sean said that he probably wasnt emotionally mature enough to be with me. Christina said that he was a jerk for doing this twice and stupid for not appreciating me.

i just feel empty all over again. I told him last night that it wasnt all him, that I made some big mistakes too. I was desperate for someone to care about me so I watered myself down so that he'd find me agreeable and fun and ended up feeling bland and boring to myself and probably to him. He was kind enough not to say that. It doesn't matter though. He said enough. He said that he needed to be alone, that he'd been depressed for a while now. It really sucks to hear someone tell you that they've been depressed for a while because you feel like you weren't .... I feel like I wasn't good enough, smart enough, funny enough, charming enough, attractive enough to make him happy. He even said he liked making me happy, I'm not sure what he meant by that. I'm afraid that he meant that he stayed with me because it made me happy- in which case I'd feel even shittier. I'm gonna just let that comment go.

He wished me luck and told me how proud he was of everything I'd done this year, graduating and all. I told him that that was one thing he had always impressed me with- how genuinely supportive and proud of me he was. It had made me feel really good. I want that again.

So yeah, I just feel shitty and today is jay and eliza osa's parties and I don't want to miss them (i wont miss eliza osa's i just have to find a car) because it's probably my last shot at seeing everyone. I just don't want to see him. I'm an adult- I could handle it. But it'd be easier if I didn't have to. I'm thinking he wont be there. It doesn't make sense for him to go. I dunno, I'm talking out of my ass I have no support for this thinking.

I wish christina was home, and that she was coming with me to the party. Maggie will be there. I've missed her.

I'm on my own again. Facing the uncertainty of whatever future awaits me. I read the first few pages of ovid's metamorphoses last night to calm me down before bed. I read about the creation of the world and the lead up to the flood. It's an oddly comforting thought... the destruction of the world after you've been reduced to rubble.

maybe i'm a laughing stock. i've been told i try too hard. i'm scared to be alone.

sometimes when sailors are sailing they think twice about where they're anchoring
i think i could make better use of my time on land
i drink less because lord knows i could use a warm kiss instead of a cold goodbye

=-(

life sucks




i spoke too soon


again.

I am loving this book.... here is a page or two I am enjoying now......

"Fallin in love, I said. falling into it, we all did then, one way or another. How could he have made such light of it? Sneered even. As if it was trivial for us, a frill, a whim. It was, on the contrary, heavy going. It was the central thing; it was the way you understood yourself; if it never happened to you, not ever, you would be like a mutant, a creature from outer space. Everyone knew that.

Falling in love, we said; I fell for him. We were falling women. We believed in it, this downward motion: so lovely, like flying, and yet at the same time so dire, so extreme, so unlikely. God is love, they once said, but we reversed that, and love, like heaven, was always just around the corner. The more difficult it was to love the particular man beside us, the more we believed in Love, abstract and total. We were waiting, always, for the incarnation. That word, made flesh.

And sometimes it happened, for a time. That kind of love comes and goes and is hard to remember afterwards, like pain. You would look at that man one day and you would think, I loved you, and the tense would be past, and you would be filled with a sense of wonder, because it was such an amazing and precarious and dumb thing to have done; and you would know too why your friends had been evasive about it, at the time.

There is a good deal of comfort, now, in remembering this.

Or sometimes, even when you were still loving, still falling, you'd wake up in the middle of the night, when the moonlight was coming through the window onto his sleeping face, making the shadows in the sockets of his eyes darker and more cavernous than in daytime, and you'd think, Who knows what they say or where they are likely to go? Who can tell what they really are? Under their daily-ness.

Likely you would think at those times: What if he doesn't love me?"

