So when you close your eyes (or perhaps you are one of the smart ones and are already doing this) this evening to welcome what dreams may come, maybe you'll be thinking about love, in the wake of this flower-selling, candy-scarfing holiday. Ah yes love, it is proclaimed to be all you need by some and by others it is said to be nothing but a second hand emotion-- so which is it? Can it be both? Let this be the question put to your minds this evening... if the last thing you want is the only thing you need.. what then?

Honestly I dont know the answer. All I believe is that love isnt something that is chosen, or to the contrary something you just fall into. I think every decision you make consiously and subconsiously in your lifetime, every dream and goal and disappointment determine when and where and who you will love. It is not to be confused with fate, because I refuse to believe that the human heart is so feeble a creation. But I will admit that once it has decided to love.. it will forever.

I dont want to come off too mushy, or preachy.. just because my valentines day was better than anyone else's... hehe I just want to nominate love tonight as the idea to be pondered by the inteligent minds that read and then quietly retreat from my blog.

So what was this blog about... what am I trying to say about where I am and what Im thinking? I guess Im just trying to say that the moment you think you have something figured out.. you are further from knowledge and deeper in ignorance than perhaps you thought you were. Because every day I find myself surprising myself. Each day the me I thought I understood becomes more of the me I hope to be and though I have far to go ... Im on my way. And each day the feelings I have toward the people I love grow stronger and the bonds I have more true. I honestly have no explanation for all of this, so I blame it on love. I blame it on those I love and those who love me. I blame it on god and I blame it on babies and I blame it on chocolate. I blame the carebear josh gave me and the single valentine I got today. I blame you all. And I blame myself. I blame all of this for making me so happy, so full of love.

Da Vinci's Eyes

I haven't the touch of a poet
I often find little to say
The map of my heart
it isn't high art
my palette
a study in grey

you are the subject of sonnets
i haven't the courage to write
its hard to convey in my own simple way
just what im feeling tonight

for mozart would sing you a love song
shakespeare would write you a play
but silly old me
im clear up a tree
left here with nothing to say.

if suddenly genius should strike me
it wouldn't be any surprise
inspired by you perhaps I could do
what davinci would do with your eyes
--john pizzarelli


Oh what Da Vinci would do with your eyes.

"April skies are in your eyes, but darling dont be blue."

Sigh.... wow everytime i turn around there is some other trial to belly up to. ---Belly... Jelly Belly (in james bond voice). Getting out of bed when i dont feel well, convincing myself that just wanting to sleep more isnt being sick, hehe and of course carrying on. Sochor has it out for me.. she'll get me too if im not careful... hmm

So its wednesday and here I am.. School went long.. and it was a noon dismissal. Tomorrow is supposed to be a regular day, full of sound and fury and will most likely signify little to nothing. Joe will be at Seton Hall doing what i should do, but we all know that my "work ethic is asscrack." So I'll say no more.

I didnt do half as well on my math test than I thought I did. I had a weird dream the other night too. It had pete in it, but it didnt. He kept text messaging me and telling me how he's just been busy and that he's back now and why didnt I just wait for him. He seemed to get pretty upset. But then again, thats how you know its a dream... he never let me know how he felt so it had to be a dream. Poor guy couldnt let anyone in. Not even me. I remember asking him one night .. the last night we had together we played a question game... I asked him what one thing I could do that would cause him to never want to speak to me ever again. It was a tough question but he said that if I told anyone the things he told me he wouldnt be able to trust me. I dont know why Im thinking all of this now, I havent talked to him in months. I do miss the friendship though. And driving in Rutherford I think of him because of all the memories we had there. No one else lives close enough to hang with me.. and since he was in manhattan that just made sense. sigh.. I wonder what i did wrong. I like where I am though. No question about that. sigh.. i need to take a nap i dont feel great.

Her name is Yoshimi
she's a black belt in karate
working for the city
she has to discipline her body

'Cause she knows that
it's demanding
to defeat those evil machines
I know she can beat them

Oh Yoshimi, they don't believe me
but you won't let those robots eat me
Yoshimi, they don't believe me
but you won't let those robots defeat me

Those evil-natured robots
they're programmed to destroy us
she's gotta be strong to fight them
so she's taking lots of vitamins

'Cause she knows that
it'd be tragic
if those evil robots win
I know she can beat them

Oh Yoshimi, they don't believe me
but you won't let those robots defeat me
Yoshimi, they don't believe me
but you won't let those robots eat me

Yoshimi

'Cause she knows that
it'd be tragic
if those evil robots win
I know she can beat them

Oh Yoshimi, they don't believe me
but you won't let those robots defeat me
Yoshimi, they don't believe me
but you won't let those robots defeat me

Oh Yoshimi, they don't believe me
but you won't let those robots eat me
Yoshimi, they don't believe me
but you won't let those robots eat me

Yoshimi
--thanks to The Flaming Lips


~Yes so night time is here and so here I am. I made it home without the assistance of coffee or any other pick me up.. (even though I forgot where i was going and got onto 287 north and had to turn around and got a little lost finding 287 south--hey i made it)

I had the most amazing day. I had some snapple, did some fast driving, went shopping, listened to some Flaming Lips, won a few games of pool and got a very basic lesson in understanding the parts of a guitar... and i did almost all of it with my boy. Its always an adventure, the threat of running out of gas looming over us makes life somewhat exciting.. -yes im a nerd.. im ok with that.. really i am.

ahh.. so many things I want to remember..... im too tired to think about them all now.

"love the guy who holds the sky in a paper cup
drink it up, love him and he'll bring u luck
and if you find he helps your mind, ya better take him home
dontcha live alone, try to earn what lovers own"

-loggins and me