Last Christmas

Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year
To save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance
But you still catch my eye
Tell me baby
Do you recognize me?
Well
It's been a year
It doesn't surprise me

I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying "I love you"
I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now
I know you'd fool me again

A crowded room
Friends with tired eyes
I'm hiding from you
And your soul of ice
My god I thought you were
Someone to rely on
Me?
I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man under cover but you tore me apart
Now I've found a real love you'll never fool me again

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man under cover buy you tore him apart
Maybe next year I'll give it to someone
I'll give it to someone special.

--WHAM

I had to write an evaluation for my Romantic Lit professor today. He was really great, I'm gonna miss him. He's the one who introduced me to Blake and Turner. So I guess I'm indebted. If you have a chance to take a course with him, you have my recommendation. His name is Colin Jager. He looks like something someone might draw of an english professor, with the poofy curly hair that makes him look like that greg guy from who's line is it anyway, and glasses like elvis costello. Good guy.

I had to thank him for turner and blake.

good reads of the semester:

blake
wordsworth
godwin
austen
kant
nietzsche
derrida
cixous
wollenstonecraft

here is the turner of the moment... called The Burning of the Houses of Lords and Commons
 

sometimes i think that although our senses hold us back from completely experiencing truth... they are the gateways that get us much closer to it, than thinking will ever accomplish.

yes i know. I'm far too blake for my own good. but its wonderful, and I understand the obvious paradox and complication in what I'm saying. If language and thinking are flawed means of understanding then how the hell can I say that I'm blake.. because the only experience of blake i have is through his language and the thinking i've done upon it. But if Cixous (i hope i didnt leave out an "i") is right, then contradiction and complication is closer to honesty than logic and linearity. (ok i know that word looks wrong, bear with me)

heh if i was my lit theory TA, I'd add at this moment the phrase "and thats crucial, thats really big" in my surfer/british accent.

Maybe thats why i like turner. i like people and things that don't give me answers or straight lines. The best emotions and experiences seem to be the ones that our senses respond to in ways that are beyond coherent thought.

its almost 3:30 in the morning. my back aches. i guess i'll sleep now.

no i wont be the one baptized in cum

what will happen instead
someone will demand my head
and then i will kneel down
and give it to them

TEMPORARY

Honey come here, I have something to tell you.
It won’t make things perfect
And it may not make sense,
But someday you’ll see it as clear as my smile:
Do you know the word "temporary"?
It means "only for a little while".
And everything is temporary.
A friend moves, a tooth aches,
A pet dies, a toy breaks,
The detours a life takes –
Temporary.
Everything is temporary.
A storm clears, a tear dries,
A wing heals, a bird flies,
The trust lighting your eyes –
Temporary.
I know you want things to stay the same.
I know it’s hard to watch a childhood going up in smoke.
It’s hard for me to watch a child, who’s growing up,
And choke back all the warnings, I could scream,
To protect you from the things that aren’t solid as they seem.
But then, I’m only temporary…
Everything is temporary.
A child leaves, a heart breaks,
A love dies, a world shakes,
The difference one life makes –
Temporary.
The trick is:
Hold it now as tightly as you can.
Whether it’s your favorite toy
Or a sad little boy who’s trying hard to be a brave little man.
Hold it tighter ‘cause you know you’ll have to let it go.
If you learn this, though, you won’t feel so sad:
A playmate, a tearstain,
A Christmas, a dad…
The best times
The worst pain
All
Temporary.

--by John Bucchino

true wisdom is easy to forget and deny and argue against, but when you realize you don't have the strength to fight everybody, you learn. True friends don't have to know the whole story to find a place in their heart to let you catch your step.

another song of the moment...

if you want a lover
i'll do anything you ask me to
and if you want another kind of love
i'll wear a mask for you
if you want a partner
take my hand
or if you want to strike me
down in anger
here i stand
i'm your man

but a man never got a woman back
not by begging on his knees-
or i'd crawl to you baby
and i'd fall at your feet
and i'd howl at your beauty
like a dog in heat
and i'd claw at your heart
and i'd tear at your sheet
i'd say please
im your man

my mind's distracted and diffused
my thoughts are many miles away
they lie with you when you're asleep
and kiss you when you start your day
and so you see I have come to doubt
all that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
the only truth I know is you
and as I watch the drops of rain
weave their weary paths and die
i know that i am like the rain
there but for the grace of you
go I

with your face sketched on it twice...

