woohooo god bless the ones who dont belong anywhere! I love those guys.. but thats just not home.. it cant be.. im just not one of them. oh well..

gnite luvs

i never blog this early.. but when ur day starts off so sucky.. u have to put it somewhere. But i dont have time to put it here.. so i'll hold on to it until later.. grrr

boy i hate people

In this tale, told by an idiot full of sound and fury signifying nothing... i find all the meaning I need.

"We all know that something is eternal. And it ain't houses and it ain't names, and it ain't earth, and it ain't even the stars . . . everybody knows in their bones that something is eternal, and that something has to do with human beings. All the greatest people ever lived have been telling us that for five thousand years and yet you'd be surprised how people are always losing hold of it. There's something way down deep that's eternal about every human being." ----our town


Alot of things are becoming clearer these days. And yet, with each clarification I find another question to ask. =-) Before this was not such a great thing, and I saw these questions as doubts.. but when someone loves you so much...and you love them, these doubts fade. Now, as rose colored as my glasses are right now, and they are quite rosy... I find many things to wonder about. I wonder why singing with the choir makes me feel so good when half the time I dont agree with the homily. I look foward to the homily.. its the priest's chance to appeal to me.. I force myself to go into it with an open mind and heart, and sometimes I am pleasantly impressed with faith.. other times, like tonight... I just wonder why so many people are in the pews.


Family feels good.. I was thinking about divorce today.. and how in psychology the teach stressed how holmes and raye decided that the death of a spouse was the most stressful occassion in a person's life.. and that sounds about right.. but i think divorce should have been higher. Its the hardest thing i have to deal with.

I almost got in 2 accidents today.. I was overtired .. i'll admit it. I've done a lot of driving this weekend.. almost a full tank. last night by the time i got home it was today. =-) Days go so quickly.. Last night those 4 hours flew by. Its amazing.. kat asked me how long its been the other day.. and i said 2 months and she said that she thought it had been much longer. I have to agree -my life has changed so quickly, so suddenly. Good thing i can go with the flow. ;-)

olive juice my friends olive juice