Green

Fine rain was falling on the gravel and glades.
The last rays of September bejewelled broken blades.
But there's someone that I long for.
Oh, where have you been?

As the red earth lies under a covering of green.
Do you trip on the city's golden gutters and kerbs?
As the seasons grow wild and the ground undisturbed.
'Till you find what you are now
Is less than you've been;
As the red earth lies under a covering of green.

Is patience exhausted?
Are your pockets picked clean?
I was lost in the next world
Or somewhere in between.
And it's much as predicted,
They go down that same track.
They say they'll return
But they never come back.

Fine rain was falling on the gravel and glades.
The last rays of September bejewelled broken blades.
Are you still restless'
Or are you serene?
As the red earth lies under just a covering of green.

--elvis costello

I was thinking about my grandmas today.

I know I'm a couple days late on the Anniversary of losing grandma, but sometimes it's more about the feeling than the facts. I make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich almost every day now. Grandma used to make us peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with apricot preserves. She'd cut them and shape them like an airplane. She'd make us soup and pour it into bowls with funny characters on the bottoms.

She had a smell, a soft embrace, and a voice that no one else will ever replicate. She'd let me and my brothers take her yarn and thread and tie up her kitchen cabinets and door-knobs. It was complete craziness. But it was time thats impossible to forget.

Memories of fruit cocktail deserts and roasts. Always bread and butter on the table. I was too young to really understand what I'd lost. I used to cry about it when I would think about it. Then I just stopped letting myself remember- I guess I was embarrassed by how choked up my mother would get whenever we sang On Eagles Wings in church. It was a mix of me wanting to be strong for my mother, and not wanting to be ashamed to hurt.

The other night I had a dream in which I dreamt that my aunt jeane was in trouble. I woke up and wanted to know if she was alright. She's got the most life in her than anyone I know in their 80's. Actually she's got more bite and spunk than some people I go to school with. She's inspired me to be more than just my age. She knows age is just a number. But I couldnt help waking up realizing that I was making a mistake. I've been unexcusably absent lately. I'm just not at family functions. And although I've had fun, I've missed out on her. I've missed her.

My other grandma is another woman I'm learning more from each time I see her. I'm getting to know her as a woman. I don't know enough, and I've only suddenly come upon this realization of perspective. But all of a sudden I realize that this is a woman who knows far more than I do. Someone who has seen the hardships of my life and endured them- been changed by them. Someone who I have always loved, but not actually appreciated until recently. I miss her too.

There are people you love who, when they leave, leave you without the realization of what it is you've lost. And then there are people who are right here, looking for your love, but loving you regardless. You don't want to miss out on those people. I don't.

thats what i needed to say. thanks.