Dead End

Hold on!
there's a hole in my heart
everyone can see right through me
it goes all the way to the waves
where my love she tried to wash it away

see she breaks for the summers
so she can find lovers
she treats them like a bottle of wine
they make you dinner and they sing you to sleep
but by the morning find the bottle is empty

'cause she never gives it the time
every bottle she finds
they don't compare to the ones she left behind
there is never a note
so she waits for me to come back home

I'm looking for a dead end song
you wish that smoke could change its color
I love it when you talk so much
and act like nothing went wrong

I'm looking for a dead end song
while we sit and find flaws in everyone
I want to keep you by my side
holding off tidal waves

"mint car" is keeping us warm
she lays crossed upon the bed
we are puzzles making shapes with our hands
I take my finger, turn into a pen
then i run my hand down your spine
you guess i wrote something profound
something like: "our love will last 'til we die"
I say "you're good at this game"
but what I really wrote is how
"I've yet to be saved"

--the format

So this entry actually reflects the chronology of my thought chain. In a very short time danny and I will be heading to north jersey to spend the evening with my dad before starting off on our venture north. Then when we get back it will be just me against the intrusive sociopaths.

My haircolor has already started to fade, it wont be very long at all before I'm back to where I was before.

Everyone is leaving. Between going back to college or moving away to go to graduate school most everybody I know is starting something big. Everyone tells me I'm doing fine and that they aren't worried. I'm honestly not as worried as I should be, but I am pretty depressed. It doesn't take much to make me smile, to make me happy. But these little things don't make up for the general feeling of anxiety that fills their place during the rest of the day.

This blog was written and sat on my computer screen for a little over a day and so it is not from august 24th, but from the 23rd. Also, it is published despite the fact that it is incomplete.

Mom, Rod, and Josh are still in Australia, and this weekend I bring danny up to vermont to return him to that place of which he has grown so fond. Originally Jim was going to be going up with me but he has to work this weekend. It's a bummer since it would have been a good time with the two of them, but I'm sure Dan won' t be dropping out of school and that we'll have another opportunity.

Last night I had a terrible nights rest. I probably watched too many L&O SVUs. I kept thinking that at any moment my slumber would be interrupted by some interrupting sociopath. When I went upstairs to bed I thought I heard a noise downstairs and that was enough for me. After a failed attempt to move my bookshelf in front of my door (haha) I decided to sleep downstairs on the couch- although I would be closer to my intruders entrance, I would also be closer to an exit. I'm not much of a fighter. That said- I took a big butcher knife and put it down on the ottoman next to my head. Even then, unfortunately I was still spooked and decided to watch some more tv. Eventually I grew incredibly exhausted and realized it was 3am. I shut off the tv, but left the light on. But then I couldnt sleep because of the light. Do you think I shut off the light? NO. I dimmed it. I woke up at 6am and decided it was safe enough for me to go upstairs to finish my sleep, that I had successfully passed through that dangerous night. My bed felt so nice. I don't like sleeping in the house alone. I've managed to get inside too many times without my key to feel absolutely comfortable.

So that was my night. Right now I'm hiding out in my room while maria cleans the already cleaned house. There really is no need for a cleaning lady when the 5 people who usually live in a house are reduced to 1, sometimes 2. (aside from the keg, there is really no sign that there was a party anymore)

I was just thinking about where I'd rather be right now. I think I'd like to be in a cabin in the woods. No tv, no dunkin donuts, no maria (sorry maria), no cell phone reception, and perhaps even limited-to no internet. (okay I realize that I just got finished detailing the terrible night of paranoia that I experienced in a friendly suburb where the police could be summoned at any time of day or night and firemen and all sorts of heroic persons are on call to make sure I'm safe--- AND that I just expressed a desire to be as far away from that as possible. I suppose it is a common conflicted contradiction: to want freedom and independence, but also security.

Perhaps Aunt Carol is right, maybe I should get a gun. Hmm when do people lose the benefit of the doubt that I give to children? When do I take that away from them, without even realizing that I've done it? When do I presume them demented and dangerous? I think Freud wrote about this somewhat in his the work he did in his second of 3 Theories on Sexuality, entitled "Infantile Sexuality". Freud talks about how society not only presumes, but demands the innocence of children (and by 'innocence' I am using a milder word for what Freud probably would have called a presumed "asexuality" among children).

Freud blames propriety for this assumption, and also the amnesia of childhood that inhibits the solid memory recollection of life up to 7 years old. He brings up a good point when he questions why more people aren't curious, or actively curious about this forgotten period of life. As memory is one of those nagging interests of mine, I must wonder about this period of life when so much learning goes on and yet so much is lost. Yes I suppose Piaget and those fellas did their part to understand the young mind as it develops and becomes more capable and less limited, but what are the consequences of that sort of development on the long-term? Because I was once not capable, what do I think of those who are now not capable? What do I think of myself? I learned last night that the human baby has the least developed brain when born, compared to all other primates because the head has to be small enough to pass through the birth canal, and so human babies are the most helpless of all primates. It raises some interetsing questions about what it means to be human, and to be a child.