"I don't want to be your regret, I'd rather be your cocoon."

What is it about men and women that make them so strange with one another?

I think sometimes it hurts so bad because I've gotten so comfortable with the notion that I'm completely safe with someone, I'm connected with someone, and that it's all going to be okay. We can hide from the horrors of the world together when they get to be more than our raw hearts can handle- and we can stand up to the injustice we encounter because we know that our connection has made us stronger, more alive, more than just one scared individual trying to figure out in a temporary world why we get up in the morning, and why we hold each other as we fall asleep at night. Because when I am alone it seems to be only a gesture, lacking in any real logic, as if two people clutching one another as they fall 7 stories to their immmenent deaths find comfort in that gesture. It will save neither of them from the fact that they both will die, but at least they aren't alone, they are connected.

Well right now I feel like I'm falling, it happens to be a long fall, but I can see it coming. I'm going to fall in such a way that the friends who notice will be embarrassed by my weakness, but even my own shame doesn't much touch me then. You can't be worried about your hair when you're falling 6 flights.

Not that my whole world is failing. To the contrary things are mostly healthy for me. I'm working hard, I'm mostly appreciated, I'm learning alot, I'm not the best I can be, not even close... but I'm aware of it. I want to be staring into a champagne smile, I want someplace soft to fall. Maybe I should stay in the room this weekend, but if I did that I'd just wallow. And things aren't that bad. I really hate how I'm feeling though. And I dont mean to complain because I know that there are people who have had horrible lives that detest the superficial complaints of others, like me.

The other day, my autobiography teacher said that if it werent for suffering, there wouldnt be any literature. That struck me profoundly.

I really want a hug. I know I'm losing.