(taken from Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale)

If Work Permits

So the wind that blows across your room
Carried cheap perfume onto your dresser
It rained for jewelry and for credit cards
Two tickets to a film I don't remember
One day you'll kiss your rabbits nose, pick up the phone
To find out I've been turned over
And you'll grab that piece of gold
Only to find that the smell has taken over
Now all the things you had, they aren't the same...
As what you hold

I'm standing in a room,
It's filled with older folks and they're pleading "baby listen"
And I scream as loud as anyone,
But when asked to make a point I tend to whisper
Now highways turn to tidal waves
They're asking me to export all of your insecurities
But that wind that blows across your room
It's gonna set the sails, and send me back to you

Sometimes, when sailors are sailing
They think twice, about where they're anchoring
And I think, I could make better use of my time on land
I'll drink less 'cause lord knows I could use a warm kiss
Instead of a cold goodbye
I'm writing the folks back home to tell them"Hey I'm doing alright"

It's a shame what your father did to your brothers head
He smashed it with a telephone
And your mother got scared and locked the door
You were only four, but lord you remember it
So now you're scared of love
I'm here to tell you loves not some fucking blood on the receiver
Love is speaking in code
It's an inside joke
Love is coming home

Sometimes, when sailors are sailing
They think twice, about where they're anchoring
And I think, I could make better use of my time on land
I'll drink less 'cause lord knows I could use a warm kiss
Instead of a cold goodbye
I'm writing the folks back home to tell them"Hey I'm doing alright"
Yeah I'm doing just fine
And if she seems as lonely as me.....
Let her sink.
Let her sink.
Let her

--The Format

Here I am today. It seems like everyday should begin with those words because everyday begins with that thought. It's a moment of recognition in which I find myself just where I left myself, although the world's continued spinning and lives have begun and ended during my unconsciousness, particularly lives that only exist in my head.

I went into the city yesterday to bring my brother jim some paperwork that he needed in order to keep things moving smoothly with his moving situation. I got myself a good cd, a good book, and an iced coffee and at the very last minute I got dan to drive me to the train station. But oddly enough when I got to the platform, Sarah Quinn was there. As if in a dream, here was a girl I'd known in grammar school and high school but hadnt seen for maybe 6 years. So we sat and talked and she quickly told me that she was returning home to hoboken, where she goes to stevens institute (like suzanne) and that it was in fact her birthday... 22. crazy. So we had a really nice conversation for about an hour about all sorts of things, her trip to spain, my trip to italy, her job anxiety, my unemployment situation, bishop ahr news, her dating world, my dating world, people getting married, and family stuff. It was really nice to talk to her, and to remember how easily we got along in the past.

She got off at her stop, just a few shy of mine own, and I continued my way into the city feeling very comfortable, listening to my cd. I got into the city around 1, and hopped on the 2 uptown one stop to times square. My brother wasnt ready to meet me yet, he needed a half hour longer so I wandered a bit and ended up in Sephora, where I tried out some lip gloss and met a nice girl who worked there. I'm still in italia mode, so I said hi to everyone in the store... people seemed a little surprised and looked at me as if they were supposed to have recognized me. people are funny. Then my bro called, and I went to meet up with him. On the way I heard a couple speaking in italiano to one another. I smiled. "Welcome to MY city", I thought.

Jim and I got a quick bite to eat and talked about the stress of moving in the city. I really liked seeing him, I look upto him. He's done a lot so far in his life, many things that take an amount of courage that I'm not sure if I possess. I'd like to think I do. Either way, I respect him and like having him around. So after lunch we said our goodbyes because he had to get back to the world of the working and I had no plans for a few hours, so I took my book and my music and walked a block to Bryant Park.

It wasnt gorgeous out, it was a little hazy, but since the rain had stopped hours before things were dry so I sat down. The music was really good, and the park was filled with happy people relaxing so I didn't read at first, but just kinda set myself up and chilled. Eventually a woman came over to me and asked if she could sit with me because she didn't like to sit alone and she was new to the park. We had a very pleasant conversation about where she was from, and why I was in the city and Italy and things. Then maybe 20 minutes into the conversation she told me the real reason she was in the park was because she was with 80 students from PA asking people what they thought about god.

