We've finally reached saturday and it is noon. The time when normal people open their fridges and wonder what their lunch today will be. Lunch is a time of reflection for some on the events of the morning, for others lunch is a moment of daydream for what the future might hold. Lunch is the middle meal, the meal we eat because if we want to make it through the day, we're going to need a little extra push. For me, lunch is typically a hassel, I would rather not eat lunch unless I have lunch plans- and have turned to the special K diet for just as much a solution to my lunch annoyance as a weight loss plan. On the special K diet, you eat breakfast and then several hours later, you eat breakfast AGAIN! These geniuses over at special K have truly earned their name. No need to fret over turkey sandwiches with too much mayo, or soggy bread from pb&j's gone wrong. RELAX lunch eating americans, because special K has got you covered.

However, today is not any ordinary lunch day for me. Today I am very excited to be able to claim that I am going on a picnic. I've never actually been on one before so I'm sure there will be many myths busted along the way, but I figure it'll be a learning experience if nothing else. Though honestly, I have high hopes.

But before all that, and I'm sure I'll be writing about it later- let me deal with some things that have been on my mind that I'd like to work through quickly before I have exciting picnic events to relate.

So it's been a long week filled with several revelations that have not made me happy. I suppose you can't really group the two together, but they are both on my mind. the more serious one I don't really want to talk about, but I had a dream last night that I think was inspired by it. Last night I dreamed that I had a huge fight with my mom though the house we were living in was the old house of my childhood bestfriend claire. I don't remember what the fight was about, something superficial but I remember how Rod came to her defense. I had the same feeling I've had in the past whenever he (rarely) has gotten involved in our fights- that he should mind his business and leave us be. I woke up almost in tears. I realized that he's been a member of our family now for a long time, and he's always been good to us and looked after my mom. I know it's premature of me to imagine losing him, but then again, if you've ever heard the word you know its hard not to immediately imagine your life without them.

I love my family, all of them. I'm lucky to be loved by so many people, and I wish I wasn't so immature for it to take something like this to realize how little our awareness changes over time on its own.

The other thing that is on my mind is a friend who I miss. That's all I really want to say about that.

Okay, well this blog break has been brought to you by my family who decided to complicate today by needing to shower at the exact time I was getting in the shower, and then needing to take the only car the family owns that I can drive just when I needed to go foodshopping. As a result I have more time than I thought I would, because I rushed to do everything instead of taking the time I had planned to give myself. So yeah, time to make the sandwiches, and give the house a once over.

go.

For a less scholarly (ha I know) posting for today, here is a little something I cooked up tonight in preparation for this weekend...also in response to some terrible quiz I took today that told me I was a grape...........

In post-911 America one can never be too sure about the person with whom they are about to share a picnic lunch and so it is crucial to establish a secure understanding of your picnic partner before you engage in said activities. You don't want to be the one saying "hey buddy boy, you stole my picanic basket".No, no you don't. So lets begin the "so you think you want to go on a picnic with me" quiz.

1- If on this alleged picnic one were to encounter a bear, or a marmot or another creature of the non-civilized world what would one do?

a- run and scream........for help of course
b- run and scream........in pursuit of the animal of course
c- play dead

2- If over the course of the picnic the camera stopped working what would you do?

a- run and scream.........I mean fix it
b- quickly prepare a painting of the kodak moment for posterity
c- quickly pick a fight thus destroying the kodak moment and any cause for a camera

3- During the course of the wonderful afternoon your date talks incessantly about her family, specifically her brothers, what do you do?

a- run and scream until she stops and pays you the attention you goshdarn deserve
b- quickly kill off her existing family so she can pay you the attention you goshdarn deserve
c- realize she is nervous and an open person and offer her more iced tea.

4- It's the end of the date and after deciding that you couldn't have found a better way to spend your saturday you hop on your bicycle only to find that her bike tire is flat. What do you do?

a- You do your best arnold schwartzenegger impersonation and tell the tire you're going to "pump you up".
b- You ride off into the sunset, she'll be fine until the wolves come
c- You calm the dreadfully upset and embarrassed girl and patch the tire using grass.


