Foolish Love

I don't want to hold you and feel so helpless
I don't want to smell you and lose my senses
And smile in slow motion with eyes in love

I twist like a corkscrew, the sweetness rising
I drink from the bottle weeping
Why won't you last?
Why can't you last?

Oh, all for the sake, all for the sake
Of a foolish love

So the day Noah's Ark floats down park
My eyes will be simply glazed over
Or better yet
I'll wear shades on sunless days
And when the sun's out I'll stay and slumber

I don't want to hold you and feel so helpless
I don't want to smell you and lose my senses
And smile in slow motion with eyes in love

--Rufus Wainright

You want to love somebody, but the minute they show some interets it scares the pants off you.

That's All I Ask

Don't try to blow out the sun for me baby
I'm not hoping for what I know can't be

All that I ask, is for your kiss each day
And I'll give you love that will never go away

Yes I will, yes I will, yes I will

'Cause girl I wouldn't ask you to lift up this
great big world little baby
I know that your not that kind of a girl

All that I ask, is for a kiss or two
And nothing in this world will be too good for you

Nobody nobody nobody
nobody nobody nobody
nobody knows, how deep my love for you really goes

Nevermind now, with your heart , how much you say
Nevermind now, with your heart , how much you say
Nevermind now, with your heart , how much you say
Nevermind now, with your heart , how much you say
Nevermind now, with your heart , how much you say

Nevermind now, with your heart how much say, what you say

Oooooooh...

'Cause girl, I want you to know
I wouldn't ask you to hold back the dawn by the dawn baby
That's just a little too much to ask of anyone

All that I ask, is for your loving ways
And I'll keep you happy for the rest of your natural born days

Nevermind now , with your heart ,how much you say
Nevermind now , with your heart ,how much you say
Nevermind now , with your heart ,how much you say
Nevermind now how much you say, much you say

--Jeff Buckley

Stop signs... really mean it.

Because my tiny brother is the cutest kid I've ever met, I'll tell this story in defense of his title.. as cutest kid in the world.

This morning when my step dad Rod dropped Joshua off at school
Josh's teacher (steve m's mom!) stopped him and asked if he had a minute for a cute story......

She then told Rod about how they read a book about a child
getting lost and being asked what his parents' names were.

Then she went around the room and asked the kids who had their hands raised what their Mommy's name was.

When she got to Joshua he hesitated

And so she asked him ...well what does your daddy call your Mommy?

Joshua's eyes lit up and he said "Thats easy....'Honey'!"

sigh... it reminds me of Lady and the Tramp.. the people are referred to in the story by the (pet)names that their dog, Lady, hears them call each other. Hence 'Jim Dear' and of course his wife "Darling".

Joshua is sweet. He thought Danny was getting married because he was dressed up going to a formal dance. He knows that Joe and I are in love, I forget how he said he knew.

The other day I was driving Josh home from school and he was singing in the backseat, and when I strained to hear what he was singing it sounded like he was singing "shake it... shake it... shake it..fdklsjaf"

So I asked him to sing that last bit louder, and so he did...
"shake it... shake it.. shake it like a polar bear's in it!"

he then went on to say he learned it from his older brothers who sang it alot this winter break.

Cheaper by the Dozen was really cute.

children are good. =-)


...someday

and for a minute there I lost myself

5 Reasonable Goals That I Don't Personally Have

To be rich (ie to always have 40 dollars in my pocket or the reasonable equiv)
To be thin (ie to lose more than 10 pounds)
To live forever
To understand the meaning of "reasonable"
To make lists of things that have meaning for me and not things that dont

I'm out of paper. I'm out of time. I'm plain out of luck. But I grow too melodramatic, things are fine. Having such quiet nights (night, mind you... its only monday) is at first disturbing. I didn't sleep well last night, I dont know whether it was my bed that I wasnt used to, or if it was the quiet. Silence like a cancer grows. Again, the melodrama takes its hold of me and captures a part of me.

What can I tell you my brother, my killer?

I have to stop reading into things. I just want to live. But something wont let me. Something is making every day, every night seem so important. I know I'll never get them back. If I made a movie about someone like me, I'd have to have long portions of the movie where nothing happens, nothing but silence. And the silence would get louder, not like feedback or distortion or static, nothing like that. Just intense silence, thick and invading every moment, leaving no thought unclouded, allowing for no connection to warm past that of indifference.

I'm so ready to believe fiction, so hungry to think it could be happening to me. I need to quiet my mind.

I've been reading so much, trying to decide what the right way to do it all looks like. I dont seem to grasp the fact that I AM REAL. That all of those characters, those people I've read, none of them are real. And that the things that they did, in the worlds that those authors created for them, none of that was real either. And as admirable as some things were, and as foolish as others, I am real, and I am dying, and nothing I read is going to change that.

See there I go again, worrying about living an unimportant life, the wrong way. I never was comfortable with living small. I dont know that I'd be comfortable any other way, but I have to think that if I could just let life run it might lead me someplace good. I guess we're all looking for the quiet, and we get it too.

I had a talk with god last night. I'll tell you, I was a little scared of something and so I figured that god was probably as much a cause as a relief, so I should set things right. we seemed to come to an understanding.

do you ever wonder if you should be going to seton hall? i do.

As I have wondered through this world
and as each moment has unfurled
I've been waiting to awaken from these dreams.
People go just where they will.
I never noticed them until I got this feeling
that its later than it seems.

And after it rains
There’s a rainbow
And all of the colors are black
It’s not that the colors aren’t there
It’s just imagin-ation they lack
Everything’s the same
Back in my little town

As I look out on a week of new adventures and see so many things I have missed lately, I have to wonder if I'm picking up some instrument thats been crying quietly to be played. Freedom is expensive, but company is dearer. If you know what that means, I can appreciate that.

Nothing to do, nowhere to go... I'm almost looking foward to it. =-) I've shed my tears, nothing will be quite as good as it's been... but fridays not so far away.

I'm not sure what to make of things mostly. I don't know why but its so easy to get lost in everything. Its way too small a town for the lot of us.

I have to go get danny... the week of sharing his burdens begins. God help us all.. God love us all.. God looks after the small