Lilac Wine

I lost myself on a cool damp night
Gave myself in that misty light
Was hypnotized by a strange delight
Under a lilac tree
I made wine from the lilac tree
Put my heart in its recipe
It makes me see what I want to see
and be what I want to be
When I think more than I want to think
Do things I never should do
I drink much more that I ought to drink
Because I brings me back you...

Lilac wine is sweet and heady, like my love
Lilac wine, I feel unsteady, like my love
Listen to me... I cannot see clearly
Isn't that she coming to me nearly here?
Lilac wine is sweet and heady where's my love?
Lilac wine, I feel unsteady, where's my love?
Listen to me, why is everything so hazy?
Isn't that she, or am I just going crazy, dear?
Lilac Wine, I feel unready for my love...

--Jeff Buckley

I don't love jeff. I call him jeff, but I don't love him. I should love him, normally I fall for guys like him. Guys that amaze me with how passionate they are about whatever. jeff is passionate. But for some reason I dont love him, though I might like to be his friend.

Being me is a full time job. I don't always put in enough over time, but every night I go home tired, so I must be doing something right.

B:the room is so small we had to bunk our beds

S:oh wow that is small. top or bottom?

B:hehe ;-) thats up to you

lol.. i miss him

another good dave quote:

"life without romance is like a rose without fragrance or color. it's still a rose, but it's missing things that it really needs"

Im in rutherford through to tuesday.
So if you wanna call me and say goodbye, or even hello.. i like hello better-- please do. =-)

Walls

Some days are diamonds
Some days are rocks
Some doors are open
Some roads are blocked

Sundowns are golden
Then they fade away
And if I never do nothin'
I'll get you back some day

'Cause...

You got a heart so big
It could crush this town
And I can't hold out forever
Even walls fall down

And all around your island
There's a barricade
It keeps out the danger
It holds in the pain

And sometimes you're happy
Sometimes you cry
Half of me is ocean
Half of me is sky

And some things are over
Some things go on
And part of me you carry
Part of me is gone

You got a heart so big
It could crush this town
And I can't hold out forever
Even walls fall down

Yeah, I guess they do
Yes, they do
They fall down

--Tom Petty

There are no words for the way things are. So I won't try and describe it. I look at pictures of myself with hair like princess leia and a smile like dorothy and I remember. I've made love to the turnpike and it calls me back. My man leaves for the beaches and I leave for the moon. I want the passion but I know its only half as good twice as much. I want to be like Kerouac. I dont want to be a writer, I want to be "a jazz musician, who plays the typewriter". You've got a heart so big. You'll crush this town.

In my dreams I've been with xxx who xxxxx me, but always xxxxx something else more. It used to frustrate me. They were supposed to be my dreams, shouldnt I be the object of unadulterated xxxxxxxx? But it was never like that. I was never dressed like Xxxxxxxxx with xxx xxxxxxx over me. I was xxxxx, but not without company. thinking about it today, and reading some other blogs, made me think that nothing anyone else writes should change the way I feel right now.

What has that to do with xxx and xxxxxx and how do i really feel right now or what did i read that inspired me to hold fast to the way i've been feeling? And what does xx...etc mean??? Summed up quite nicely all of these questions translate into one simple one: "what??"

good question

i never want to make you feel like what you've got to give won't fill me up. i dont care how many other people try and fail. Our friendship doesn't mean I'll never hate you. It just means that I'll always love you.

Today is the 22nd. but if you wanted I'd celebrate the 19th today. why is that important to me? I don't know. Its a guilty pleasure i guess. I still get excited about it, thats just who i am. but time is going fast now or slow or at least i think its moving so its not really that important i guess.. but im young and in love and thats my reason. whats urs?

you are wonderful when you want to be
you are wonderful when i want you to be
you are wonderful if you try
you fill me with crazy

Get happy!
I shake with love
i want to explode.
too many thoughts
not the right words

i always say the wrong thing
u never seem to notice
i always confuse the truth
with ramblin sabotage

play me a song
i need the music

Where did xxx xxx go?

(x's used to protect the innocent. what do u mean i dont know any innocents?? ok to protect me.. and u )

Lebend spielt schnell. hart. Lachen stirbt!
--what do u think it means..

maybe i'm too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight you're on my mind so you never know

Broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it
Where are you tonight, child you know how much i need it
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run
Lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep that won't ever come

It's never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over, all my riches for her smiles when i slept so soft against her
It's never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
It's never over, she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever

Well maybe i'm just too young
To keep good love from going wrong

Oh... lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late

Oh, love well i'm waiting for you

--parts of Jeff Buckley


i dream of the surprise of love.