SCORES:
1 (a=3), (b=2), (c=1)
2 (a=2), (b=3), (c=1)
3 (a=2),(b=1),(c=3)
4 (a=2),(b=1),(c=3)

4-6
You are a Fozzie Bear maybe dating isn't a good idea after all.

7-9
You Are Rowlf we can still date but I'm keeping my eye on you

10-12
You are Kermit lets picnic

I feel like watching About a Boy tonight. I'm not sure if I will, but I'd like to. I wanna see hugh grant sink a floating dead duck with a big loaf of bread. Call it a craving. =-)

So today was a nice day, even though I'm still suffering from terrible congestion and whatever else this cold is going to throw at me. I'd kinda like it to go away by saturday, but I am starting to think that might just be a lil too wishful for me.

Jim emailed me today, my friend Jim is making his way around europe for a while, currently in Italia hopefully sleeping. But with a guy like jim, you just never know. It is neat for me to send him emails because it feels odd to be the one emailing Italy, also it's nice because I'm incredibly bored sometimes.

I've been reading Lolita in Tehran by Azar Nafisi. It's taken me a while to make my way through it, it is not really light reading at all. It is very much about classroom dynamics and analyzing literature (two things I love, but are somewhat on the shelf when I'm in the summer mood).

So far the things that I like about the book are the typical things that charm me about books. I don't know diddly about Iran and so it really is a world ready to be shaped by her words. This is something I enjoyed about my Modern Lit of India class and my Memory and Modern Fiction/Hungarian lit class and so many others.

Another aspect of the book that I am enjoying is that concerns itself with the approach to literature, with the problem of loving literature that makes us uncomfortable or upset, and with the question of morality and/in literature.

Would you believe I'm not even half way through it? The problem of loving literature when it makes you feel terrible or when it is about terrible things is a big one. How can you like something that makes you feel awful? During my Memory and Modern Literature class I encountered this question in a big way when I absolutely loved a book about a Holocaust survivor. I was drawn into the pages and into the characters and although I felt awful and at times I disagreed and disliked the hero, I loved the book. When the professor asked the class if anyone liked the book, I was the only one to raise my hand and I did it without a second thought. Then he asked us if we were supposed to like the book. I felt that all of a sudden the common understanding of "to like something" was too ambiguous. Did I like the book, yes- did I like the way I felt, no. Did I feel like I understood on some level the pain that the hero was trying to condense onto the page? Yes. Did I find that amazingly rewarding? Yes. Did I like the book; yes.

There is a quote from the book that I'd like to share:

"Why is it that stories like Lolita and Madame Bovary- stories that are so sad, so tragic--make us happy? Is it not sinful to feel pleasure when reading about something so terrible? Would we feel this way if we were to read about it in the newspapers or if it happened to us? If we were to write about our lives here in the Islamic Republic of Iran, should we make our readers happy?...

Nabokov calls every great novel a fairy tale, I said. Well, I would agree. First, let me remind you that fairy tales abound with frightening witches who eat children and wicked stepmothers who poison their beautiful stepdaughters and weak fathers who leave their children behind in forests. But the magic comes from the power of good, that force which tells us we need not give in to the limitations and restrictions imposed on us by McFate, as Nabokov called it.

Every fairy tale offers the potential to surpass present limits, so in a sense the fairy tale offers you freedoms that reality denies. In all great works of fiction, regardless of the grim reality they present, there is an affirmation of life against the transience of that life, an essential defiance. This affirmation lies in the way the author takes control of reality by retelling it in his own way, thus creating a new world. Every great work of art, I would declare pompously, is a celebration, an act of insubordination against the betrayals, horrors and infidelities of life. The perfection and beauty of form rebels against the ugliness and shabbiness of the subject matter. This is why we love Madame Bovary and cry for Emma, why we greedily read Lolita as our heart breaks for its small, vulgar, poetic and defiant orphaned heroine."

-- Lolita in Tehran

Flower-muscle, slowly pulling open
the anemone's vast meadow morning,
until the loud sky's polyphonic light
comes pouring down into its womb,

music of infinite reception
flexed in the quiet flower star,
sometimes so overwhelmed by fullness
that the sunset's call to rest

is scarcely able to give you back
the wide-sprung petal edges: you,
resolve and strength of how many worlds!

