I Need You

You don't realize how much I need you,
love you all the time and never leave you.
Please come home back to me,
I'm lonely as can be.
I need you.

'Said you had a thing or two to tell me.
How was I to know you would upset me?
I didn't realize as I looked in your eyes.
You told me, oh yes you told me
you don't want my lovin anymore.
That's when it hurt me, and feelin like this
I just can't go on anymore

Please remember how I feel about you.
I could never really live without you.
So come on back and see
just what you mean to me.
I need you.

But when you told me
you don't want my lovin anymore,
that's when it hurt me
and feeling like this
I just can't go on anymore

Please remember how I feel about you.
I could never really live without you.
So come on back and see
just what you mean to me.
I need you.

But when you told me
you dont want my lovin anymore,
that's when it hurt me
and feeling like this
I just can't go on anymore.

Please remember how I feel about you.
I could never really live without you.
So come on back and see
just what you mean to me.
I need you.

I need you. I need you.

-- the beatles

My roomate is pretty awesome. She brought us home a cricket yesterday, and I'm so glad she did. I took Cricky for frollicks in the snow while Whitney was at class, and although Cricky didn't get far in all that snow, she seemed to really like the time out of her tiny peatree-like dish. There is this cotton ball sticking out the top that she has to wet to let Cricky drink and there is a piece of dog food so that Cricky, when not munching on my neilson take-out, gets proper nourishment. She likes the pickles best. Apparently Whitney gets a new bug every week or so to watch and develop unnatural connections to. We're gonna get a caterpillar and watch it become a butterfly, and even a couple milkweed bugs and watch em get it on. I already told bilby he could catch it on direct connect, complete with barry white playing in the background. Oh yes, you too my friends can get in on the action.

Direct Connect is no longer for the weak of heart.

BTW--Christina is gonna be my roomate next year on college ave!!!
(assuming that i can sucessfully transfer) For the first time in a while school is looking good. Friends are wonderful.--Back to Cricky...

I almost killed Cricky last night. No, Cricky doesnt make noise. She's a "she" Cricky. So she doesnt make noise by rubbing her legs. which is good cuz, just like the shaping a life book says... when women open their mouths all they get is trouble! I can only imagine what they have to say about women opening and closing their legs. But oh yeah, I'm sure I interpreted that right. Good thing we have these painfully long essays to tell us these things. So yeah, I almost killed her, just to kill her. Is that bad? I mean, I guess I came to the decision that it was bad, cuz I didnt do it. I just thought... "gen how are you gonna say its not you when the battered little thing makes it through the night and fingers you.

hmm i just destroyed danny's appreciation or curiousity for my blog. ha. oh but jokes are worth it.. yes, every time.

"Cricky my dear,
You have nothing left to fear
I am always here
Cricky my dear."

waiting for love and thinking

the two worst combinations a girl can try. there are moments when true inspiration comes, and there are moments when nothing will make you feel better. there are people set in our paths to divert us from the way we'd like to go, people to help us think through the decisions we have called upon ourselves to make, and there are people in our path that will support us regardless of our final decision and would probably just like to make us a s'more so we feel better. sometimes hershey is the best pharmacutical company.

its kinda like my favorite song from a disney musical. a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. working the candy desk at a pharmacy, no one quotes this more than i.

so i'm going to go make myself a s'more and pull myself out of the muck i've found myself lately. There's nothing like living to fight the good fight another day.

I don't feel right.

some things in life aren't free
they'll cost you all you've ever learnt
they'll steal your heart
while they sweeten your tears
and promise you years

there's this one place
a bed warmer than mine
a hole close to nowhere
where timeless and immortal
I've wasted all my advantages

my life has been the summation
of my trials, even those I win
don't get me outta jail.
self-pity is my best friend
I've become her.

no better than the one I hate the most
loyalty a jewel too easily lost
cry myself to sleep
hide the tracks you see
deep inside I'm losing
I don't even know what I'm losing
deep inside I'm losing.

---------------------------------------------
i'm lost

i dont want to see anyone for a while.

Natasha

You walk alone in the valley of life
In the shadow of love
Under the trees of happiness
You walk alone like a baby unborn
Like a father unknown
Like a pocket penniless

I?m happy that you really care
But do you really know how scary
This is for you and is for me?
Oh do you really know?
Do you really know?

Oh Natasha, all I can do
Is write a song for you
Natasha, oh Natasha for you

I sit alone on the cozy ground floor
On a bench by the garden waiting also
Waiting for love
And thinking of all of
The catty remarks I also swallow

And as I?ve often asked before
Does anybody know how scary
This is for you and is for me
Does anybody know, anybody know

--rufus wainwright

And all i can do is write a song for you. oh for you. I dont have any music to play, i can only write the words, but somehow they feel better as a song... with a melody I've just not found yet.

I think there are blessings in this world that are way too intricate for me to have figured out just yet. If I can just learn to listen, to listen without judgement, without agenda, without selfishness- if I can do that I think I'll be one step closer to understanding.

The only stories I've ever been good at telling are the ones that spin right off the top of my head, the stories that touch on real people or places or things but never long enough to be confused with history. I like these kinds of stories. Josh laid an egg today in one of them, and sparky and I deserted joe in another one. If I dared compare these stories to the lord of the rings I would lose sean's friendship entirely--but truthfully, there are similarities. Tales of fantasy, alternate existence, adventure, escape.

Late at night, I lose something. I become deeply introverted, and only the people who've earned it, are welcomed. Late at night, I blog. I'm bitter, or sad, or worried... yes often worried. Regardless of which slight variation of "gen" I am, there is one thing that remains the same. Usually by the time I'm finished writing a blog I've had enough time to go through my usual mood cycle late at night, and by the end... the last read through- I usually remember the truth and take back all the bad things I was about to print about u, and me and all those in between.

thank goodness for being long winded.

sing with me now,

"Love is a beautiful thing"