I explained to her my upbringing, and how I thought it was important to distinguish between faith in religion and belief in god. I explained that I hadn't found a religion yet that made me feel closer to what I felt god was, but that after I decided I had too many problems with catholicism to be a catholic, I had to re-evaluate the version of god that I considered. So now god to me is not a persona, perhaps not even a creature in the sense that there are individuals, but instead more like a force. I know, thank you star wars, buddhism, etc... But what I mean is that I think that there is something that connects everyone and everything, that permeates through the individual, something that is not defined by the possession of a logical mind. If god was an individual with a mind then we might have a better chance of understanding events, but because I don't believe god is a mind, I dont think there is a logical way of explaining life- not really.

She asked me if I thought I could have a personal relationship with god. I had to think for a moment since it on the surface doesnt mesh with my definition of god. But then I told her that I thought it was possible to personally experience 'god'. In moments of life that are entirely unscripted and raw, the birth of a child, the death of a parent, when making love, during these times we can experience the connectiveness that exists between everything, and how we react in those situations can either bring us closer to living in that existence, or retreat us further from it.

She gave me a bible, and her email address. She asked me if there was something that I wanted her to pray for later when she prayed for me. It was really nice of her. I asked her to just pray for me that things go well for me during this transitional period, and that I get through.

It seemed like a very interesting idea to go around asking people about god. It seems to be a good way to broaden your own ideas, by engaging a dialogue with strangers. I spent a little longer in the park, before meeting my train home. It was a nice afternoon.

I got home, and very shortly afterward Eliza Osa picked me up to take me out for Tai food in Highland Park. We had a great time as usual, she's getting ready to head off to New Orleans to Habitat for Humanity soon. She is having a party saturday which I'm going to try to go to before Jay's party. Her party is at 3, his is at 5. It can work.

Then after some delish tai food Ali g picked me up and we went to Gabe's bar in piscataway with suzanne and sean. I hadnt seen suzanne in such a long time. I was a little nervous that things would be odd. Things weren't odd. We talked about little things and I even mentioned aaron and the world didn't stop so that was nice. Considering we've been together for a little over 4 months I'm hoping soon they'll get to meet him. Suzanne and Ali and I are going to go to the beach on tuesday, so that'll be fun.

whew... that was a lot of news. I'm not used to doing so much, seeing so many people at so many different places. It was a very full day. I had a really good conversation with ali about things. She helped me to understand some important misunderstandings I'd made. She's a good friend.

I could use a warm kiss, instead of a cold goodbye.

The First Single

I can't stand to think about a heart so big it hurts like hell
Oh my god I gave my best but for three whole years to end like this
Well do you want to fall apart? I can't stop if you cant start
Do you want to fall apart?
I could if you can try to fix what I've undone
Cause I hate what I've become

You know me
Or you think you do,
You just don't seem to see
I've been waiting all this time to be
Something I can't define, so let's cause a scene
Clap our hands and stomp our feet
Or something, yeah, something,
I just got to get myself over me

I could stand to do without, all the people I have left behind
What's the point in going around when it's a straight line baby, a straight line down
So let's make a list of who we need and it's not much if anything
Let's make a list of who we need and we'll throw it away
'Cause we don't need anyone, no we don't need anyone

You know me
Or you think you do,
You just don't seem to see
I've been waiting all this time to be
Something I can't define, so let's cause a scene
Clap our hands and stomp our feet
Or something, yeah, something,
I just got to get myself over me
And I hate what I've become.

You know the night life is just not for me
'Cause all you really need are a few good friends
I don't want to go out and be on my own,
You know they started something I can't stand
You leave for the city,
Well count me out
'Cause all this time is wasted on everything I've done

You know me
Or you think you do,
You just don't seem to see
I've been waiting all this time to be
Something I can't define, so let's cause a scene
Clap our hands and stomp our feet
Or something, yeah, something,
I just got to get myself over me

Yeah
Over me
Yeah
Over me

-The Format

I'm going into the city today to deliver some papers to jim during his lunch break. Lunch break in times square... that will be something. I'm bringing the book I need to finish, I figure maybe I'll hang out in the city for a little before coming home, read a little.. got nothing much else to do really. Maybe I'll find some magic in strawberry fields. Haven't been there in a year.