We violent ones, we last longer.
But when, in which of all these lives,
are we finally open and receivers?

-Rainer Maria Rilke, poem 5 of the second part of Sonnets to Orpheus


I was given this book by one of my closest friends, someone who understands me very well and knows how much I love good poetry. I havent read much of this book so far, just a few poems but already this one has impressed me alot.

I went to dd with dan and josh today. I walked there and they met up with me. Then dan and I went to see Die Hard. Then I met christina for a drink and joe for dinner. I had a really nice day and things are starting to feel normal, and by normal I mean that things are beginning to feel like they are going the way they are supposed to go in a normal healthy life. I still haven't talked to Maggie but hopefully we'll figure things out soon.

It was wonderful to see christina, she was only gone 3 days, but everything happened in those 3 days and there was a lot to tell her. 2 boys asked for my number, I actually liked one of them, 2 of my exes asked me to dance with them, I actually danced with one of them, two of my friends set me up with their good friends, I actually liked one of them. Ha. Patterns anyone? So yeah, I guess there are some boyfriends who make good friends afterward and some that don't, and some friends who know just what to do when you need them, and others who can't seem to figure that out.

im not giving up just yet.

Surfer Girl

Little surfer little one
Made my heart come all undone
Do you love me, do you surfer girl
Surfer girl my little surfer girl

I have watched you on the shore
Standing by the oceans roar
Do you love me do you surfer girl
Surfer girl surfer girl

We could ride the surf together
While our love would grow
In my woody I would take you everywhere I go

So I say from me to you
I will make your dreams come true
Do you love me do you surfer girl
Surfer girl my little surfer girl

Girl surfer girl my little surfer girl
Girl surfer girl my little surfer girl
Girl surfer girl my little surfer girl

-the beach boys

Tonight/This morning I ask, what could you be a fool for?

I'm a fool for the ocean, the way it smells and yes even tastes gets me all happy.
I'm a fool for the clouds and the way they seem to have their own life.
I'm a fool for chocolate ice cream with cherries
I'm a fool for funky bass lines and mysterious bass players
I'm a fool for a good vocabulary
I'm a fool for unique thinking
I'm a fool for mix cds made for me
I'm a fool for summer bike rides
I'm a fool for a good book and some cold iced tea
I'm a fool for a guy with an accent
I'm a fool for a cute and affectionate nickname
I'm a fool for a happy puppy
I'm a fool for a simple game of cards or beach pictionary
I'm a fool for a song with my name in it
I'm a fool for a smiling baby
I'm a fool for holding hands and dancing in kitchens
I'm a fool for many things in this world, what is one more gonna hurt?

=-)

Political Science

No one likes us-
I don't know why
We may not be perfect, but heaven knows we try
But all around, even our old friends put us down
Let's drop the big one and see what happens

We give them money-
but are they grateful?
No, they're spiteful and they're hateful
They don't respect us-
so let's surprise them
We'll drop the big one and pulverize them

Asia's crowded and Europe's too old
Africa is far too hot
And Canada's too cold
And South America stole our name
Let's drop the big one
There'll be no one left to blame us

We'll save Australia
Don't wanna hurt no kangaroo
We'll build an All American amusement park there
They got surfin', too

Boom goes London and boom Paris
More room for you and more room for me
And every city the whole world round
Will just be another American town

Oh, how peaceful it will be
We'll set everybody free
You'll wear a Japanese kimono
And there'll be Italian shoes for me

They all hate us anyhow
So let's drop the big one now
Let's drop the big one now

--Randy Newman

So yesterday is yesterday and today is today and things were really great today. I woke up early after going to sleep around 4:30am. Matt and Jeremy and Katie and Adam came to pick me up around 10:15 to go down the shore. We went to Katie's gma's house in Spring Lake and spent 4 hours or so on the beach. Katie finished Harry Potter, Matt and Jeremy and Adam went in the water and I alternated between watching the clouds and taking my chances in the waves. The waves were huge! I swallowed some gulps and my throat now is icky, though I haven't been sleeping much lately so that might have something to do with it too.

