so since you want to be with me
you'll have to follow through
with every word you say.
And I, all I really want is you
you to stick around, I see you everyday
but you have to follow through.

my mother hates me. i used to think she was just cranky but now i'm starting to think that maybe she never wanted me, or she wanted a girl real bad and now she's just terribly disappointed with the one she got saddled with. Or maybe she hates herself for becoming her own mother, and she takes it out on me cuz she doesn't know what else to do. Or maybe she just feels unappreciated. Or maybe she just hates me. it really hurts.

and u. well i miss the way you used to smile at me.

Now I never meant to do you wrong
thats what I came here to say
but if I was wrong then I'm sorry
but don't let it stand in our way

Cuz my head just aches when I think of
the things that I shouldnt have done
but life is for living we all know
and I don't want to live it alone

i always say im not gonna apologize again, and then i do. i just don't like it like this. i want you back.

"yeah well if i died, you'd care then."

the saddest comeback to ever be whispered into the rain.

Now I never meant to do you wrong
thats what I came here to say
but if I was wrong then I'm sorry
but don't let it stand in our way

Cuz my head just aches when I think of
the things that I shouldnt have done
but life is for living we all know
and I don't want to live it alone

Sing ah, sing ah, and you sing ah

--coldplay

i think about the person i've become. the woman, the student, the daughter, the sister. I think about all the people I've missed so much this year. About the faces I used to see everyday and about the violent reality that it could be a long time before I get to see them again.

i think about the new people i've met and how the person here I'm closest to shares only one meaningful thing in common with me- she is lost in transition.

i think about rutgers and now the word to me says 'ocean'. some of it is beautiful. some of it just isnt the same without everyone running around. i think about the train station scene in Funny Girl and how often I feel as if I am crossing at just the right moment for whoever is watching to be impressed by the power of mass motion- life.

i think about god and about the deists. i still haven't found what i'm looking for.

i really think that the old saying is wrong. life is fair. what isnt fair is that we can never seem to understand it.

Is it any wonder I found peace.
Through you.

there are so many things in my head on sunday nights. so many questions that hurt me. nothing is fair on sunday night. when everything i want is taken away and i have to adjust back into the cold dorm room that is unsympathetic to me in my time of illness. oh to be a saddleman-cattleman-kettleman-metalman.

lala lala lala la

i had a nice weekend. my baby took care of me. i love him lots. someday i will make him the most wonderful card in the world and he will know that they are peeps when he sees them. =-) i aspire to glorious hights.

i am well loved.


whats the one thing u can never buy more of?