(part of) Sunshine

they fall in love with the girl they perceive, not you.
they see what they want in you
they get what they need from you
they take advantage of you
they would be nothing without you, without you.

so blind them with kindness until they are reminded
the further you go the deeper you die

--samiam


What happens to me I make for myself. I just want the happiness again. But I won't let that happen. Maybe I will now, but not lately. Lately I've been in a horrible mood.

So you say I'm arrogant. That hurts. From someone I only want to please. I get good grades, I'm a good person, and you say you're proud of me, but you also say that I'm only 19 and that my judgement is all wrong. What more can I do? I'm young, and I'm in love... but give me some time and I'll be sure to drive him away. Then we can all go back to the way we were. Back when you were the only person who loved me and I was an 'individual'.

The snow is a symbol of the control I just don't have. But I do have control. I can drive all of the happiness out of my life. Just give me a week. Oh it hurts to think I am such a fool.

I am so insecure and those insecurities are ruining my life. There are things that make me uncomfortable, but from now on I'm going to be the best me I can be. I know I can. I really want to make things better.

I know I can be someone worthy of love, and I also know that I can be someone worthy of nothing. I have been that second person this week and I will have to work hard to fix that.
But I'm not going to loose this one, not to anyone, especially not to me.

The girl who can't love cries herself to sleep.
She'll never understand why it's cold so deep inside.
But she's never seen the way a mother holds its baby duck
and cuddles it, and nurses it, and smacks it when its bad.

He said he was in love
but he didn't understand
he said it felt so nice
just to hold her hand

but now he's come to see
he wants nothing more of love
and all its repugnancy
he'll have nothing more of her
and her foolish ways

I hate myself and I want to die.

There is something about just knowing that you could never kill yourself, that makes you wish you could.
I'd like to have control over something, and since that isn't panning out. But I'm making light of something
that isn't very light.

Why should I waste my time? I have papers to write.

I would like to think that my friends are going to come home for christmas break and that everything will
change. That I'll have people who will understand me (other than joe) and that I won't feel this way.

I dont want to pity myself anymore. I'd just like to end things.

Awoken

I've done all your dirty laundry
and I've faced the naked truth
We've killed the day together
and known what the night looks like
and now that it's ended
all that was left to know
was that for all the doubt
in this cynical world,
I couldn't run out on our love

--

Boys Don't Cry

I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I've said too much
Been too unkind

I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try and
Laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

I would break down at your feet
And beg forgiveness
Plead with you
But I know that
It's too late
And now there's nothing I can do

So I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to
laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry

I would tell you
That I loved you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it's no use
That you've already
Gone away

Misjudged your limits
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
I thought that you needed me more

Now I would do most anything
To get you back by my side
But I just
Keep on laughing
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

--The Cure


Writing seems like such a fated profession.
What is it I really want to do with my life anyway?

Do I want to teach people to write? To read? I always thought it'd be kool to teach people to think, and to be honest, I found that the only people who ever did that in school, were the english teachers. Science and math seemed to know all of the answers, they were just waiting for you to get them wrong and then to show you the way you should have found them, and history was only good for thinking for a little while, and it seemed that it was just one big blame-game, and those aren't much fun after a while. I don't remember what other subjects there were, religion, spanish, whatever, they didn't mean anything.

So that leaves english, and if you had r wicke or bilby, then you know what I mean. There was just something about them that made it exciting. Most of my teachers seemed educated, but these english teachers seemed brilliant. The material helps, having great stuff and knowing what to do with it is like having cocoa and milk and sugar and then knowing how to make chocolate bars.

I've been told that my analogies aren't the best, or even are close to the worst, but thats half my fault and half not. Sure, I'm not wonderful with analogies, but star wars only covers so many topics. (right now half my friends are shaking their heads 'no')

So I've decided that I want a hobby. But what should it be? I like to draw, though I'm not talented. I thought maybe I could draw black and white versions of famous art, but my spacial relations aren't very good, so I don't really know how well that would work. I think I'd like to give it a try.

I want to study something terribly interesting. I want to discover something. I can't wait to take world mythology.

