sean said that he probably wasnt emotionally mature enough to be with me. Christina said that he was a jerk for doing this twice and stupid for not appreciating me.

i just feel empty all over again. I told him last night that it wasnt all him, that I made some big mistakes too. I was desperate for someone to care about me so I watered myself down so that he'd find me agreeable and fun and ended up feeling bland and boring to myself and probably to him. He was kind enough not to say that. It doesn't matter though. He said enough. He said that he needed to be alone, that he'd been depressed for a while now. It really sucks to hear someone tell you that they've been depressed for a while because you feel like you weren't .... I feel like I wasn't good enough, smart enough, funny enough, charming enough, attractive enough to make him happy. He even said he liked making me happy, I'm not sure what he meant by that. I'm afraid that he meant that he stayed with me because it made me happy- in which case I'd feel even shittier. I'm gonna just let that comment go.

He wished me luck and told me how proud he was of everything I'd done this year, graduating and all. I told him that that was one thing he had always impressed me with- how genuinely supportive and proud of me he was. It had made me feel really good. I want that again.

So yeah, I just feel shitty and today is jay and eliza osa's parties and I don't want to miss them (i wont miss eliza osa's i just have to find a car) because it's probably my last shot at seeing everyone. I just don't want to see him. I'm an adult- I could handle it. But it'd be easier if I didn't have to. I'm thinking he wont be there. It doesn't make sense for him to go. I dunno, I'm talking out of my ass I have no support for this thinking.

I wish christina was home, and that she was coming with me to the party. Maggie will be there. I've missed her.

I'm on my own again. Facing the uncertainty of whatever future awaits me. I read the first few pages of ovid's metamorphoses last night to calm me down before bed. I read about the creation of the world and the lead up to the flood. It's an oddly comforting thought... the destruction of the world after you've been reduced to rubble.

maybe i'm a laughing stock. i've been told i try too hard. i'm scared to be alone.

sometimes when sailors are sailing they think twice about where they're anchoring
i think i could make better use of my time on land
i drink less because lord knows i could use a warm kiss instead of a cold goodbye

=-(