Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

So as usual everyone is everywhere today, and the christmas paper is flying around with angry faces demanding who used the tape last and where the hell could the scissors be found?

Cookies are prefectly acceptable as breakfast supplements and church will be lasting 2 hours. Is this to make up for the fact you havent gone to church all year? Yes. That and because you went to a Hannukah celebration. You terrible person.

I had a nightmare last night. Actually maybe it was this morning after I lost my favorite teddy bear. It was really pretty bad. I already miss christina.

I had a golden 15 minutes to a half hour with jim and dan last night before jim went out with his friends. I really miss Jim and Dan. It'll be nice to see them. Dan, Joe and I watched the Jeff Buckley dvd that I supposedly got for christmas... it was pretty short, but man was that guy kool. He looked like some punk when he was young... defintely not what i had pictured. but so endearing. and when he got older... wow. just an all around beautiful guy.

So yeah. This christmas is not at all about christ. maybe church will change that, but i doubt it. As far as Im concerned its a less spiritual holiday than thanksgiving. At least on thanksgiving we all say in prayer what we're thankful for. ON christmas you just play with presents and eat sweets till you forget your name. (dont worry your presents have tags to remind you)

So everyone now.. Bah Humbug. I hope its a nice one for you.

Christmas this year is all for Joshua. I love that little boy so much. He's sick today too. Keep him in your thoughts. He deserves a magical christmas. even if no one else on this rotten earth does.

everything is gonna be alright
no woman no cry

Now Im supposed to be studying for my italian final. But now i just have a pit in my stomach due to unnecessary roughness. This holiday is turning out to be one big fucking mess and I dont even really want to have anything to do with it. I wish i could just stay right here. If I had a car I could do more. But i dont. And if I didnt care I wouldnt have to worry. But there is no way you can tell a 6 year old that you wont be there christmas morning.

faces look ugly when you're alone.

I wish i had a car. So i could drive away. i hate depending on people. i just want to learn italian and forget english. No, I dont want a language. I want them all and I dont want any. Until I learn them all I wont be able to understand what it is Im missing. There are no magic words. There is only yes and no. truth and lies. promises and disappointments. loyalty and treachery.

yeah i'll get over it. and it'll make me a better person, right? just like the angel told the little chimney sweep... if you do your duty and be a good boy- you'll have god for your father and never want joy. Thats what I've got to do right? If i follow the rules, grow up, be good-- then I'll be comforted by something I dont even believe and never know lies.

i know no lies now. look at all the joy im wanting. how can you be in north jersey and central jersey at the same time? how can you choose to break one parents heart over the other? how can all of your promises turn to sand when all you do is say what you feel?

Im tired and in an hour and a half I'll be taking another final. the final final. until the next one.

im so tense and angry. i hate being pushed around like this. i honestly dont want to go anywhere. But I have to be somewhere. And I can't remain where Im safe. i want to be alone. maybe im being selfish.

all i know is that everything i value is being challenged by the very people i care enough about to let them hurt me.

and so im untouchable right now. and im sorry for that. but right now,
no one is getting through.

birds fly over the rainbow. why then can't i?

all i want for christmas is a reason to believe in something.

Catharsis isnt catharsus.

does it make you nervous when someone you know is in ur class... doesnt show up to the final?
does it make you jealous that you weren't smart enough to figure out a way to stay home too?
I just want my papers back. All those other tests are just puzzles.

Life is really short. Sometimes it scares me how short it is. I mean, Im used to short things.. I'm short myself actually. However I like to think that Im somewhat charming.. I'd like my life to be charming as well. I think about guys like Blake and Derrida, and Hume and all those guys who really made an impact... guys who had something inside them they just had to put out there. Bob Dylan. People who make our lives enriched without even knowing us.

Its this sort of relationship between minds that is more than important, it's life. Everything is in our minds... from our feelings for our family members- to our feelings for our country. Both imagined communities. All the world is an imagined community.

So what? What kind of relief does this bring when people are starving to death every day, or being killed in wars that are after a different flavor gold? What judge sentences a man or woman or child to die and goes to bed thinking "it's all in my head"? What woman, crying herself to sleep over a lost love, laughs when she realizes it was all her imagination. How cold can you get gen?

I'm not saying that the horrors of this world are lessened by the fact that all of the traumas in the world exist only in our minds... but that because they exist in our heads, we will forever be plagued by them until we are able to disconnect ourselves from the logic of our minds. Nietzsche said the same thing when he described the 'screen of perception' that is the logic of our minds and how impenetrable it really is because it does not exist between ourselves and reality but within our minds. It is the very workings of our minds that we cannot get beyond. Then again, he went crazy. Maybe that's the answer.

Once someone gave advice that supposedly holds in all situations: "And this too will pass".
If you're looking for assurances... take hold of this one. But I'm still caught up in the questions.

River

It’s coming on christmas
They’re cutting down trees
They’re putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

But it don’t snow here
It stays pretty green
I’m going to make a lot of money
Then I’m going to quit this crazy scene
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

I made my baby cry
He tried hard to help me
You know, he put me at ease
And he loved me so naughty
Made me weak in the knees
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

I’m so hard to handle
I’m selfish and I’m sad
Now I’ve gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river

I made my baby say goodbye
It’s coming on christmas
They’re cutting down trees
They’re putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

-joni

im dreaming of a new christmas- nothing like the ones i used to know.
yeah santa. bring me one of those.