hahahahaha this was what i got on this test.. dont ask my why i took it.. boredom.. curiosity.. or perhaps it was my inner sex kitten that took over.. haha i think im more of the "shy and sexy" but who would argue with these results.. oh but they have no idea. (my comments appear like this)


Gen you are..... 'Hot n Sexy'

When you enter a room, all eyes gravitate toward you. (oh yes i've noticed this.. especially when im returning from the bathroom and had a run in with the sink)

Like a moth to a flame, people can't help but notice you. Maybe it's how you casually move through a crowd or that glow you give off when you flash that smile. (i glow now.. must be the spinach)

You're hot and it shows. Could it be the haircut that says it all about you, the jeans that fit just right, or the casual way you saunter across a room looking confident from all angles?(saunter.. good word, angles--geometry, didnt do that well in that class.. but boy can i move)

You have an air about you that commands respect from men and women alike. (just ask my math teacher)

You possess such outward strength that these people ache to be around you. (yep.. like a toothache)

When you speak, people hang on your every word. (probably because I've misused it)

You are so full of charisma and cachet that, whether in a business or social setting, you can gauge the mood in the room and offer the right compliment or provocative statement for any scene. (i have been called provacative on several occassions.. what can i say?)

Do you have a secret intuition about how people work? Just maybe. And that's one of the sexiest things about you. (that disappoints me some.. perhaps this test knew something about me after all)

Im at my dad's house right now. Danny is on the retreat with all my friends basically. They are friends with him too, but I think I'd call them my friends before I called them his friends. They wanted me to go, and yet here I am. So why didnt i go? Was it the 85 some dollars? Did i have plans with other people? Was I just too lazy? Or could it be that im disenchanted with the idea?

But why? Why would I be disenchanted with spending a weekend with friends? I think at this point I just want to live a structureless life. I dont want deadlines, I dont want obligations.. I want to float. I dont want to be tied to one religion, I dont want life to pass me by while Im stuffed up somewhere with people Im already comfortable with. I want to figure me out. Maybe this time away from my friends will bring me closer to me. Maybe thats a little too much of a goal for one weekend... but this isolation .. not just not being with any of my friends.. but being where all of them are not. Maybe thats the same, but i doubt it. This blog is very long.. I like it because with each line i add I lessen and lessen the likelyhood that anyone will make it to the end. It becomes more and more mine. The people who do read my blog dont read the whole thing, or dont comment. I went through all the trouble of getting a dumb comment system on this blog.. and i dont even care if no one comments. I just want to make it available in case someone wants to tell me they care in one way or another.

I didnt want to go out tonight. I feel bad leaving my dad alone when we are with him on holiday. But at the same time I am writing this I am leaving him by himself in the other room. I should go. He told me that he doesnt want me to feel obligated to be with him, and that I should be with my friends when I want to be. But there are probably only 3 people I would want to be with if not with him. And I havent talked to those people in a day or two. We were listening to my aunts tell stories of growing up and all the bad things they did. One of my aunts wrote this expose persay on growing up in that house. There wasnt much about my dad because my dad was 10 years older than her. My dad was the oldest.. and he had one brother and 4 sisters. His youngest sister was 14 years younger than him. He basically named her. My dad's confirmation name was christopher.. and her name is Christine. So where am i going with this. I realized how boring my life has been. I havent done anything bad... im what my father called "a parent's prayer". --my brothers too. I dont remember if i mentioned this, but my older brother told me he wanted me to have a few beers with him and his friends before i go to college that way the first time i get plastered im not at the mercy of some frat jerk at some rutgers party. I know he cares, but just the fact that he had to suggest this made me feel like i needed protecting. Maybe i do, but i dont want it. Or I dont want to know i need it. I dont want to live like this. I dont want to get drunk to ease my mother's mind. I dont want to be that good. It hurts to think I am so good and so unsatisfied. Im such a mess. No one deserves me. Im tired of waiting behind the glass for someone to try and touch me. I want to be loved. I want people to know I love them. I dont feel loved. Maybe Im being a petty teenager only thinking of myself.. there are people starving and crying out for relief and here i am tearing at my papercuts. I want to have a conversation where i say nothing. I'll be listening.

im "shaking like an angry child who has asked for love and is unanswered still"

if I had you

Looking into you--- jackson browne (my favorite guitarist ever!)

