If Work Permits

So the wind that blows across your room
Carried cheap perfume onto your dresser
It rained for jewelry and for credit cards
Two tickets to a film I don't remember
One day you'll kiss your rabbits nose, pick up the phone
To find out I've been turned over
And you'll grab that piece of gold
Only to find that the smell has taken over
Now all the things you had, they aren't the same...
As what you hold

I'm standing in a room,
It's filled with older folks and they're pleading "baby listen"
And I scream as loud as anyone,
But when asked to make a point I tend to whisper
Now highways turn to tidal waves
They're asking me to export all of your insecurities
But that wind that blows across your room
It's gonna set the sails, and send me back to you

Sometimes, when sailors are sailing
They think twice, about where they're anchoring
And I think, I could make better use of my time on land
I'll drink less 'cause lord knows I could use a warm kiss
Instead of a cold goodbye
I'm writing the folks back home to tell them"Hey I'm doing alright"

It's a shame what your father did to your brothers head
He smashed it with a telephone
And your mother got scared and locked the door
You were only four, but lord you remember it
So now you're scared of love
I'm here to tell you loves not some fucking blood on the receiver
Love is speaking in code
It's an inside joke
Love is coming home

Sometimes, when sailors are sailing
They think twice, about where they're anchoring
And I think, I could make better use of my time on land
I'll drink less 'cause lord knows I could use a warm kiss
Instead of a cold goodbye
I'm writing the folks back home to tell them"Hey I'm doing alright"
Yeah I'm doing just fine
And if she seems as lonely as me.....
Let her sink.
Let her sink.
Let her

--The Format

Here I am today. It seems like everyday should begin with those words because everyday begins with that thought. It's a moment of recognition in which I find myself just where I left myself, although the world's continued spinning and lives have begun and ended during my unconsciousness, particularly lives that only exist in my head.

I went into the city yesterday to bring my brother jim some paperwork that he needed in order to keep things moving smoothly with his moving situation. I got myself a good cd, a good book, and an iced coffee and at the very last minute I got dan to drive me to the train station. But oddly enough when I got to the platform, Sarah Quinn was there. As if in a dream, here was a girl I'd known in grammar school and high school but hadnt seen for maybe 6 years. So we sat and talked and she quickly told me that she was returning home to hoboken, where she goes to stevens institute (like suzanne) and that it was in fact her birthday... 22. crazy. So we had a really nice conversation for about an hour about all sorts of things, her trip to spain, my trip to italy, her job anxiety, my unemployment situation, bishop ahr news, her dating world, my dating world, people getting married, and family stuff. It was really nice to talk to her, and to remember how easily we got along in the past.

She got off at her stop, just a few shy of mine own, and I continued my way into the city feeling very comfortable, listening to my cd. I got into the city around 1, and hopped on the 2 uptown one stop to times square. My brother wasnt ready to meet me yet, he needed a half hour longer so I wandered a bit and ended up in Sephora, where I tried out some lip gloss and met a nice girl who worked there. I'm still in italia mode, so I said hi to everyone in the store... people seemed a little surprised and looked at me as if they were supposed to have recognized me. people are funny. Then my bro called, and I went to meet up with him. On the way I heard a couple speaking in italiano to one another. I smiled. "Welcome to MY city", I thought.

Jim and I got a quick bite to eat and talked about the stress of moving in the city. I really liked seeing him, I look upto him. He's done a lot so far in his life, many things that take an amount of courage that I'm not sure if I possess. I'd like to think I do. Either way, I respect him and like having him around. So after lunch we said our goodbyes because he had to get back to the world of the working and I had no plans for a few hours, so I took my book and my music and walked a block to Bryant Park.

It wasnt gorgeous out, it was a little hazy, but since the rain had stopped hours before things were dry so I sat down. The music was really good, and the park was filled with happy people relaxing so I didn't read at first, but just kinda set myself up and chilled. Eventually a woman came over to me and asked if she could sit with me because she didn't like to sit alone and she was new to the park. We had a very pleasant conversation about where she was from, and why I was in the city and Italy and things. Then maybe 20 minutes into the conversation she told me the real reason she was in the park was because she was with 80 students from PA asking people what they thought about god.

I explained to her my upbringing, and how I thought it was important to distinguish between faith in religion and belief in god. I explained that I hadn't found a religion yet that made me feel closer to what I felt god was, but that after I decided I had too many problems with catholicism to be a catholic, I had to re-evaluate the version of god that I considered. So now god to me is not a persona, perhaps not even a creature in the sense that there are individuals, but instead more like a force. I know, thank you star wars, buddhism, etc... But what I mean is that I think that there is something that connects everyone and everything, that permeates through the individual, something that is not defined by the possession of a logical mind. If god was an individual with a mind then we might have a better chance of understanding events, but because I don't believe god is a mind, I dont think there is a logical way of explaining life- not really.

She asked me if I thought I could have a personal relationship with god. I had to think for a moment since it on the surface doesnt mesh with my definition of god. But then I told her that I thought it was possible to personally experience 'god'. In moments of life that are entirely unscripted and raw, the birth of a child, the death of a parent, when making love, during these times we can experience the connectiveness that exists between everything, and how we react in those situations can either bring us closer to living in that existence, or retreat us further from it.

She gave me a bible, and her email address. She asked me if there was something that I wanted her to pray for later when she prayed for me. It was really nice of her. I asked her to just pray for me that things go well for me during this transitional period, and that I get through.

It seemed like a very interesting idea to go around asking people about god. It seems to be a good way to broaden your own ideas, by engaging a dialogue with strangers. I spent a little longer in the park, before meeting my train home. It was a nice afternoon.

I got home, and very shortly afterward Eliza Osa picked me up to take me out for Tai food in Highland Park. We had a great time as usual, she's getting ready to head off to New Orleans to Habitat for Humanity soon. She is having a party saturday which I'm going to try to go to before Jay's party. Her party is at 3, his is at 5. It can work.

Then after some delish tai food Ali g picked me up and we went to Gabe's bar in piscataway with suzanne and sean. I hadnt seen suzanne in such a long time. I was a little nervous that things would be odd. Things weren't odd. We talked about little things and I even mentioned aaron and the world didn't stop so that was nice. Considering we've been together for a little over 4 months I'm hoping soon they'll get to meet him. Suzanne and Ali and I are going to go to the beach on tuesday, so that'll be fun.

whew... that was a lot of news. I'm not used to doing so much, seeing so many people at so many different places. It was a very full day. I had a really good conversation with ali about things. She helped me to understand some important misunderstandings I'd made. She's a good friend.

I could use a warm kiss, instead of a cold goodbye.