"Disarm you with a smile
And leave you like they left me here
To wither in denial
The bitterness of one who's left alone"
--bc


Searching for a distraction, anything to tell me it isnt real.

("Soma is what they would take when hard times opened their eyes. Saw pain in a new way")

Begging to be lied to, let to rest beneath a handmade quilt of ignorance. It's so warm, so soft, i could fall asleep for days.

("close your eyes and sleep. don't wait up for me. hush now don't you speak to me")

But i know that when i wake up, it'll be the same as it was.. or worse. Disappointment overcomes hope and on come the tears. Another day at rock bottom. Feeling so alone.

("so now i'm all by myself as i've always felt and i'll betray my tears to anyone caught in our ruse of fools")

Is this where I change my ways?



"Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry. You dont know how lovely you are. I had to find you, tell you I need you, tell you I set you apart. Tell me your secrets. Nurse me your questions. Oh lets go back to the start. Running in circles...nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard."

My head aches. My heart aches. If things were different. If i really was on my own, would life be happier? Im sure it would be easier, but would it be happier? Maybe it would be happier. But it wouldnt be as full. I would be happy under the table and dreaming, but my dreams of standing on top of the table with the wind in my hair and the grit in my teeth would remain just that.. a dream. The only thing I have to go on is love now. The love i found today. The love i found in my mom when she bought that card and left it for me, and then took me for coffee... the love and understanding i found in ali when i felt so completely miserable at the blood drive and then later on. The love i found in elizabeth even when she wasnt doing so well. The love i found in joe when he took my faithlessness and returned to me compassion.

They say

--love is blind
--love is unconditional
--love is always
--love is inclusive
--love is open
--love is honest
--love is wanting to be loved
--love is trying
--love is picking up the pieces
--love is seeing what isnt shown
--love is the beginning
--love is the goal
--love is the point
--love is the way
--love is enough

love is enough

"yeah"

"The Scientist"

Come up to meet ya, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need ya
And tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and nurse me your questions
Oh lets go back to the start
Running in circles, coming in tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start
------------------------coldplay


I said i didnt want to blog anymore, but I have to cuz there is just no one else.

I am giving blood tomorrow

I am baking brownies now

life is one big disappointment after disappointment

im so angry

i dont really want to hang out with people. I dont want them around me anyway. i wish i didnt have to go to school tomorrow. i just hate everyone. it hurts too much to try and deal with it all.

I dont think Im going to make any plans for the rest of the week. Well thats probably what i'd be doing anyway, but at least if I say it today it wont depress me as much when it happens.

i got home and my mother asked me what was wrong.. and why did i sound so rushed. I guess I want to accomplish too much. Not that I am accomplishing alot.. but I am at least thinking about it all.

I dont think Im really going to blog anymore.... Nothing is ever definite with me, but Im just not feeling it. oh well whatever.


someone hit me with something...... i need an escape

for the little nun / sister in me.....

Just Like Heaven --the Cure

Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream" she said
"The one that makes me laugh" she said
And threw her arms around my neck
"Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you"

Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
"Why are you so far away?" she said
"Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you"

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream

Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved
And drowned her deep inside of me

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Just like heaven


Ok so the last few days have been heading in a downward spiral since saturday. (ok so there have only been three days, but they have been three long days!)

It all basically boils down to the subject I love the most, and the one I hate the most. Im disappointed with the grade I got -----(ok so maybe 'disappointed' is a light brush of a description) ----------on my Dante test.... and then Sochor, (sigh) well she just hates me. I was pretty happy with my 88 until i realized it should have been an 89!! She had missed my formula (off to the side)...and i'll let you fill in the rest of this, do you think she gave me the point? aah! I mean.. I guess there was a point to trying ... but she didnt even let me have that one.

I need a little cheer me up action... maybe a hamtaro and tomato sandwich....

Last night I fell asleep studying for english, ok so i hadnt started yet.. and i woke up at 11:45 when all of my friends had gone and I was too tired to study.

Dont ask me why.. but "heyo I wanna tap that ass" sounds somewhat threatening.... i think?? lol What do you say to that anyway?? "Suuure you are" or "Tap DANCE my ass muhahahaha" .. or what about :"how about no!" is that still kool? Oh I dont know. I really need to be kept up to date with these things.

Oh man.. I got quoted in religion class for a couple newspapers.. and Im somewhat worried now that Im never going to lose that "goodie goodie" label. oh well

Kat just said I made a good nun sunday night... I informed her that she meant "sister" because nuns live sequestered from the rest of society and I had meantioned working with the community... ahhhhhhhh someone save me!

My one and only love

The very thought of you makes
My heart sing
Like an April breeze
On the wings of spring
And you appear in all your splendor
My one and only love

The shadows fall
And spread their mystic charms
In the hush of night
While I'm in you're arms
I feel your lips so warm and tender
My one and only love

The touch of your hand is like heaven
A heaven that I’ve never known
The blush on your cheek
Whenever I speak
Tells me that you are my own

You fill my eager heart with
Such desire
Every kiss you give
Sets my soul on fire
I give myself in sweet surrender
My one and only love

The blush on your cheek
Whenever I speak
Tells me that you are my own
You fill my eager heart with
Such desire
Every kiss you give
Sets my soul on fire
I give myself in sweet surrender
My one and only love

My one and only love


Wow. Thats my weekend summed up. Yesterday was so wonderful. We went to the circus! The circus! I wore a funny hat that smelled like elephant. I fell asleep a couple times during the day. It feels extra special, extra nice to fall asleep in the arms of someone who loves you. Im such a "hands to yourself" type person just by nature.. I dont like imposing on other people so physically I shy away from it. Its a way I avoid rejection I guess. But now that I've found someone I can trust so much, well i just hope its at least half as nice as it is for me.

Zwan... who knew? It kicked so much ass its hard to describe. Sure I couldnt see the whole time, but the couple times that I could see ... the show was even better. They played Settle Down.. which is one of my favorites.. and of course Honestly and Lyric. It was kool that they played a lot of the songs that I've been listening to lately-- so although I didnt know all the lyrics.. I could sing some of the choruses. =-)

I have to go study for Dante... yeah Im not going to pass that one but ok. I guess I'll just have to forget getting that A in english fourth quarter. That was my only goal too. I sure know how to stick with my goals. Damn.. Im not gonna think about that now, the weekend was really good.