Well I looked into a house I once lived in
Around the time I first went on my own
When the roads were as many as the places I had dreamed of
And my friends and I were one
Now the distance is done and the search has begun
I've come to see where my beginnings have gone

Oh the walls and the windows were still standing
And the music could be heard at the door
Where the people who kindly endured my odd questions
Asked if I came very far
And when my silence replied they took me inside
Where their children sat playing on the floor

Well we spoke of the changes that would find us farther on
And it left me so warm and so high
But as I stepped back outside to the grey morning sun
I heard that highway whisper and sigh
Are you ready to fly?

And I looked into the faces all passing by
It's an ocean that will never be filled
And the house that grows older and finally crumbles
That even love cannot rebuild
It's a hotel at best, you're here as a guest
You oughta make yourself at home while you're waiting for the rest

Well I looked into dream of the millions
That one day the search will be through
Now here I stand at the edge of my embattled illusions
Looking into you

The great song traveler passed through here
And he opened my eyes to the view
And I was among those who called him a prophet
And I asked him what was true
Until the distance had shown how the road remains alone
Now I'm looking in my life for a truth that is my own

Well I looked into the sky for my anthem
And the words and the music came through
But words and music can never touch the beauty that I've seen
Looking into you -- and that's true

Just a few lines in there that remind me of someone. I dont feel so hot. And to directly contradict myself: my head feels hot. This song is sad. Its funny, cuz jackson browne is my favorite guitarist and yet there is practically no guitar on that song. It sounds like a travelers song. I shouldnt write much tonight, I should make an effort to be social. But I'd much rather sit and just talk to my dad... i've had enough of this traditional obligation. I want a truth that is my own.... When i have my children my husband will probably be quick to divorce me.. because i dont want to raise my children like i've been. Not that there is anything wrong with who I turned out to be. My parents are shit lucky ... im one of the best kids i know..lol to toot my own horn

Im going to neglect the train of thought I've begun about how i will raise my children.. and move on to another. Because its my mind.. thats why. Can't stand the heat take a cold shower. hehe

So my older brother pulled me aside tonight and in a serious tone told me that he wanted to get me drunk soon because he's worried that i will wait till college and not know when enough is enough and end up at some rutgers frat party at the hands of some neanderthall... Im sure.. honestly i am sure that i should be glad to have such a good brother.. but there is something about having ur brother tell u that he and ur mother think it would be best if i got drunk sooner than later. it kinda takes the fun out of it. oh well... what can i do?

Today-- or yesterday I guess at this point.. I had a lot of time to think about these past four years, and all that, and all of the people who have been special to me. I thought about graduating from 8th grade... never knowing that my list of friends would shift dramatically. I thought about ending my first relationship, how i thought i'd never love again... how i didnt want to. People say that when you're young you dont really feel seriously about anyone.. but I'll tell u.. that hurt. Then life took up again.. and I started BGA. That meant the bus..lol which was so exciting at first.

Then after dating half a million st joes fellas...lol sophmore year-- the year of kent.. ended. This is when I lost all my old friends and the people who had always been around came into the foreground and became more than they'll ever know- to me. Katie, Elizabeth and Katherine became like family. =-) They helped me survive another year of hopeless devotion..lol but we wont go there.

Junior year came too soon, and that brought another relationship with its own issues. Add on top of that drama class...which left me dizzy and you have quite the year. Insert a dash of heartache towards the end of the year and you have my junior year. Then came the summer, and a local relationship. The first in years. I wouldnt normally consider that relationship anything noteworthy, but because i knew him so well it will stick out in my mind. That was around the time when nearly my entire group was interwoven with dating. Its called the recipe for disaster.

