everything is gonna be alright
no woman no cry

Now Im supposed to be studying for my italian final. But now i just have a pit in my stomach due to unnecessary roughness. This holiday is turning out to be one big fucking mess and I dont even really want to have anything to do with it. I wish i could just stay right here. If I had a car I could do more. But i dont. And if I didnt care I wouldnt have to worry. But there is no way you can tell a 6 year old that you wont be there christmas morning.

faces look ugly when you're alone.

I wish i had a car. So i could drive away. i hate depending on people. i just want to learn italian and forget english. No, I dont want a language. I want them all and I dont want any. Until I learn them all I wont be able to understand what it is Im missing. There are no magic words. There is only yes and no. truth and lies. promises and disappointments. loyalty and treachery.

yeah i'll get over it. and it'll make me a better person, right? just like the angel told the little chimney sweep... if you do your duty and be a good boy- you'll have god for your father and never want joy. Thats what I've got to do right? If i follow the rules, grow up, be good-- then I'll be comforted by something I dont even believe and never know lies.

i know no lies now. look at all the joy im wanting. how can you be in north jersey and central jersey at the same time? how can you choose to break one parents heart over the other? how can all of your promises turn to sand when all you do is say what you feel?

Im tired and in an hour and a half I'll be taking another final. the final final. until the next one.

im so tense and angry. i hate being pushed around like this. i honestly dont want to go anywhere. But I have to be somewhere. And I can't remain where Im safe. i want to be alone. maybe im being selfish.

all i know is that everything i value is being challenged by the very people i care enough about to let them hurt me.

and so im untouchable right now. and im sorry for that. but right now,
no one is getting through.

birds fly over the rainbow. why then can't i?

all i want for christmas is a reason to believe in something.