I just deleted the post I put up.

My own hyper-sensitivity got the best of me for a few minutes and I essentially blogged about nothing. And with so much going on these days- blogs about nothing just don't help that much.

I'm excited about tonight, seeing Sean's band play. Last night was a pretty awesome time as well, Matt and I went rock climbing, bouldering I believe is the correct term. I ache all over even in my arm pits. Who knew?

I've decided I want to marry steve carell. He is married so I don't think that'll be happening anytime soon. But you know, that's okay I'm not really in a hurry myself.

So far several people have tried to 'save me' lately. I think I must have that look to me. You know, the look that says I enjoy sex too much, or maybe that I don't go to church anymore, or that the whole time I was there I was scoping out hotties on the communion line anyway.

haha. i hate it when people preach at me.

Dead End

Hold on, there's a hole in my heart
everyone can see right through me
it goes all the way to the waves
where my love she tried to wash it away

see she breaks for the summers
so she can find lovers
she treats them like a bottle of wine
they make you dinner and they sing you to sleep
but by the morning find the bottle is empty

'cause she never gives it the time
every bottle she finds they don't compare
to the ones she left behind
there is never a note
so she waits for me to come back home

I'm looking for a dead end song
you wish that smoke could change its color
I love it when you talk so much
and act like nothing went wrong

I'm looking for a dead end song
while we sit and find flaws in everyone
I want to keep you by my side
holding off tidal waves

"mint car" is keeping us warm
she lays crossed upon the bed
we are puzzles making shapes with our hands
I take my finger, turn into a pen

then I run my hand down your spine
you guess I wrote something profound something like:
"our love will last 'til we die"
I say "you're good at this game"
but what I really wrote is "how I've yet to be saved"

--The Format


Last night I wrote a blog but didn't publish it. I wrote it intending it to be a 'draft' although it felt pretty complete to me. I just needed to put the truth about how things have been going for me someplace in some linear way and think it all through. Honestly I didn't come up with any answers for what I should do.

And so it's done. hahahahahahahahahhahahaha even I am laughing at myself now. How many times can you delete someone before they cease to exist? Apparently there are many places to erase a person, some harder than others.

-facebook friend
-cell phone number
-home phone number
-screen name
-emails
-photos
-memories
-dreams

So yeah, we decided we weren't friends and that we weren't going to make trouble for maggie on friday. I don't know why people are so worried about me and this. I guess I've given people the impression that I'm incapable of being an adult. I don't know when I did that though.

OK venting time:

apparently the reason I didnt get any reply for the texts I sent him the week we broke up, was because they were different than the kinds of texts his other friends send him. My bad, for being different. He was uncomfortable because the week we broke up I acted as if I was more than just a regular friend? I couldn't pretend that he meant the same as any other friend, and that made him uncomfortable and so I got no reply. I didn't say anything mean, granted I wasn't telling jokes either, but I was real and that was too much.

I would love to meet someone capable of meeting my eye, holding his own end of a conversation, and emotionally courageous enough to be real. Someone is gonna press charges if anymore men walk out my door on crutches.

I am frustrated with this. Please don't crucify me for being honest.