FOR JIM AND DAN

Dinner At Eight

No matter how strong
I'm gonna take you down
With one little stone
I'm gonna break you down
And see what you're worth
What you're really worth to me

Dinner at eight was okay
Before the toast full of gleams
It was great until those old magazines
Got us started up again
Actually it was probably me again

Why is it so
That I've always been the one who must go
That I've always been the one told to flee
When it fact you were the one long ago
Actually in the drifting white snow
Who left me

So put up your fists and I'll put up mine
No running away from the scene of the crime
God's chosen a place
Somewhere near the end of the world
Somewhere near the end of our lives

But 'til then no, Daddy, don't be surprised
If I wanna see the tears in your eyes
Then I know it had to be long ago
Actually in the drifting white snow
You loved me

No matter how strong
I'm gonna take you down
With one little stone
I'm gonna break you down
And see what you're worth
What you're really worth to me

--Rufus Wainwright


Now that my birthday has passed, and almost all celebrations concluded, my mind turns to thoughts of Thanksgiving. No, no living in the present for this little girl- strike that, twenty year old little girl... much better.

I love my family. There is no doubt that at times things aren't smooth everywhere, but that is what a family is. But holidays in our family are always very conflicted times. Some of my favorite memories are holidays spent with family eating wonderful food and enjoying stories and family games. However, holidays also hold for me a certain apprehension, anxiety, almost an uneasy feeling of the unknown. You see, holidays always hurt the people I love.

Ever since my parents divorced holidays have been passed like a volley ball from team to team each year. Thanksgiving day with mom, the day after thanksgiving with dad one year, then thanksgiving day with dad and the day after with mom the next year. To give fair thought to this arrangement, it means twice the celebration, twice the gifts, twice the cranberry sauce, and who could argue with that?

I'm a big girl now, I understand that my parents have their own lives now, and love me very much and want me to be a part of their holidays. I think if I had to go a holiday without my children I'd be pretty lonely, dispite who else I was with. So maybe what I'm actually expressing is a selfish complaint, but it has to be said, cuz it's on my mind and if you can't say what's on your mind, what can you say?

The pain I've felt on holidays, the embarrassment, the shame and humility I have felt while wearing christmas sweaters and easter bonnets, after finding the perfect presents or the hidden pickle, after choking down soupy skinned onions and pineapple filling cakes; all of the pain I've felt on those occassions makes me wonder if this year will be any different, if it will ever be any different. Or maybe my notion of holidays is a far too romantic notion to begin with. All I know is that if you really want to know something about a family, you'll join them for thanksgiving.