Let You Down

I let you down
Let me pick you up
I let you down
Let me climb up you to the top
So I can see the view from up there
Tangled in your hair
I let you down

I have no lid upon my head
But if I did
You could look inside and see what's on my mind
You could look inside and see what's on my mind
I let you down, oh, forgive me

You give me love
Let me walk with you, maybe I could say
Maybe talk with you, open up
And let me through
Don't walk away
Don't walk away

I have no lid upon my head
But if I did
You could look inside and see what's on my mind
You could look inside and see what's on my mind
I let you down

How could I be such a fool like me
I let you down
Tail between my legs
I'm a puppy for your love
I'm a puppy for your love

I have no lid upon my head
But if I did
You could look inside and see what's on my mind,
oh it's you

I let you down
I'm a puppy for your love
I'm a puppy for your love

Forgive me
Forgive me
Forgive me
I let you down

--Dave Matthews Band

Having had lots of time to think today, inbetween bouts of extreme sleepiness, I started feeling better about everything that happened last night. Not that I'm happy about it, it certainly didn't come at the best time. But at the same time, I learned something important about myself, and I don't regret that at all. If awareness is prevention then I'm all for it. I want to change, I don't want to go on living this way.

I watched this special today on "The Fifties" and it went through a whole lotta shakin that went on back then. It told the story of every house wife's "little helper" a pill called Miltown. Then stories of the first sensational sex novel written by a New England housewife. Followed by stories of race-crimes and elvis and all that stuff of interest. I really liked the part about the "beatniks".

My aunt is calling.. no not london..

Redemption Song

Old pirates yes they rob I
Sold I to the merchant ships
Minutes after they took I
From the bottomless pit
But my hand was made strong
By the hand of the almighty
We forward in this generation
Triumphantly
All I ever had, is songs of freedom
Won't you help to sing, these songs of freedom
Cause all I ever had, redemption songs
Redemption songs

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery
None but ourselves can free our minds
Have no fear for atomic energy
Cause none of them can stop the time
How long shall they kill our prophets
While we stand aside and look
Some say it's just a part of it
We've got to fullfill the book

Won't you help to sing, these songs of freedom
Cause all I ever had, redemption songs
Redemption songs, redemption songs

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery
None but ourselves can free our minds
Have no fear for atomic energy
Cause none of them can stop the time
How long shall they kill our prophets
While we stand aside and look
Yes some say it's just a part of it
We've got to fullfill the book

Won't you help to sing, these songs of freedom
Cause all I ever had, redemption songs
All I ever had, redemption songs
These songs of freedom, songs of freedom

--Bob Marley


Its 3pm on some idle tuesday. Idle indeed.

I've been really stressed out lately. As a result I've been making a lot of mistakes. I tell myself "just take it all one day at a time", and I know that if I would just do that it would probably be alright. Not all trite expressions are evil.

I think in a way I'm setting myself up. I keep thinking that there is going to be this huge change. And sure it'll be different, no mother looming overhead to swoop down and crush my independence, no little brother to run in and kiss me goodnight at 8:30, no cable.. the list goes on for sure, but when it comes down to it, maybe it won't be that different after all.

I'll still be me. Hopefully you'll all still be you, and although I've proved time and time again that I am horrible about maintaining friendships, hopefully I've screwed up enough to know how not to do it anymore. I guess Im afraid of being replaced. All of this came to me last night while I was going through a box of kleenex.

Im really really looking foward to philosophy class. I guess its kinda my idea of college in a nutshell. I am going to learn. Maybe it sounds geeky, but I am just really interested in thinking.. and these classes at least promise that.

I think my father wants me to become really involved because he never was in high school and then almost made the same mistake in college, until his sophmore year. Then again, my dad made a lot of mistakes in his approach to high school and relationships and stuff during that time of his life, and I think he turned out ok... hehe my idea of ok might clash with some other people's idea of "ok" but to hell with them.

it's a nice day, I should go for a walk. I think I might get rid of my comments system. at least change it.. it depresses me.

going to jamie's house tonight... yay for that!

Reaching out to people who are only half there

Hating yourself for things you didn't choose

Wanting to be what you doubt you're capable of

Turning into the person who doesnt love you

Being so surrendered to the fiction of love
that you almost don't recognize the real thing


how do you live?

I love you so much
i LOVE you so much
i love YOU so much
i love you SO much
i love you so MUCH
i love you so much?
i love you so much!

but what difference does it make

You gave me more to live for, more than you'll ever know.

I don't know whether to feel foolish or crazily excited. So much of my life right now is going just how I would dream it might ... but I worry about unforseen problems.. like for example i got a million classes im interested in ..

Intro to world literature
Expository Writing
Intro to Philosophy
Intro to Sociology

-- but wow that a helluva lot of reading and writing.... just think about the extreme withdrawl my calculator will go through! How much is too much of a good thing? Donde esta mi espanol????

I know this isnt much of an entry.. but its 3am... bars are closing!