Frankenstein

I don't know you from Adam
You could make my day
If you leave me a message
I'll give it away
'Cause the most perfect strangers
That you can talk to
Are the ones who pretend
That you're not really you

--aimee mann

Ok so thats not the whole song either, but it's the first verse and it's really good. It's 2:30 in the afternoon saturday, and it's still snowing. i kinda wanna go outside and run around, make a snow angel or something. However I don't think I'm going to do that. I have enough work that I should be doing right now to keep me busy through two snow storms. (so that logically means... blog)

Usually snow would stress me out. But today it's just making me sleepy. Though I had a really weird dream last night, so I'm not sure how I feel about sleeping.

all i do is pray the lord above will let me
walk in the sun once more.

I have a new mix to keep me entertained, as well as this nifty aimee mann cd. mixes are one of the most wonderful things in my book. ok this entry was probably pointless, but I had to break from psychology. Before I drown in my own dream interpretations.

;-)

(from) The Late Show

Everyone I’ve ever known has wished me well
Anyway that’s how it seems, it’s hard to tell
Maybe people only ask you how you’re doing’
cause that’s easier than letting on how little they could care
But when you know that you’ve got a real friend somewhere
Suddenly all the others are so much easier to bear

I saw you through the laughter and the noise
You were talking with the soldiers and the boys
While they scuffled for your weary smiles
I thought of all the empty miles
And the years that I’ve spent looking for your eyes
(looking for your eyes)
And now I’m sitting here wondering what to say
(that you might recognize)
Afraid that all these words might scare you away
(and break through the disguise)
No one ever talks about their feelings anyway
Without dressing them in dreams and laughter
I guess it’s just too painful otherwise

--Jackson Browne

so much going on. I have to do the housing lottery, I have to declare a major, I have to make sure that the program I think I'm setting myself up for, is really what I'm setting myself up for (and not just a big terribly expensive disappointment). I have to sort things out. I've never really been a wonderfully organized person. But there's a huge teddy bear on my bed who thinks I can do it. Yeah I know, even I thought that was uber cheesy.

(my italian teacher asked what kind of cheese was made in italy... i said swiss, he just stared at me.......my dad would have laughed.)

It's been a rather hard week. Sleepless nights, nausea, and just being awful to all the people who love me. The song "I Better Be Quiet Now" by Smith is the song of the moment. It seems to know just how to convey what I shy away from. Sometimes it's easy to be abstract about something, because through the lies you find a different way of looking at truth. I think poetry is basically a whole bunch of pretty lies. Lies that get you closer to what matters than any form of true, literal discourse. I guess you could say there really is no true discourse, but at some point, we have to step off Derrida's bus and plant our feet on something we can believe in. I guess it's just human nature. Everyone believes in something. This week I aged a month.
See what did I tell you? I start saying something about something, and lose all coherence.

the difference between my father's blog and mine is that I don't have the facts, I'm more this shamble of open discussion, whereas he's an editorial or a college lecture.

its alright. and today's entry doesnt have to be perfect. it is everything I need it to be right now. just a moment for me to be honest. to be disorganized. hopefully not to be moody, though it happens. you know, it might just be bedtime.

;-) good night, you princes of maine- you kings of new england

but be prepared to bleed.

tonight is not a new night. again tonight i am alone. there has been an explosion and the greatest casualty has yet to be counted. i feel like the biblical bird looking for shore. i feel like the answers you do not make are bullets leaving a void where they carelessly strike. I am the unlovable woman.

i dont deserve it.

i need you to pretend that we are in love again
and you agreed to.
i want so badly to believe
that there is truth
that love is real
and i want life in every word
to the extent that it's absurd.

--the postal service (from: Clark Gable)

i try to be a rock.
but i have never been a rock.

it's martin luther king jr's birthday, and i am here to report that I have had a waking dream.
i have the smell in my clothes and the bags under my eyes are filled with the tokens of a soul's journey. have you ever been so close to something that you tingled with the anticipation of experience and knowledge: realization, but held back for fear of unredeemable loss? it is in sleeplessness, that distance between what we think of as accurate perception and the rawness of a fragility that seeks purest truth, in which I find a dream.

its a dream filled with certainty and love. a dream filled with the loneliness and companionship.
i have had a waking dream in which i was true.

if anything, the dream told me that I am not as good at loving as I thought.
and if it told me anything else it was that I'm not as good at being loved as I should be either.

tall words for a short girl.

You scored as Loner. Loner 75% Drama nerd 56% Punk/Rebel 56% Geek 31% Goth 19% Stoner 13% Prep/Jock/Cheerleader 0% Ghetto gangsta 0% What's Your High School Stereotype? created with QuizFarm.com

he knows theres worse things than being alone

i hear the fiddle play and it makes my arms fly into imaginary creation.

what did the guy from the times say? something about we look for the truth and we think we find it in just the right combination of cliches and lies?

i kinda wanna talk about it too.

suddenly im really tired. and yet, i feel like im missing an opportunity to figure it all out.

eat at the after
drink a glass of oranges
and show me some love