Hey my love, you came to me like wine
Comes to this mouth
Grown tired of water all the time
You quench my heart and you
quench my mind.
--dmb

dienu already!

--(yay for hebrew)

god today was so beautiful... until i turned it into the biggest crapfest that is.

I've always been personally particular, but i never really thought myself to be hard to get along with...apparently other people feel differently. maybe I am difficult to get along with. I'm not going to go off on a long "i hate myself" tangent because honestly I'm too tired and not really in the mood to crap on myself anymore. I've already established that I fucked things up tonight, I don't really need to rake myself any longer. But I will say that there is a possibility that I am the most difficult person to get along with ever born... and that I'm actually the heiress to the english crown, but hey who's really thinking that hard about it?

not me.

anyway, i can't expect everyone who's ever had a conversation with me to know who the hell I am. Nor should they feel they have to, before they pass their own judgments about whether or not Im a good person. Frankly, none of that is necessary, but there are some people who I think would benefit a whole lot from actually knowing who I am, and spending some time with me.

Likewise, there are people who I feel I don't really know as well as I'd like to.. family members, friends, gay former co-workers, and the like. Actually, there is only one group of people I know that I don't feel I'd like to spend time with, and those people, give or take one or two that have lent me things and wish to see them returned, they don't really want to spend much time with me either.

or at least, they haven't called in a while.

this blog was supposed to be about my father. I had written this big long reflection in honor of fathers day. but after the shitfest that went down tonight the only think to cut through the feelings of guilt and shame are thoughts of all the people who really just don't know who the fuck I am, and how wrong they are about me.

not that Im not wrong about anybody else mind you. i'm probably wrong about almost everyone. in this whole world there are probably only 4 people who I'm not wrong about.. and only two of those people don't belong to my immediate family... or family at all.

forgive me,
oh in my haste.

so yeah, i'm probably very wrong in my assumptions of what i know about the assholes who dont know anything about me... and this blog is probably as cryptic as it is crass... but when the day is done, (and trust me, the day is DONE) and the last words have been said, all I have to add is 'these things we cannot change' but myself, I am up for grabs.

two step.
crash.
lover lay down.
oh.

sounds to hold when ears are sleeping