some say that the best part of the day is the few moments you have right before you fall asleep, moments of calmness, relaxation, ease. however tonight is the rare occassion that as hearts break, mine is one of them. without the care of a few, my mind, my body, my spirit would be just as broken, just as lost. but despite their kindness, im afraid tonight is a sleepless night. there will come not a moment of calm to my mind, nor relax to my body, nor ease to my heart.
i've been told by the grand authority on the matter- not to be scared. but im the 'easily frightened' type. im the jumpy girl who startled during The Incredibles on Thanksgiving. I don't know how to process it all. by tomorrow (or later today) i'll be past talking about it, letting it instead just gnaw at my gut as if it were cold leftovers from last thursday.

im not going to italian tomorrow. i dont care. i just couldnt be made to care.

i actually still have a paper left to finish... but i really needed that walk. the rain seemed appropriate. i just feel so far away. i've been naughty this year, and i hope santa's been paying attention. my hair is curling from the humidity. there is something about looking someone in the eyes when you're hurting that makes you feel completely vulnerable, but to see the caring in their stare, to see understanding and empathy reflected on their face, it gives you a certain strength that maybe all is not lost. my confirmation name is hope. i guess i should be patient.

'everything will be alright, my darling in the end.
so please my love, play your sweetest song for me.
you know, the one you wrote that always makes me cry
and while you create our second love, i'll hum the memory'

have you ever swallowed all the air in your lungs in an attempt not to wake your roomate with your sobs

i've finally failed at the only thing i've ever prided myself on.

i deserve to be alone.

and i guess now i will be.

You Know So Well

Use every chance you've been given
she replied after several days
It's no good to be perfect
You know so well things are easy to tell
There is one thing I know
it goes like this; it's that
when I'm down and out it's you I miss...

I have told you this before
and my transparent mind
won't cover see-through hearts
I'll be straight with you now
Now I'm not what you want
just like the rest
and you feel like you're subject to a test
But if there's one thing I know it's this
When I lose my sleep it's you I miss...

You sleep all night
you know you lie awake
Tell me, yeah
And time is running out
and you know so well
it may never be

Use every chance you've been given
she is told, but it doesn't make her smile
She has no need to be perfect
She knows too well
things are easy to tell
I have said what I thought you should know
but you never seem to recognize my face

--sondre lerche or duncan sheik (who really cares)

at the moment im not working on the paper i should be working on at the moment, which I'd like to think brings delight into the hearts of the people I've pissed off at the moment, those people who I've adeptly pushed away... however these people deserve more credit than that, and so I've probably only insulted them and not embarrassed them... just myself.

wow. my brother just made me smile. he sent me this:
So I was freeclimbing Mt Vesuvius, when I suddenly lost my grip, so I'm falling and falling, and then I start to think. Hey, haven't you been smoking peyote for the last six days, and isn't it a possibility that this is all in your head? And it turned out I was right. I've never even been to Mt Vesuvius. . .

zoolander. all that seems so far from me now. its nice to think about. my thoughts are fragmentary tonight. I havent done any work all day really. Well nothing thats gonna count for shit. I should drop this and go back to my paper. I've created enough zombies and ice queens for the time being.

my dad had interesting thoughts on the idea.

is it all make believe
is it all make believe
dont abuse the trust i place in you

is it all make believe
tell me now make believe
i'm a tent of pain you are the pegs
if i should stop to breathe
just to get over it
i wouldnt wait for you
cuz you never ask me to

a little more sondre lerche to get me deep down there. enough now. rosebud.

i apparently can't do anything right. news flash.
so once again i'll cover up the stains under my eyes
and wake up with puffy eyes.

i have this throbbing feeling, like maybe
i've found a way to kick myself in the head

forgive me

The Man I Love

Someday he'll come along
The man I love
And he'll be big and strong
The man I love
And when he comes my way
I'll do my best to make him stay.

He'll look at me and smile
I'll understand
And in a little while
He'll take my hand
And though it seems absurd
I know we both won't say a word

Maybe I shall meet him sunday
Maybe monday
Maybe not
Still im sure to meet him one day
Maybe tuesday will be my
Good news day

He'll build a little home
Just meant for two
From which i'll never roam
Who would, would you?
And so all else above
I'm waiting for
The man I love.

--

i want to take the whole world
tie it up in a big red ribbon
and give it to you,
cuz maybe then
you'd have a smile for me

i have a song that i sing when im waiting for the bus in the cold at night. it's about a place i sometimes think i'd like to be. the holiday wasnt so bad as i thought it would be. but now i'm back here and listening to ella fitzgerald singing to me about "the man I love". ... life