Knock Yourself Out

It's something unattainable
That you can't live without
And now the unexplainable
Has you riddled with doubt

Things begin
Things decay
And you've gotta find a way
To be ok

But if you want to spend the day
Wond'ring what it's all about
Go and knock yourself out

Why were put in this mess
Is anybody's guess
It might be a test or it might not be anything
You need to worry about
But if you're still in doubt
Go and knock yourself out

--jon brion (i heart huckabees soundtrack)

yeah so i went. I saw the painting on the wall in the front. i saw the arched ceiling and the dark wooden pews of my childhood, and I kinda liked it. I didnt get ashes, or go for communion, but i sat there, and i listened, and i sang for the few moments when singing wasnt a bad idea. I realized that the traditions of the mass, as stiff and practiced as they are, are there just like they are in the japanese Noh play. All the words you recognize, just something to slow you down, take you out of the chaos of the surrounding world and put you for a short time in a place where you could center yourself around something meaningful and reflect.

im still not a catholic, but it makes me want my own pulpit. I have something worthwhile to say, and in this world the only chance im going to get is a classroom. It's not just a passion for teaching, and a passion for the subject matter that matters, but a passion for life. and despite my youth, I've got that. A passion for change, a reason for hoping. i don't really remember how to pray like I used to. I dont think I believe in direct conference with a God, but i do know that there is something bigger than my individual experience, and that's worth the search.

it was said that the sermon was aimed at the right audience, filled with its disavowel of empty symbols and hypocrisy. perhaps we're all a bit too cynical. but when you're asking me to believe in some guy raising from the dead... is not believing really that cynical? we're visual creatures, we know through our sight..

but supposedly we're all sinners; and we're supposed to keep soo many secrets. if we dont keep our alms giving secret, if we dont keep our fasting secret, if we dont keep our prayer secret, then we're hypocrites.

i dont really like the word secret there. secrets seem to be to be all wrong. maybe the word should be gentle or quiet. be quiet in your fasting, in ur alms giving, in your prayer. be tender or be gentle.

that says to me something more of the tone than be secret. i dont think acts of love should be secret. they should be gentle and kind and even quiet, but secret? no. there is shame in secrets, and there is no shame in love.

im open to different understandings and perspectives. ;-) if you care.