You Were Right

And you
Were right to bide your time
And not buy into my misery
Well the good things are never free
Do the colours of the rainbow
Look the same to everyone

An' I
Was rushin' round in circles
For a reason to believe
Wipe the slime from off your sleeve
You could follow me for weeks
And I'm not goin' anywhere

Sometimes it’s hard to love someone
Until the day that they are gone

An' I
Just had a dream the other night
I was married to the queen
And Madonna lived next door
I think she took a shine to me
And the kids were all grown up
But I had to turn her down
'Cos I was still in love with you

I'm turning Madonna down
I'm calling it my best move
I'll get her tickets for what she needs

(Instrumental Break)

I
Remember doing nothing
On the night, Sinatra died
And the night, Jeff Buckley died
And the night, Kurt Cobain died
And the night, John Lennon died
I remember I stayed up
To watch the news with everyone

And that was a lot of nights
And that was a lot of lives
Who lost the tickets to what they need

An' I
Was busy finding answers while
You just got on with real life
Always hoped you'd be my wife
But I never found the time
For the question to arrive
I just disguised it in a song

And songs
Are never quite the answer
Just a soundtrack to a life
That is over all too soon
Helps to turn the days to night
While I was wrong and you were right

And this was a lesson learned
I'm happy to be your fool
And get your tickets to what you need

(Whistle)

I'm turning the lights down low
I'm ready to make my move
I'll get you tickets to what you need

---Badly Drawn Boy

Its friday morning, just barely and I have papers to write. Ok, so all of you that are searching for truth just found it. All of you who are searching for something beautiful... I'll take care of you later.

--how terribly conceited... nono u'll understand

I haven't been having the best time at school, and I haven't been very shy about who knows it. Its worried some, confused others and then there are people who have surprised me with how much they care, or don't. So for everyone who has endured me and cared and worried -thanks.

I realized that I am in love. And that my love will keep me going. I am in love with john cusack. (not the name everyone anticipates) I have my own lil section of the wall behind my head as my shrine to him. With pictures and notes (YOU WANNA RACE?) I'm quite delighted with my lil area. And quotes from say anything and all his other awesome movies flood my desk.

"I'm not gonna meet someone like Diane Court at a kegger. I mean this girl was different, man. When we'd go out, we wouldn't even have to go out. We'd just hang out. This girl made me trust myself. I was walking around, feeling satisfied, can you imagine that? But then she cuts me loose. I dont know why, she wont tell me why. Maybe its because of her father, I dont know. She wont talk to me. Wont look at me!" (throws bottle)---LLOYD

Isn't that great? He's such a perfect guy. Especially after going to a frat party last night, i can appreciate that.

When Lloyd made his "8th and final (unreturned)call," he then said to Diane on the answering machine about the note saying he would love her forever:

"Maybe I didn't really know you. Maybe you were just a mirage. Maybe the world is full of food and sex and spectacle and we're all just hurling towards an acropolis, in which case it's not your fault. I'm been thinking about all these things and....you're probably standing there monitoring. And one more thing -- about the letter. NUKE IT, FLAME IT, DESTROY IT -- it hurts me to know it's out there. Later."---LLOYD

Its called Say Anything because when he got nervous or excited he would talk really really fast and say anything. reminds me of some people i know.

i have to go write a paper... its noon.... talk to u later folks

what am i

i am a student
i am a woman

i am insecure
i am passive
i am frustrated
i am discontented

i am loved
i am forgetful
i am funny
i am beautiful
i am short

i am on the verge of greatness

i am insightful
i am intelligent
i am witty
i am fun to be with
i am loving
i am thinking
i am questioning
i am wondering

i am torn
i am jealous
i am dark
i am pale

i am constantly taking people for granted
i am constatnly appreciating people
i am constantly contradicting myself

i am caught between wanting to be somewhere else
and wanting to be better here

i am caught between wanting to please someone else
and wanting to be pleased with me

i am looking for god
i am looking for me
i am looking for happiness
i am looking



Change is the only constant. Its everything you hope for when you're holding a caterpillar and everything you're afraid of when watching your friends go away. It's the most natural thing in the world and it has been happening to you since the moment you were born and will continue until long after you die. It doesnt make sense to fear change. Though I do.

