Hallelujah

I heard there was a secret chord
that david played and it pleased the lord
but you don't really care for music, do you

well it goes like this the fourth, the fifth
the minor fall and the major lift
the baffled king composing hallelujah

hallelujah hallelujah
hallelujah hallelujah

well your faith was strong but you needed proof
you saw her bathing on the roof
her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
she tied you to her kitchen chair
she broke your throne and she cut your hair
and from your lips she drew the hallelujah

hallelujah hallelujah
hallelujah hallelujah

well baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor
you know, I used to live alone before I knew you
and I've seen your flag on the marble arch
but love is not a victory march
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

hallelujah hallelujah
hallelujah hallelujah

well there was a time when you let me know
what's really going on below
but now you never show that to me do you
but remember when I moved in you
and the holy dove was moving too
and every breath we drew was hallelujah

hallelujah hallelujah
hallelujah hallelujah

well, maybe there's a god above
but all I've ever learned from love
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
and it's not a cry that you hear at night
it's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

hallelujah hallelujah
hallelujah hallelujah
hallelujah hallelujah
hallelujah hallelujah
hallelujah hallelujah
hallelujah hallelujah
hallelujah

--written by leonard cohen, but in my opinion perfected by jeff buckley

I am looking around at all of the memories, and as I clean out my room I notice that so many of the things I surround myself with I just don't need anymore. So I'm torn between throwing things out and holding onto them. I have to re-evaluate the conditions of my personal life, and cleaning out my closet and under the bed is a very psychologically cathartic experience for me.

One of the things I love about reading and books, is the feeling that I am living in two worlds at once. I am living within mine own, and the world created in my mind by the book. It is not the world of the author, but the world that is created through my own personal experience of the book. It makes me realize how much of my world exists only within my mind. I have my own ideas about what Russia is, how it should look. Most of these impressions come from somewhere that I couldn't pin point. Sometimes that fact just amazes me.

The walls of my room are not walls. At least, they are painted not to look like walls. They are painted to look like the sky, with clouds. I painted the windowsills, door frames, borders... everything. Lately I've been spending more time in my room and thinking about painting it. At this point I feel kinda like I should be able to accept the walls for what they are, appreciate them for being walls, and the sky for being the sky. After all, they are walls, and not the sky. The arrangement of clouds doesnt change, it's just a cheap replication of something beautiful.

Four years ago today was senior prom. This weekend is christina's party and my party. I've been doing a lot of work around the house to get ready for it. Not enough, but a good bit. Right now I'm taking a long break to think about somethings that I havent really wanted to think about. I don't usually think of myself as being anymore selfish than the next person, but lately I've been screwing up. I dyed my hair brown. I like the way it looks. It's like coming home after an awesome vacation. It takes some getting used to, and then it feels like you've never left. My ears are peirced again, after 8 years. Oh and as of this morning I only had .57 cents to my name. I have to find those checks today.

I talked to joe yesterday. It didn't go very well. We were lucky to have known one another. But I have a feeling that I won't see him again for a while. I've been a jerk to him I think. When we talk I enjoy discussing the classics and all the books that he's finally got around to reading that I really loved. But I don't think it's fair to talk to him about those things, to enjoy those conversations so much especially if after we hang out he has bad feelings about it. I don't really want to say goodbye I guess. It would have been 4.5 years today. Our relationship has changed a lot since 6 months ago. We've said goodbye many times. I've made a lot of mistakes handling this, but aside from christina's help I've felt largely on my own. My friends disappeared because, as I am led to believe, they felt like I didn't need them. I'd like to figure out why they did this to me, whether I myself led them to this conclusion through my frequent attempts at optimism or what. Maybe I was trying too hard to be strong on my own, that they were offended. Maybe they just don't know me as well as I thought they did.

I talked to ali about this last night. She didn't have much to say. Sean and I have talked about it on the phone for a little bit, but I don't know when I'll be able to see him. He doesn't have the time. He has time for joe. Its just very sad to me. I don't know about suzanne. We talked a couple months back online, updated each other on what big plans we were making. I told her how special I think our relationship is, that we can go months with being busy and then get together and everything falls back into place. Like sisters. But I guess I'm just wondering where she's been. Why she can be there for joe, and not me. Maybe I havent made enough of an effort to ask for her help, but I've been doing the best I can.

I have been happy lately. I have found good people to surround myself with, people who like me and care about me. I've found a guy who makes time for me, breaks laws for me, and sits through 5 hour graduations for me. He even told me he was proud of me at graduation. It made me feel really good. In short, I like him. And I've made a good good friend in maggie. She and I have so much in common, like suzanne and I. Even though we have different interests, at our core we react the same way and have very similar needs from the world. She's been very good company to me, encouraging me to be happy and appreciative of the hard semester I've had. She and Christina get along great, it's pretty funny. Christina has been wonderful to me always, she is just a beautiful warm person. I miss having her so close, I really have come to associate feelings of home with her. I don't think we ever had a fight, though I'm sure I've annoyed her and pushed the bounds of what a roomate should have to put up with. She just has the nature of someone who cherishes her friends, and I've been very fortunate to be so well cherished. I can only hope that I've been the kind of friend to her that she has been to me. Though that would be hard to imagine.

So this has been a pretty long entry. I just had so many things on my mind. A life to look in the face and make sense of, the sadness of absent friends, the joy and fortune of finding good friends nearby, the sweet possibilities of a tender friendship, and the word goodbye and all that it means. I just have a lot on my mind.

Leaving for Italy june 6th. Don't be a stranger.