I freaked out today. Granted it was a scary day. But I really did freak out. I'm not a strong person in certain aspects of my life. In many ways I'd like to remain a child and be taken care of, told that monsters don't exist and that I'm going to live a very long life. I don't want to deal with the concept of losing the people I love. I am afraid of my own body. I am not some woman who has her husband and children around to love her. I am young, energetic and yet so unexperienced. I'm selfish. I want to do everything. Its amazing how much self-pity someone as small as I am, can hold. How much I can resent others for telling me it's all going to be okay. Sometimes you don't want to hear that it's all going to be okay. Sometimes you want someone who will tell you just how terrible it sounds. Granted I only just confronted all this today, and although I don't even really know the extent of it, I do believe that they are right, and that in time I won't feel so overwhelmed. To be honest I want to talk about it, but I'm afraid of making a spectacle of myself, and afraid that it'll turn out to be nothing and I'll look like a pathetic excuse for a woman. So I guess as good as it feels to have someone there for me, I dont think I've learned how to facilitate that relationship well enough to talk about it. Plus I don't even really know whats going on, so the main people I'd talk to would just be worried by me and I wouldnt even be able to tell them how serious it all is- cuz i just dont know.

im talking in riddles because im thinking in riddles. none of my away messages were right today, cuz mostly I didnt know what to say. Im just starting to figure out what to say, thats where all the riddles are coming from. I could use a bottle of red wine and a good hug.

but now my head is aching, so im going to go to sleep.

thank god for christina.