As young children we hate change. Everything has to be done as mommy has done or else its no good. When apprehensive about starting school everyone says "you'll fall into a routine and feel better".

But what if a person doesn't change. What if mother nature gets bored and decides that you are going to be her amusement. What if god tests you just because he can.

"you only lose the people you let go" Someone said roughly that to me last night. That meaning that only you can screw up your life. I suppose its true.

I have this problem, i get so down that i take it out on people. I take out my misery on other people, particularly people who would give their right arm for me. And for what purpose? I don't know. Because just as only I can screw up my own life, it seems that only I can make it into something I would enjoy living.

I don't want to complain anymore to people. I don't want people to not want to talk to me because all they ever have to do (or feel like they have to do) is cheer me up. So I'm just gonna give it a try, and if it fails it fails. And then i'll know that im a stronger person than i thought and transfer the hell outta here. And if it works then i'll have someone to eat lunch with and everyone wont feel like they have to cheer me up all the time.

sigh... i sound like a cross between strong sad and marzipan.

hot tears against my cold cheeks

a lump in my throat

what is going on?

So sean came by today. That was good. I dont know how I'd manage without him. (for as evil as he is to me...)

My eye twitches to tell my body that it needs rest. My body screams back at it to stop its whining and do its damn job. My eye obeys. Good eye gen, good eye.


I engaged in a friendly pissing contest... no they arent for boys anymore... here's the story as i told it to its main character:

Speckles17: i was talking to this girl about her boyfriend and his roomate
Speckles17: and i said that my boyfriend's roomate was kooler than hers
Speckles17: and she was like.. maybe but my boyfriend's roomate's name is kooler i bet
Speckles17: and in my mind i was like (no way bitch)
Speckles17: so i was like.. "oh yeah? what?"
Speckles17: i was sharpening my knives as she began to speak

Speckles17: im speaking figuratively
Speckles17: i dont want u to think i had knives

Speckles17: and she's like
Speckles17: "his name is DUSTIN, isnt that the best"
Speckles17: and i laughed one of those belly laughs
Speckles17: and she was like ... oh yeah? well whats ur boyfriend's roomate's name?
Speckles17: and i was like... "oh, nothing quite as special or original as Dustin.... only DIPIN"

Speckles17: and she was wowed
Speckles17: a hush fell over the children immediately surrounding me
Speckles17: and i won the pissing contest

Yeah so last night was an episode from the made for douglass drama "gen is a loser"

I love that show.. i can totally identify with her, too bad she isnt real.

Creep

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fuckin' special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.

She's running out again,
She's running out
She's run run run running out...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special...

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
I don't belong here.

--radiohead


So today was filled with enough of its own feelings to get me going. I sort of made a friend, well i didnt have to eat alone... that was really nice. I saw familiar faces.. nate and jenna... so in some weird way, my day seems fuller. I woke up, contemplated the existance of god for several hours, and then went to a lecture. OH and I exposed the rest of my expos class to the world of abstract thinking. Am I being modest? no... am I wrong? I dont think so.

I had many mixed feelings today:

nate and jenna were both excited to see me.

Alexa and i talked about how unhappy or just how we didnt love douglass.

Jenna said "can these four years be over now?" and we talked about missing the theatre.

I don't feel so alone... or at least i feel alone with other people.

I only want the same as anyone

i itch for something to call home. im dying for friends. one girl i've met said that something i said made me sound like a slut. later today she asked me about something that made me feel like one. And any of you who know me know better than that. I just hate the feeling that im making mistakes and that people are getting the wrong impression.


"sometimes ur happy
sometimes you cry
half of me is ocean
half of me is sky"

Im starting to hide it.
I pretend when its quiet

Its always quiet

I hide in the noise too
I fight the abandonment others
sense in me

where is love?