These past few days have been crazy. Matt and I went bouldering on wednesday night, then thursday night matt, jeremy, suzanne, joe, myself and kiddies went to see Return To Sender play at Connies. That was a great show, I was really impressed with how well Sean and Russ and the guys synergize. (booya) Friday night danny and katie went with me up to maggie's house in south orange to attend her party. It was a good time, despite the fact I was DD and was close up and personal with aaron who was trashed. All in all I had a great couple of nights though, and it always helps when at the end of the night someone asks for your number. ;-)

Friday was fun, even though Maggie and I didn't spend much time together at the party. Saturday was a busy day, danny and mom and rod and josh and I went into spanish harlem to help jim move some furniture into his new apartment. I drove! We had to go through the easy pass at the GWB because we totally didn't have an extra 6 bucks. I hope the cameras got my good side. Moving jim into his apartment was crazy, but all in all good. He has a 5th floor walk up, ie: no elevator so it was lots of cursing and luckily laughing. My brothers are great. Josh didnt go with us, he was going to, but at the last minute the neighbour asked if he wanted to go swimming with her son instead. Afterward he regretted his decision because he realized how much fun we had and how he'd missed out on seeing jim and his apartment.

Saturday night was last night, and found me at Jess' house in new brunswick for her official 21st birthday party. This party was great because so many awesome people were there; EVAN! TODD! STEPHEN! STEVE M! JAY! JESS! whew I'm getting tired..... also maggie, aaron, lauren, pete, brett, ariel, and lotsa other people were there. This made the party nice. But at the same time, things between maggie and I are kinda off right now, so when we talked about it things didn't really go well. So after that I was kinda upset for the rest of the night, although Jess and Lauren were really sweet to me about it. Jess had a great birthday, and I left around 3:30 because I started not to feel so good and because I was really bummed about maggie. I just want her to be my friend, and it makes me sad that she's so uncomfortable with me now.

Then this morning I went to the beach, we all got along really well in the car and for the whole trip, and it was an absolutely beautiful day. I thought about how if only I had my beach cruiser I would be all over that little town. =-) I put sunscreen on when I got there, and then reapplied it twice during our stay on the beach. I would have succeeded in avoiding a sunburn altogether if not for the fact that I missed the side of my boob by my arm. =-( Otherwise I'm burn free.

I can't wait for christina to get home from texas, I want to hear all about her trip and because I have sooooooooo much to tell her. I'm feeling really good right now despite the fact that my throat feels icky, im hot to the touch, my ears are full of water, I'm exhausted, my right earring hole is infected, and lets see what else?? well that'll do for now.

if you could have any super power which would it be?
ability to read minds?
ability to stop time?
ability to go to parties all the time and never tire?

=-)

Dancing in the Dark

I get up in the evening
and I ain't got nothing to say
I come home in the morning
I go to bed feeling the same way

I ain't nothing but tired
Man I'm just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby, I could use just a little help

You can't start a fire
You can't start a fire without a spark
This gun's for hire
even if we're just dancing in the dark

Message keeps getting clearer
Radio's on and I'm moving 'round the place
I check my look in the mirror
I wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face

Man I ain't getting nowhere
I'm just living in a dump like this
There's something happening somewhere
baby I just know that there is

You can't start a fire
you can't start a fire without a spark
This gun's for hire
even if we're just dancing in the dark

You sit around getting older
there's a joke here somewhere and it's on me
I'll shake this world off my shoulders
come on baby this laugh's on me

Stay on the streets of this town
and they'll be carving you up alright
They say you gotta stay hungry
hey baby I'm just about starving tonight

I'm dying for some action
I'm sick of sitting 'round here trying to write this book
I need a love reaction
Come on now baby gimme just one look

You can't start a fire
Sitting 'round crying over a broken heart
This gun's for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark

You can't start a fire
Worrying about your little world falling apart
This gun's for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark

Even if we're just dancing in the dark
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
Hey baby

-- Bruce Springsteen

I had a rough night. Things didn't go the way I thought they would. This song was in my head all day, and I really dig that one line "they say you gotta stay hungry, hey baby I'm just about starving tonight".

I have to go to bed, because I have to be up early tomorrow. I'm gonna look like 10,000 bucks, after its been through the wash. =-)

here's to a better tomorrow- whatever she brings. Because as someone pointed out to me earlier, it is always today.