Then Naz Farm. The most beautiful experience of my life.. and factor into that another sizzlin summer romance and you've got what kept me warm in august. haha sizzlin.. So when naz ended.. so did my summer fling.. or rather it disintegrated slowly. What a long and painful experience. Entering senior year I just wanted to crawl into a hole and lick my wounds. I joked about mr right. When a new relationship was probably the last thing i needed at the moment. The play came and life picked up. (im skipping mono--the depths of that depression arent anything I want to recall--shit i just did) SO after the play I felt like a million bucks... and another boy had appeared. One i never expected. But then again I never expected any of them.

Im not the type of girl who expects that sort of thing. So here I am little more than a month later... not carefree by any means. But after looking at these past few years of heartthrob and heartache I cant help but notice that I've gotten wiser with each one. And thank god.

When I think about it, I only really acknowledge 2 heartbreaks in my high school career. That can't be a terrible thing. Pete doesnt really count. He was just a plummetting disappointment. Well he wasnt.. but what happened was. Dont get me wrong.. i have very warm feelings towards almost everyone i mentioned. hehe

so why did i write this blog about this? im not really sure. Its just been on my mind. I guess the holidays always make me think of past 'special people'. even the few i should hope to forget.

Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree, for me
I've been an awful good girl
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, an out-of-space convertible too, light blue
I'll wait up for you dear
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed
Next year I could be oh so good
If you'd check off my Christmas list
Boo doo bee doo

Santa honey, I wanna yacht and really that's
Not a lot
I've been an angel all year
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa cutie, there's one thing I really do need, the deed
To a platinum mine
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, I'm filling my stocking with a duplex, and checks
Sign your 'X' on the line
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Come and trim my Christmas tree
With some decorations bought at Tiffany's
I really do believe in you
Let's see if you believe in me
Boo doo bee doo

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring
I don't mean a phone
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry down the chimney tonight
-sung originally by Ertha Kitt


--So here we are. Christmas morning and all is well. Frosted grass and rooftops. Lovely.

Ya know what else is lovely? Lamps. Lovely Lamps. lol No, im serious.. they are great. I think you cannot fully understand the magic of Christmas unless on one yule tide occassion or another you have unwrapped a lamp. =-) So of course, as soon as I climbed into bed I pulled my headphones onto my "wonderful" ears, played a smashing pumpkins cd until my batteries died, and assembled a cloud colored lamp.

Im back to edit this and add to it, now that life at this circus has calmed down though not gotten quiet. =-) Jim got me another David Sedaris book. Hard cover.. big bucks--he knows how rough i am with my books. -though most of my friends would agree when I describe them as "well loved".

I talked to my aunt jeane who also happens to be my grandmother... (its an interesting and entirely cooth story.. so hush) and as matriarch of the family it is her job to decide yay or nay when a new fella enters the equation for any of the women in our family. Its a light hearted thing, but terrifyingly enough she's been right every time. So as you can imagine I was both excited for joe to meet her (being that she is my favorite family member on my mom's side) and because Im curious to see what her thoughts are on a boy who constantly occupies mine.
Sweet boy. So yes, I couldnt wait to hear what she had to say. And apparently she had a conversation with my older brother about him on her way over today. When I heard her thoughts I took them to heart, as any young and foolish girl should heed her grandmother's words. God knows that she has seen enough young men to notice the heartbreakers. My uncle who isnt much older than me saw Joe's cotillion picture and told me that he thought he was "good looking".. he had such a worried/slightly evil look on his face. He married into my family. He is french.. very french. I like him though.. i like his name too Jacques. ( i didnt mean anythinig by the "though" comment after I mentioned he was french and not irish..lol it just occurred to me that it looked kinda funny.. hehe oh well i give up)

I stumbled upon someone's blog today. I had no intention of looking at it, and actually I had no idea it existed. Its always interesting to read the deep inner thinkings of someone's mind.. especially when they have no idea ur doing it... lol weird but hey.. ur doing it to me right now.

god bless us.. every one---even those of u who wont comment.. love to u on this day.

wheres the date?

could this be it? or am i only fooling myself? --about the blog of course.

=-)

.

I had a lot of fun last night.... wow that sounded bad

sigh this might be more work than its worth

did this work