Later I'm having dinner with Eliza Osa at a Tai place in highland park, and then meeting up with sean and ally and maybe ali and suzanne to get drinks at gabrielle's bar. I havent seen suzanne in a long time. She hasnt returned any of my calls. Maybe tonight will be interesting as well.

I'd just like my friends back. I'm not looking to be a jerk about anything, I'd just like to know that these people aren't gone forever. It seriously pisses me off sometime, but tonight I'm going to be good and work at it, but its just a hard pill to swallow.

by the way, this awesome song comes my way thanks to maggie's italiano gen mix... track one
love that girl. =-)

Here We Go

You've gotta hope
That there's someone for you
Strange as you are
Who can cope
With the things that you do
Without trying too hard
'Cause you can bend the truth
Till it's suiting you
These things that you're wrapping all around you
Never know what they will amount to
If you're life is just going on without you
It's the end of the things you know
Here we go

You've gotta know
That there's more to this world
Than what you have seen
'Cause we all
Have a limited view
Of what it can be
As we move along
With our blinders on
Each one of us feels a little stranded
And you can't explain or understand it
Each one of us is on a different planet
Amidst all the to and fro
Someone can say hello
Here we go

Feeling that someone really gets you
Well it's something that no one should object to
It could happen today so I suggest you
Skip your habbit of laying low
It's the end of the things you know
Here we go
Someone can say hello
You old so and so
Here we go

--jon brion

back and forth, up and down, in and out. everyday is not a continuation but a single step in a dance that I don't know. (if you know the song, you'll know that its time signature is a waltz)

things begin.. things decay ... and you've got to find a way to be okay.
but if you want to spend the day wondering what it's all about
go and knock yourself out.

(a sign that i should get out of bed and do something)

i hope sean calls me back soon.

Running on Empty

Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels
Looking back at the years gone by like so many summer fields
In sixty-five I was seventeen and running up 101
I dont know where Im running now, Im just running on

Running on - running on empty
Running on - running blind
Running on - running into the sun
But Im running behind

Gotta do what you can just to keep your love alive
Trying not to confuse it with what you do to survive
In sixty-nine I was twenty-one and I called the road my own
I dont know when that road turned onto the road Im on

Running on - running on empty
Running on - running blind
Running on - running into the sun
But Im running behind

Everyone I know, everywhere I go
People need some reason to believe
I dont know about anyone but me
If it takes all night, thatll be all right
If I can get you to smile before I leave

Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels
I dont know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels
I look around for the friends that I used to turn to to pull me through
Looking into their eyes I see them running too

Running on - running on empty
Running on - running blind
Running on - running into the sun
But Im running behind

Honey you really tempt me
You know the way you look so kind
Id love to stick around but Im running behind
You know I dont even know what Im hoping to find
Running into the sun but Im running behind

-jackson browne

For the first time in a while I feel good. Italy was really good for me, its like the line from zoolander, when Hansel says he's been scuba diving with spider monkeys and trippin on acid and how that's changed his whole perspective on shit.... italy and the wild boars under the tuscan sun, were my spider monkeys and acid trips. For the first time in a whle I feel young and at the beginning of a life filled with possibility and promise. I've met women at all different moments in their lives, and heard their stories, spent some time thinking about the challenges that they have had to face, and I feel like for the first time, that I'm going to be ok.




For the first time in a while I realize that not getting into grad school was good for me. I realized that what I was most afraid of was not losing a dream, but having to face the uncertainty that comes with not having a clear plan for the immediate future. I've learned to appreciate the sun showers that wait for me every morning outside my window, and the long walks that make me feel capable of getting places without a car, of my own power. It seems silly to think about how good it felt to walk to dunkin donuts this morning for an iced coffee, but I really felt good because I knew that I was strong enough to do it on my own, of my own power, taking my own path. I felt like I was sharing a secret with myself. And for the first time in a long time, I was by myself and didn't feel alone.





As much as I'm excited about getting a job, I'm not scared. Life is going to work out, and it will take time because good things take time. I'm learning to be more open minded about the kind of life that is open to me.





Today I ordered a bicycle online, I'm very excited for it to get here, so I can go farther and see more things. =-)