I am well fed.

However, my stomach is in nots. I don't know who to believe in. I thought I was working for something I knew and wanted, but right now I'm so confused that I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore. Darkness descends about me and all my focusing seems foolish.

I don't know what I'm doing. I want to run, but there's nowhere I can think of going. I don't have any sort of tact sometimes. My emotions drive me crazy until I'm on the verge of histeria... and then I'm supposed to make sense of it all?

I'm listening to Jack Johnson. Even he isn't doing it for me right now.

I'm the nameless one.
You all know about me.
I'm "her".
Such a dirty pronoun.
Befitting a nameless one.

So begins my break. The weekend has been really nice, a good intro to a week of much needed relaxation. I've been looking foward to this. This is how I see my week.

I've already showered before bed, and showers are wonderful. Getting completely naked is as psychologically relaxing as it is physically relaxing. Now I am clean, moisturized and clothed in cottons and fleece. My hair is loosely braided and smells like raspberries. My skin feels very clean and soft. I'm feeling very relaxed already.

Tomorrow Josh and I are going to spend some quality time together because he is still recovering from his roto-virus and because I am the only one who doesnt have anywhere to be tomorrow. I really don't mind at all. Joe lent me some movies: SpongeBob the movie, Aladdin, Monsters Inc, and Spiderman I and II. So we're gonna sit on the couch and eat our applesauce and pepperidge farm cinnamin raisin toast and sip our tea like champs.

I really love that little boy.

I should put a picture of him up here. I think I'll do that in a minute. Still havent figured out how to work it completely. Thats ok.

I seem to have a bit of a cough.

The rest of the week I want to spend reading and working out a lil. I want to get up to rutherford and spend a day or two, I plan to spend wed night with christina and thursday with joe. Thursday is my favorite holiday. Send gifts. ;-)

Other than that, the plan is to be flexible. The idea is to perhaps do some painting if it strikes me. There is a bit of reading that I'd like to catch up on, though the plan isnt to push anything. I'm going to behave as if I was independently wealthy. Heh, luckily for me that just means that I'm gonna read all day and try not to be the victim of my own thoughts. Last week was rough. I woke up thursday from 3 and a half hours of sleep to hurry and print out my paper and race to class. Once I handed in the paper I sat for lecture, but the lecture was on Aug 6th: the day the bomb fell on Hiroshima. (Also my brother's birthday, but that wasnt mentioned in the lecture). The lecture was on the text "Human Ashes", and it was a first hand account of the events of the day as they were happening. Having not read the text, because of being up all night writing a paper on three other texts, and having not slept well at all, I found the lecture very upsetting. The guest lecturer kept asking for students to remind the class of all the different ways people died that were mentioned. They were horrific. And then he showed us a 10 minute clip of a film called Black Rain. It was a film based on a book that included first hand accounts of a couple of people. The clip I saw was taken from the diaries of a young girl and her uncle. It was absolutely terrible. Not terrible in the way that kevin costner or bruce willis' movies are 'terrible', but terrible in the real meaning of 'terrible'. Like the way they used to use 'terrible' to describe the gods.

I'm easily haunted by things I see. I'm very visual I guess. And those depictions were just awful. I got angry halfway throught the second 10 minute clip of devastating film. Honestly sometimes I dont think they should show films in class. I was completely unprepared emotionally for that. I may sound like a baby, but it breaks my heart to see those things. I'm not someone who is hard to convince-- I don't need to see those things to believe how horrific they were. I have to read the text this week, I'm sure that will be powerful enough.

There are things we must speak,
and there are things we musn't forget,
but most often they are the things
that are hardest to say
and things we would wish to wash away.

My computer gets taken for a good once over tomorrow//later today.
Let's hope that it gets better along with my little bro.

gnite folks.