Top 6 Bands I Want to See in Concert
------------------------------------------------
1- Badly Drawn Boy
2- Pete Yorn
3- Rooney
4- Guster
5- Jack Johnson
6- Radiohead

I know, I know... usually its a top 5, but Radiohead is kinda a tie with Jack Johnson, but I know more of Jack Johnson so I have to go with him.

gnite folks

Foolish Love

I don't want to hold you and feel so helpless
I don't want to smell you and lose my senses
And smile in slow motion with eyes in love

I twist like a corkscrew, the sweetness rising
I drink from the bottle weeping
Why won't you last?
Why can't you last?
So I will walk without care,
Beat my snare
Look like a man who means business
Go to all the poshest places
With their familiar faces
Terminate all signs of weakness

Oh, all for the sake, all for the sake
Of a foolish love

I will take my coffee black, never snack
Hang with the wolves who are sheepish
Flow through the veins of town, always frown
Me and my mistress the princess

Oh, all for the sake, all for the sake
Of a foolish love

So the day Noah's Ark floats down park
My eyes will be simply glazed over
Or better yet
I'll wear shades on sunless days
And when the sun's out I'll stay and slumber

Oh, all for the sake, all for the sake
Of a foolish love

Cuz I don't want to hold you and feel so helpless
I don't want to smell you and lose my senses
and smile in slow motion with eyes in love.

---Rufus Wainwright


I wish I could terminate all signs of weakness. Today I woke up sick as a dog. A sick dog. I've got a headache, a stomach ache, (those horrible barbecue wings!) and swollen lymph nodes (and the ones behind my head are hard and hurt when I touch them.

It worries me.

So I decided not to go to my classes today, and instead to catch up on all of my work so that I won't have to stay up late tonight. I hate being sick. Especially when I'm so far from home. (hehe)

what worries me the most, is that I'm really tired, so tired that its hard to keep my head up.

if this is mono, couldnt it just wait till christmas break? Final exams with mono will not be a joy.

Alright, I should get to work while I still have some drive left.

be healthy.

on the horizon
-------------------
just tell me
don't keep it from me
you need me
just like I need you.

we met here
on the horizon
there's a place there
where we can go.

we go there
just to be there
we don't know
if it's still the same

but without it
we might not be here

these things matter to me
do they matter to you?

--bdb

(part of)The Letter

Cuz I've apologized to you
and you've said nothing

and that makes me smile

Maybe you didnt get the message,
but it takes recognition to heal.

and that makes me think

Maybe you just didnt care.
and you just aren't
the person your friends said
you were.

and that makes me laugh

And maybe, yes maybe in fact, you're
just the person I thought you were.

and that makes me smile.


alcohol makes me sleepy.

(though I start to say funny things when I'm sleepy... I guess my "hey, dont say that you'll look like an idiot" devices don't work as well with a lil rum in the system... and I mean a LITTLE.)

I got an E-card from the koolest guy in the world... okay maybe the second koolest. Ally knows what I'm talking about!

So these past few days... hmm maybe 11... have been joeful. It was really nice. Lots of turkey though, perhaps too much... I should never eat again. Monday started it all. Having my love come stay with me was like merging my two worlds together showing me just how fulfilling life can be. I even bought him a muffin. =-) I'll be his sugar-momma if he'll be my muffin man. hehe I know.. I know... and when the Ents made the orcs say Uncle... that wasnt funny either. (hehe get it.. aunts... uncle... sigh)

Then I got to see the thanksgiving parade balloons the night before thanksgiving and it was cold, but it was fun. The eiffel tower is red white and blue. ;-) Thanksgiving itself was delightful... in the most charming sense of the word. It was the nicest thanksgiving I could have ever spent without my own family. It felt good. Grandmas are special. I passed out several times this past week.. hehe too much turkey.

John Cusack owns me.

I GOT INTO WORLD MYTHOLOGY!!!!!!!!!!

I took family pictures....

//that's jim, he goes to georgetown/that's gen, she goes to rutgers
/that's dan he goes to st joes/that's josh, he goes to st matthias
/and joe, oh he's nobody//

Then the weekend was a rutherford adventure, and for those of you who have visited rutherford you know that it is not only the boro of trees, but also the boro of fun. We participated in OPERATION IRAQI FREEDOM ie OPERATION SNOWFLAKE (we placed an obscenely large snowman on the front lawn of my aunt's house). This blow up snowman reached 8 feet tall and proudly held his candy cane to the sky in charge style and likeness. With the fog machine in the careful hands of joe, and the wooden squirrels placed strategically around the yard the operation was a success. (My aunt hates squirrels and tacky yard decorations)

My aunt walked out her front door and the only sound heard was "what the fuck? hahaha"

nicely done boys.. nicely done...

I just got in from movie night at anik's... goodtimes ... and ya know what we watched...
1-Who Framed Roger Rabbit
2-Lord Of The Rings (extended)

I sounded like such a pro explaining and discussing the battle of helms deep
I done you all proud.

What do you want for christmas?